3.17.2019

Too Sad

I hit a valley of deep sorrow for a good couple of days. I know depression from my not too distant past, but this was something different.

I felt as though I was mourning the loss of me. Me as a child. I lost me.

3.15.2019

I Mourn

for the little girl 
who lost her innocence

for the little girl 
who had big dreams

for the little girl
who has too much sorrow

for the little girl
who now knows it was wrong.

Myth

I am convinced that there is no purgatory.

For the Ladies in the House

So, I really am being so brutally honest right now... no bars holding me now... rape does something to your emotional psyche, right?

Why do I feel this constant tugging on my heart strings... I can't seem to relate to anyone right now... sorry, I'm not writing complete sentences... but, sometimes a girl just needs to take a deep exhale. For me, with my words.

He hurt the insides of us more than we could comprehend. This is way nasty things that should never happen to us. We connect our pain with the physical scars we had to bare.  The emotional scarring that is way beyond repair.

But, I have something that heals all that... ready? Jesus. Not exactly where you thought I was headed, right? I know. But let me say a simple prayer for you. God, in the name of Jesus, can you please show yourself to her?

Relased

I watched you leave,
withered and without life.

You became a friend
when I had no one.

But your time has ended,
I no longer want your friendship.

My Biggest Wish

All I want more then anything is to own the title, "child of god."

I am so broken and hurt inside. I feel like I can't do anything right.

I feel as though my heart has been pulled out of my chest, smashed by the monster who pulled it out, and then placed back inside.

What is the purpose for all of this pain?

Sun(2)

3.10.2019

Guilt

The regret is so deep and unbanished.
The pain is too big and unrelentless.
The loss is overpowering.

I am a survivor.

3.07.2019

3.06.2019

Myself


Medium: chalk, watercolor paint, and pastel

2.20.2019

Help

Please, God, help me... I don't know where to turn.
This habit is a pain in the ass.
I don't want to drop it, but need to desperately.

Please, get me through this.
I need your help, because I cannot do this alone.

Please pray for me...

This is really rock bottom for me...
this is the moment when everything goes....

2.15.2019

Relatives

I feel the pain of my parents
acknowledging their own daughter
suffered at the hand of a friend.

I feel the anguish
of the guilt it wants to bring.

I feel the agony
of relating too much.

2.14.2019

The Irony

When I was nine years old, I had a little brother born. My step-father married my mother with three little girls, and then had a child of his own. The dynamics of our family changed.

That summer, we moved back to Florida -- my mother's home. We moved a couple of times out of state but always went back to Florida. Once we got settled in, I started spending lots of time with our family friends. They were a married couple with daughters older than me. So, it seemed to make sense I guess.

But, oh no. This would end up being my pedophile's home. We spent lots of time together; he was my buddy. We even shot some of his guns in his back yard. He was actually a real member of Hell's Angels as well.

Anyway, I spent lots of time at his house just hanging out with him, his wife, and kids. His daughters were four and six years older than me. I would hang out with the fourteen year old, but the oldest one was always working.

After I joined the U.S. Air Force at the age of nineteen, I went home one year on leave to visit. My dad asked me to meet him at a particular bar one evening. I ended up making some friends with a group of guys around my age. We were playing darts, when a really good looking older man walked in the bar.

We made eye contact and continued to for some time. Finally, he asked me to join him and his group of friends to go to another drinking establishment. This restaurant was very quiet and he ordered whatever I wanted to drink. He was truly a gentleman.

This was not the most interesting part of this story. The really surprising part for me was the bartender at the first bar, a biker bar. She was my pedophile's younger daughter.

2.11.2019

Times Up

I am afraid of letting everyone down.

My job was to protect everyone;
I couldn't let my secret out
for fear of him killing you all.

He promised he would
starting with my little sister.

Water


2.10.2019

Pedophile

So, you think because you literally scared me to death that I wouldn't someday remember what you did to me. How could you rape a 10-yr. old little girl? And your wife held me down covering my mouth with one hand. I kicked her so hard and long.

I do not know why it hurts so much.

2.08.2019

Unparalleled

You consume me from the inside,
ever present but yet obscure.
You demand my emotions
and never let me forget.

You are unrelenting in your fierceness,
raging in my brain and body.
You are beyond my control.
When will you let me go?

A Mess


Directions

Do not go forward; there are terrors within.

2.07.2019

Over Sharing

The very thing I don't really want people to know about me is the very thing I told someone today.  I was medicated for Bipolar Disorder for a year of my life.

I had an incident where I displayed some manic symptoms for a short while. I got prescribed Depakote from a psychiatrist. It was so challenging. I had to see him because I was in the military and with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder you are taken off of deployment status; a big no-no in the military.

I had to see the psychiatrist every month for a year in which he kept increasing my dosage if I had a single day of depression. It was heart breaking for me to think about how numb I was to the world. I didn't have any joy, no anxiousness, no depression for the most part --- I was an emotional zombie.

But I woke up every single day and took care of our son who was two at the onset. I did all the required things and some more because I would get manic episodes where I would start projects. My brain was always racing. It was pretty insane. Luckily, nothing terrible happened.

Then about a year into taking the medicine, I started shaking uncontrollably. My psychiatrist told me it was a common side effect. When I did my research, I found out that if you stay on Depakote indefinitely the shaking will not subside. Also, we wanted to have another child and I would not with that medicine in my system.

So, yes you already can see where this is going --- I completely stopped taking it. I lied to my psychiatrist for a couple of months in which I still needed his signature for my military paperwork.

I was advised by my military commander to get another diagnosis. No problem. I saw a different psychiatrist and left out my manic episode because with all honesty I wasn't experiencing them any longer. He diagnosed me back to depression.

That was that and then I found another psychiatrist who ended up testing me for PTSD and was easily diagnosed with the proper disorder, finally.

But that doesn't mean I want people to know. You all get to know because hopefully someone reading this can relate to my story and I can use my pain to lift someone else's.

2.06.2019

Forgetting Everything

I don't know when it happened exactly, but at some point in my childhood I decided to stop remembering all the bad things that were happening to me. I would somehow forget about it. My sister's memories fill in the blanks for me, but I feel like I've missed out on some of my childhood. Granted, these were bad memories; I still feel robbed.

I am disappointed in myself sometimes. Like why can't my PTSD be done by now. Of course I didn't get diagnosed until about five years ago. Still, why do I feel in such a hurry sometimes... ok, honestly almost all the time.

I'm forty-four years old and still am a stay-at-home mother. Does that sound bad? Why should it sound bad when our daughter is three and a half. I'm not sure. Isn't it important to be a good mother?

I just feel underwhelmed sometimes. But yet these moments with my children when they are small have been my favorite memories ever.

2.03.2019

Reproved

You were a welcomed friend long ago,
but I no longer need you.

You bully me and try to control me,
you have me rely on my feelings.

I try to resist your charms,
but succumb to the temptation.

I don't want to live with
your need to dominate any goodness.

2.02.2019

Cement Feet

You hold me down under the weight of my guilt and shame, 
but I hold on to something stronger.

1.30.2019

Fear

It is strangling me,
it is slandering me,
it is not forgiving me.

It is reminding me,
it is foraging me
for memories lost.

It will not let me go,
it consumes me,
it paralyzes me.

I will not forget
who is holding me up.

1.29.2019

PTSD Brain

So you know you have PTSD when something that bothered you over a month ago gets triggered back up and your depressed over it for three days. Yikes!

I literally wrote about my family being a disappointment over the holidays (What-do-you-do-when-you-are-ignored) and yet I was not over it.

So I'm trying to see if there is a reason for this to happen. Am I the only one who gets triggered out of the middle of nowhere? I didn't see it coming.

Got to love the brain's way of dealing with disappointment from loved ones. Just stuff it down. How do we undo these pathways?

1.27.2019

Wronged

Why would a person who loves you hurt you?

I cannot answer this question. I struggle to understand it, yet I still experience it. Over and over again, I am hurt by those that are my family. Do I choose to be hurt? Definitely not. Do I expect love? Absolutely. Are my expectations wrong?

How can love be wrong?

1.24.2019

Heavy Heart

My sister, a victim of complex PTSD, is suffering deeply. I know God can get her through it, but it appears to be overwhelming for her.

She is a recovering addict from about twenty years plus of drug use. You have no idea the miracles God has already done in order for her to still be alive today. One could argue that she is a miracle, but not from the world's point of view.

She is struggling, with a capital "s". She just got out of jail and has a criminal record. But she did find a job as a waitress, something she is really good at. But now she has a bad foot from a accident before she went to jail that just got worse while away. She cannot stand on it very long without it swelling.

So now the only skill she has cannot last for her. She has to find something else. She probably needs to go back to school. If I recollect things, I'm not entirely sure she even has her high school diploma.

But for now she has to try each and every day that she wakes up to choose to stay sober. Sobering, right? Sorry, I couldn't resist. You think your life might be rough, but you never know what that person is going through that is walking down the street with a slight limp.

1.21.2019

Languish

Follow me to the reservoir,
I will not teeter.

1.19.2019

Feeling for You

I am grieving for a friend who is getting bullied by her molester. She was molested when she was little, but this person is still in her life. I just can't imagine. The constant reminder that it happened and the constant fear.

This is the thing that bothers me the most....always afraid. This is a constant battle, no relief. Please, Lord surround her with your protection.

1.15.2019

Beseech

There are roads not taken,
paths not worn down.
Are you on one?

1.14.2019

Wicked Eyes

My only desire is for you to face up to what you did.
You broke my spirit way before I could remember.
You speak in riddles trying to see what I remember.

Your curse of inflicting pain on your own children
ends with me --- I will never.

1.09.2019

Exasperated

You're pushed to the brink,
relying on all your inner strength.
More patience, please.

But why must we feel fear?
I know my nerves are frazzled,
I know I am so beyond tired.

I am reaching for more strength,
I am reaching for more peace.

1.07.2019

Who's Wrong?

What do you do when someone is rude to you?
Do you think that they might have something wrong with them?
I never do; I always, always think it's my fault.

I am so sick of feeling like everything bad around me is
my fault.
Who decided I'm the scapegoat?
Did anyone even request my permission?

I'm done feeling this way.
We have done nothing wrong.
We did not deserve to be abused.

We do not deserve to be bullied by every notion.

1.05.2019

Resolving Our Shit

If you don't know already, PTSD can be passed on from generation to generation. I realized today that my mother's mother had it due to a house fire where her two smallest children died. Hers was unresolved until the day she died. She had Alzheimer's disease for more than twenty years.

So what do we do if we want the cycle to end with us. We resolve it! We figure out who did what to us and forgive them. That's it, just forgive them. Probably impossible for us all. But all you have to do is try. Ask God to help you and let it go.

1.03.2019

Disparaging Voice

The loudest voice in my head is so vicious.
It is unrelenting and ruthless.
I want to go hide in my cave.

But a stiller, smaller, and loving voice
tells me to be brave and strong.
I don't feel I am any of these things.

Love wants to win.

1.02.2019

Facing Fear

I've always lived with a senseless amount of fear. I could never really identify where it came from until just today. I have been scared of a man who raped me when I was a child.

I mean really, the man is seventy years old now. What harm could he really do to me now? But I have to confess I am scared beyond comprehension that I will see him again.

This is the power that our attackers have on us. It really doesn't have to make sense; that is the point. Our brains have been programmed to respond to the littlest things as being bigger than they are. Do you ever feel like he could just walk in on you while your back is turned?

This lingering fear is what I have to face; I can't live like this any longer. Now that I can remember who he is, it's time to take down the giant.