One Wish

Is that he would know that I really do love him...

Whom? My rapist.... my father.... I forgive them, Father. Please, forgive them too.


God Showing Up

I am overwhelmed by God's love of me. He knows me so well that he can say and show me just the right things to encourage me along. The road is never easy but as you may know about me I love being close to nature. I live close to a National Park which brings deer and every other wild animal to our property. It is wonderful.

This morning I was feeling empty. The only thing that really works for me is reading the bible to see what God can say to rest my heart. But he also shows up in the most unlikely ways....

A monarch butterfly was on the front door when I went to get the newspaper...

I really hope and pray that you find encouragement on your difficult road as well.



I have to share my 9/11 story...right? I mean I did 20 years in the military and just got back to my duty assignment from a deployment in Kuwait right before it. I have a right... sorry, sassy pants on again.

Anyway, as I said I was getting back to all places, Hawaii. That's right... lol! I had just got back from a deployment that was pretty tough, my first. So my boyfriend at the time, now my husband, and I got a cabin on the other side of the island at Bellows.

We got a phone call from his mother at about 3:00 in the morning. We turned on the news and couldn't believe it just like everyone else in the world. So I put a pot of coffee on and we went out and watched the sunrise.

When we got to the beach, there were about a thousand crabs on the beach all there for the sunrise as well. Truly amazing.

I have only experienced one other time in Austin, Texas where the bats fly out from under a bridge at sunset where your senses are overwhelmed by nature.

Something shifts inside you... you start to imagine something unimaginable.


Letting Go

I have to keep letting people go. I can't honestly say this has not been easy. Each person has been dear to me; I've honestly cared so much about them.

I know right now in this exact moment that it's been God's love pouring out of me to them. They have needed to see God's love; honestly, we all need it... right?

So, when a person just continually dismisses your kindness in their life and keeps walking in their own dysfunction, it's time to let them go. It's so hard.

I am sad and disappointed. I know we all fall short; that is God's way. But, oh how you want them to rise up and get over their own shame and pain.

I've had my own walk of shame and pain to see it in others, and maybe this is a gift of mine now. There are things that God has us go through that are meant for His good... we all do.



Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and water color paint


Giving It Up

I have come to the resolution to give up all forms of marijuana. It may seem strange that I was using it at all for some readers. But when you have PTSD, God can use just about anything to help heal you. Oh, yeah... didn't he make that? LOL!!

I do have on my sassy pants today.... just saying.

Anyway, I have given it up completely. And just in case we are hanging out someday and you want to have some, by all means go for it. I will just sit with you and listen.


Understanding Marijuana for Healing

I've come to the realization that I've been exposed to marijuana my entire life, off and on.

My mother has PTSD as well from sexual trauma as a child. She has always used it. She did it around us kids and now I can see that it helped me process my own trauma.

I think this is really remarkable when we consider that our world believes that marijuana could be harmful.  I do think the ways we get it nowadays can be a little bit too off balance with the amount of THC you can get. But, for the most part it is really a medicine that needs to be looked at differently.

I personally battle the THC line because I'm on the other side of my trauma. I've uncovered all my repressed memories with the help of THC. But now that I'm come through it, I know my brain still needs the CBD part of marijuana.

There is still healing that needs to take place.


When you have daddy issues, you can resolve this in two ways. Firstly, you find a man who is exactly like your father or a woman. Yes, that's right lesbian couples can also mimic the false nature of the loving relationship.

I have a dear friend who grew up with a stern Baptist father who never showed his daughter unconditional love. I'm sure all of us either can relate or know someone. They are tortured as little girls trying to get the love they so need.

Then they either rebel against the very nature of that fissure in becoming a lesbian or find a man who is just as torturing.

Either way it is the very thing that little girl needs that won't be found. It doesn't matter if it is a straight or lesbian relationship.

Until this pain is fixed, they are attracted to the same pattern.


Do I dare dream?

When you grow up with hardly all your needs being met, it's hard to imagine what you want and then what you may dream of.

I am trying to step into my purpose but am intimidated on so many factors. 

The voices in my head are saying, "Who do you think you are?"

And, "do you really think God will use any of it for good?"

But my authority on these matters is the good bible where we are all children of God. And over and over again it states that ALL things are used for good.  All things.

I dare all of us to hold our heads up high and walk into "purpose" and not just survival.

Vacation Perspective

Medium: pastel, pencil



We waver to and fro
looking for freedom,
looking for sweetness.

We hunger and thirst
and yet never get filled.

We linger in the middle
never committing to
either extreme.

We wage war
with those that
love us.

When will we
learn to let go?


Two Perspectives

There are always two ways to look at things.

For instance two people with the same issue of not getting what they needed growing up can display this inadequacy two ways.

The first wears their heart on their sleeve. They are easily liked. But yet you know they are incomplete. They are compulsive with something be it food or some other drug of choice.

The other type has a wall built up so they can’t be hurt. They have a persona that keeps others at a distance. Yet those of us with the same deficiency are drawn to them.

We are living in a nation right now that “feels” out-of-control; everyone is on edge. And I mean everyone.

We all need to pick up our own “peace pipe” and find a way to do something for someone else. Don’t look at it as a favor, but a good deed.

If everyone in the world did this, our world would look completely different.


Self Medicating

In case you need to know the difference...

CBD oil will mellow you out, help you sleep, and come down when using anything with THC.

So if you need to use marijuana on occasion, don't forget to use some CBD oil as well. This is truly what your brain is craving. No judgment.

Understanding Feelings

I know, if you are a regular reader you might want to know why I got so upset.

Well, I got clarity on it. When I and probably many of you were children we were not allowed to express our feelings. How dare we show any anger, right?

Well, now that I have been so carefully taken care of by God and really only God for so long now, I have a difficult time expressing myself when my feelings get hurt.

I am finally at a place where I can share my feelings with my family.

It's been so long since I've had to connect with my feelings to make sure I'm not looking at a situation from the wrong perspective.

So take my last post for instance... was it the most loving place? probably not. But I was so convicted on the point that I needed to express it. It was a judgment call. It was a gut reaction, not a feelings reaction.

We need to be able to stand up for ourselves as well when we know it isn't a good situation for ourselves. We have to be able to step away from the relationship.

When we give love we should be able to expect love back... period.

Nurture Yourself


Pervasive Corruption

Your selfishness astounds me;
with your flare for dignity,
however only received.

You gratuitously speak of yourself,
pouring into yourself alone.

I am confounded by your ignorance
since you are such a scholar.

I am disgusted with your lack
of compassion and love.


For the Ladies in the House (Part 2)

Right after I turned nineteen, I joined the United States Air Force. The number big reason was to get away from my dysfunctional family.

I got accepted in a nine month technical school. Right before I graduated, I went to a party with all my classmates. I got black out drunk and got date raped by two of my male classmates.

Not where you thought this was going? Well, too bad. Sorry, I'm just a little pissed off today. I never had the luxury of knowing it was that at the time. Apparently, there was nothing wrong with two men taking advantage of a woman without her consent. Why?

I want to know why.

And in case you missed the first, "For the Ladies in the House"....  here is the link, https://www.refugeformisfits.com/2019/03/for-ladies-in-house.html.

No More Doubt




I want you to know that I feel your pain.

I feel the cage your in.

I feel your need to be understood.

I feel your need to be free.



When I admitted to having my feelings were hurt.... something shifted inside of me.

I am now allowed to have my own feelings. They are not dependent on others.

They belong to me.

Gay Boyfriend

When I was in high school, I had two boy friends. The second ended up being gay.

I took his virginity, but only after trying to convince him to do it. Right? Exactly the opposite you would normally expect. But once I found out his was gay, it made sense.

How does that make me feel? I'm not exactly sure. Initially, I thought I must of come up short. I must have not fulfilled all his expectations.

But now I understand that many homosexual men didn't have a strong male father figure growing up. And when I mean strong, it's the quality time. So even if they had a father growing up, they may not have had enough of a relationship. Something came up short for them.

That is why I found myself attracted to women. My mother just didn't give me the unconditional love I so needed growing up. But many of us no matter our sexual identity have had disappointing parents.


Big Little Lie

I have something personal to share. If you know me at all, I'll share just about anything about myself. But this one thing has been the box in the corner of the room for a long time now that I haven't wanted to open. I honestly would just keep it closed up forever.

But God knows I'm not the only one... so here it goes.

For about a year of my life I was one hundred percent convinced I was gay. I was in my marriage with one child and had a complete breakdown. I got diagnosed bipolar. I was on medication zonked out of my mind for one year.

I willingly took the medication as a way to stabilize my moods but also to punish myself for putting my marriage in jeopardy. My husband didn't believe it, but I did.

I know I'm not gay now. I've been on a long journey of healing from PTSD which uncovered repressed memories including being raped at the age of nine.

It's complicated and I get that.


Painful Sting

I found out we have a wasp nest in one of our bushes. How did I find this out. The hard way....

I was minding my own business trimming the bushes with a hedge trimmer and sure enough... yikes, I feel this immense stinging pain in my arm and sure enough it's a bee on my arm. At least that's my first thought. I look down and it's stinging me... I scream a bit and get it off me. I grab my stuff and run indoors smacking my arm because it hurts so bad.

There is no stinger... so, it's not a bee. And the smacking is to stop the venom from stretching further. Wow, what we find ourselves doing in the heat of the moment. When nothing else is there but our sheer will to survive.

It is all nature at that point. There is no other option. Just your need to survive.

What did you have to endure that you simply had to survive through?

If it truly was survival, there can be no shame with it. Let me be as brutally honest as I can. Whomever did whatever awful thing to you is the wrong doer. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

It is not your fault. Take a deep breath and release the pain.


Moral Judgement

My promiscuity was my way

to prove that I could be loved.

Free Born

You say you had to work for your freedom.
You say that your therapist gets the credit.

The truth is we all are born free.
So release the labels you hold on to so tightly
and pull a chair up to the big kids table.

Now's the time to think like an adult and 



The Scars We Show


I find myself grieving. I can't explain it.
Something is changing for the good.



Not Our Children
Inner Demon

Medium: paint, pastel, and oil pastel


Another Secret

Obviously, it won't be a secret since I'm sharing it here...lol.

Anyway, I was bullied at church as a little girl and I use marijuana as my medicine of choice for my PTSD. Does this sound contradictory since I'm such a strong Christian. Probably to most.

But you won't believe who talked me into letting go of the shame of using it for self medication at the time. My pastor. Right.

So that's it. I take one hit about once a month for a while now; right now I'm at six weeks. So slowly but surely I'm weening myself off of it.

Let's face it, when you get diagnosed with PTSD it takes a long time to get through it.

Please send me a message if you would like to discuss this topic further. I will however continue sharing my knowledge and experience from hence forth; I solemnly promise...lol.

Uncovering Shame

Who is responsible for the constant feeding of shame in your life?

I realize that circumstances keep occurring in which I go and hide in my cave. I go in and feel like I'm safe and then sure enough I get kicked right where it hurts.

A big boulder rolls over the entrance to my cave and I'm stuck inside for some time trying to decode my way out.

This is the road of shame.

It always comes back at us.

It always wants us in our cave where it can dictate our feelings and emotions.

It always tells us our negative playback recordings we've heard our whole lives.

We aren't good enough. We can't do it. We can't.

Where does your shame originate? Were you bullied like me on the playground in elementary school? Did a parent tear you down with words? Where else can you see the root of the problem?

May you get the light spread through your cave to find all the bullies in your life. May you find the strength to uncover the root, see it for what it really is, and clean your waste basket for good.


New Found Freedom

Freedom comes from saying no to the guilt.
It comes from not listening to the negative voices.
It comes from releasing the pain.



When I was a child, I just wanted someone to see me.  I wanted someone to see all my pain and shame and to really see inside.  I wanted to feel like I didn’t have to hide it.  I just wanted to feel like I was alright.

I am unraveling all the wrongs that were done to me and it is just so difficult.  I don’t know how to navigate through the pain.  It is overwhelming.

I don’t want to be mad at him anymore, but I just don’t know what else to feel.  I want to move on but can’t.  I’m not stuck; I’m where I’m supposed to be.  It is out of my control.


Day 6: Witness

You are all witnesses to my unfathomable love.


Day 5: False Teachers

Beware of those who teach my ways
but have real evil in their hearts.
Judge their character.


The Whole Me

I've been on a journey of healing for a number of years now. When I had a kind of emotional and mental breakdown about seven years ago, there was no way I would have believed I'd be where I am today.

I really thought my life as I knew it to be over. I definitely contemplated suicide. I definitely stayed on my psych meds for a year as a kind of punishment.

I was so self-destructive.

Now, I really can't believe how good I feel. I know why I had a breakdown. I know why I have had so many dysfunctional relationships.

It is truly a miracle that I am this whole now.


Who are you?

I've come to realization that we are all born with an identity entirely our own. When we are born into a dysfunctional family, we have to become who our family needs.

For me I was the second mother to my two sisters which was necessary because my mother was and still is caught up in her own pain and addiction.

You think the wounds caused to you are too much to bear. You think that you can't move past it.

I may not be the best representation of what it can look like to be healed; I am truly in the process of getting better each and every day. But, with God's help everything is possible. I am living proof.

We are all meant to be who we were born to be.


Special Terms

I died today.
The person you think I am is no longer.
I was born to be me.

Today I am.

My Life
Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint


Day 4: Outcast

You are outcast and downcast,
but fully accepted in the LORD.


New You

Fierceness is brimming,
boldness is awakened.

Medium: pastel and water color paint

Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and water color paint


Day 3: Questions

Don't worry about so much;
I've got it all under control.


Heart Conflict

You see how loving and kind he is,
you see how he longs to please you.

You genuinely care about him,
you see all that he is.

You see how special he is
and that he loves you back.

But you see how your boss
belittles and shames him.

You see how she does not
genuinely care about every child.

You see that she has
many faults of her own.



Put your phones down;
stop thinking about yourself.

Look at me.

Do you not see the tears welling up
and streaming down my face?

You choose to ignore me.
You run on your treadmill of self,
not caring for your fellow man.

See Me
Medium: pastel, watercolor paint, and oil pastel


Day 2: Prosper

The tree of life is available
to those that cling to Jesus.


Day 1: The Poor

The poor are not to be banished,
they too need compassion and love.

Do not look away; see their pain.




Medium: water-color paint on tracing paper

Forgive Yourself

I'm lost in the void:
I remember doing wrong things
and yet knowing I'm not responsible.

I don't understand how
to undo what I did except
to let myself off the hook.



Fear Beyond Understanding

I uncovered a repressed memory last week of my father strangling me. But what is even more remarkable is the fear it has released inside of me. It was trapped inside and I didn't know why until now.

This is how I know fear is beyond our comprehension. I actually fainted because of it. It makes no logical sense at all that I would just faint out of the blue, except that I just identified that my biggest fear was to see my father again. I am so grateful to not have seen him since I was about six years old. But, he e-mailed me out of the blue.

I'm actually scared to death of him.... well was. It all had to come to the surface in order to acknowledge the fear he instilled in me. It manifested itself in my body in such a way that I had to "relive" the most fearful moment in my life. Not in every detail, but in its own way of showing me.

I mean I just know that so many of us have had terrible things done to us that we may or may not remember. I pray that God will give you the grace needed to uncover whatever hellish thing you need to in order to move on with your life. It has been terrible and wonderful at the same time for me. I am so grateful to release this fear and pain.


Shock and Awe

"But his flesh upon him shall have pain, and his soul within him shall mourn." (Job 14:22)

Wow, talk about a verse portraying exactly how I feel without me having the words... truly amazing.

I had another repressed memory wash over me last week. It was the cherry on the top of the sundae I had already remembered. My father choked me until I passed out. I mean this could mean attempted murder, correct?

I just don't know what to do with this information. I'm in shock somewhat still.



You cannot persecute God's children
without facing Him.




Now that everything is recovered,
real healing can happen.

The crevices of the brain
and the shadows of the heart.



This heavy spirit is recoiled;
God has my hand.



Medium: pastel and watercolor paint


Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint



Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint



Pressing forward for your relief,
ever wandering with your spirit.

Please send me your guidance and wisdom,
I cannot do this alone.



So, I got this incredibly big cold sore on my face a couple of weeks ago, and it is finally almost gone. But, yet I got a contemptuous look from someone. I really didn't have it in me to say, "What the f*ck!" But that is what she deserved.

I know it is not me. I know the pain is in her heart. But I got my feelings hurt, and I hate that my feelings got hurt.



These scars will not heal,
they fester and burn with pain.

Your mistakes are immeasurable,
yet I am awakened to forgive.

You want to linger in the cracks of my brain.
You want to rob me of any joy and peace.

You must face the God who knows
everything you did.


Look Up

Resounding hope is all we have to hold on to.


Inner Beauty

Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint



I'm scared of disappointing you, God.
I feel like I don't have what it takes.
I know you show your strength through our weakness,
but I am really scared.

Where does this fear come from?
Why is it always casting a shadow on me?

I ask that you deliver me from this impending doom I seem to always be feeling.



Material: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint


Turning Glory into Shame

Regret is fathomless,
always beseeching us to shame.

Brush it off and stand your ground,
this too will pass.



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



I am guilty of doing the exact same thing my parents are guilty of. I have an anger issue, and I direct it at the ones I love so dearly. I have struggled with trying to identify the feeling that rises inside of me ahead of an outburst, but it has been very difficult. Usually, I have some kind of outburst and then excuse myself from the scene. I read something in the bible to adjust my perspective and then move on.

But the root of my anger issue arises from my parents’ using this strategy as well. I do not want to pass this trait on to my own children. I do not want them to believe that is alright to tear each other down even when your feelings make it seem justified. Children are never the cause of our unrest inside of us.

I want to try to use this to help you, but am so overcome with guilt right now. Finding the right words of wisdom and reassurance is just not where I’m at yet. I am overwhelmed honestly. I feel like a flood of water has overtaken me and I am bobbing on top grasping for help. I hope you can understand this feeling so that I don’t feel alone.

I need to feel that I am not the only one that feels so guilty about all the bad decisions I’ve made and still make. I need to feel that it is alright to be imperfect and just to be aware of my shortcomings is all that is required. I cannot fix myself. I cannot undo all my mistakes. All I can do is try to love all those around me the best I can. This is my biggest desire.

My parents in their anger would call me ugly. I don’t even understand why they would both want to hurt me so bad. The ugliness this created later in my life is so big. I never felt good enough and never pretty enough. When I was a teenager, my mother always told everyone how pretty I was in front of me. Was she trying to make up for her mistakes when I was younger? I don’t have the answers, but struggle with this so much as a parent myself.

I know I have to let it go, but it feels so ugly. I really hate my parents right now and want justice so bad. Is this wrong of me to feel this way? I hope not. I just don’t get it. And now seeing that I do some of the same behavior is making me feel ugly. Here we go.

I am not to feel guilty for what my parents did to me. I am not to feel shame for their mistakes any longer. I am not going to perpetuate the same ugliness they put on me on to others. I will take a stand for love and goodness.

I don’t plan on being perfect. But in my heart and in my soul, I do not want to be angry anymore. I do not want this cycle to continue. I will stop it here for my future generations. I have a future brighter than I can realize and I plan on seeing it.


Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint


Relentless Love

The fear of the repressed is overwhelming,
the enemy does not relent for a single moment.

We seek your reprieve, Lord.
Do no abandon us in this valley.



good vs. evil

Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint


Child of God

You say that you know I was despised.
You say that you know I was neglected.
You say that you know I was raped.
You say that you know I was left,
but you say that you took me as your own.



The Spirit

Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint


Too Sad

I hit a valley of deep sorrow for a good couple of days. I know depression from my not too distant past, but this was something different.

I felt as though I was mourning the loss of me. Me as a child. I lost me.


I Mourn

for the little girl 
who lost her innocence

for the little girl 
who had big dreams

for the little girl
who has too much sorrow

for the little girl
who now knows it was wrong.


I am convinced that there is no purgatory.

For the Ladies in the House

So, I really am being so brutally honest right now... no bars holding me now... rape does something to your emotional psyche, right?

Why do I feel this constant tugging on my heart strings... I can't seem to relate to anyone right now... sorry, I'm not writing complete sentences... but, sometimes a girl just needs to take a deep exhale. For me, with my words.

He hurt the insides of us more than we could comprehend. This is way nasty things that should never happen to us. We connect our pain with the physical scars we had to bare.  The emotional scarring that is way beyond repair.

But, I have something that heals all that... ready? Jesus. Not exactly where you thought I was headed, right? I know. But let me say a simple prayer for you. God, in the name of Jesus, can you please show yourself to her?


I watched you leave,
withered and without life.

You became a friend
when I had no one.

But your time has ended,
I no longer want your friendship.

My Biggest Wish

All I want more then anything is to own the title, "child of god."

I am so broken and hurt inside. I feel like I can't do anything right.

I feel as though my heart has been pulled out of my chest, smashed by the monster who pulled it out, and then placed back inside.

What is the purpose for all of this pain?


Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



The regret is so deep and unbanished.
The pain is too big and unrelentless.
The loss is overpowering.

I am a survivor.



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint



Please, God, help me... I don't know where to turn.
This habit is a pain in the ass.
I don't want to drop it, but need to desperately.

Please, get me through this.
I need your help, because I cannot do this alone.

Please pray for me...

This is really rock bottom for me...
this is the moment when everything goes....



I feel the pain of my parents
acknowledging their own daughter
suffered at the hand of a friend.

I feel the anguish
of the guilt it wants to bring.

I feel the agony
of relating too much.


The Irony

When I was nine years old, I had a little brother born. My step-father married my mother with three little girls, and then had a child of his own. The dynamics of our family changed.

That summer, we moved back to Florida -- my mother's home. We moved a couple of times out of state but always went back to Florida. Once we got settled in, I started spending lots of time with our family friends. They were a married couple with daughters older than me. So, it seemed to make sense I guess.

But, oh no. This would end up being my pedophile's home. We spent lots of time together; he was my buddy. We even shot some of his guns in his back yard. He was actually a real member of Hell's Angels as well.

Anyway, I spent lots of time at his house just hanging out with him, his wife, and kids. His daughters were four and six years older than me. I would hang out with the fourteen year old, but the oldest one was always working.

After I joined the U.S. Air Force at the age of nineteen, I went home one year on leave to visit. My dad asked me to meet him at a particular bar one evening. I ended up making some friends with a group of guys around my age. We were playing darts, when a really good looking older man walked in the bar.

We made eye contact and continued to for some time. Finally, he asked me to join him and his group of friends to go to another drinking establishment. This restaurant was very quiet and he ordered whatever I wanted to drink. He was truly a gentleman.

This was not the most interesting part of this story. The really surprising part for me was the bartender at the first bar, a biker bar. She was my pedophile's younger daughter.



Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint


Times Up

I am afraid of letting everyone down.

My job was to protect everyone;
I couldn't let my secret out
for fear of him killing you all.

He promised he would
starting with my little sister.


Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint