1.22.2020

Beach Moment

I went to visit my two sisters and mother for a girls weekend.  It was so fun.

But I had one moment worth sharing. I had to face my biggest fear, my rapist. I walked down to the beach and yelled out as much as I needed to be free from his grip over me, any part of me.

The weirdest part was there was actually a man right there in front of me cowering down like he was guilty of something. Quite remarkable.

I am free now.


Medium: pastel on paper

1.15.2020

Goodness

One of the best pieces of information I got recently was that everything can be spiritual.

What does this mean? Well those of us that believe that Jesus is Lord it means the Holy Spirit is allowed to shape you. It directs your decisions, it guides us on this ever winding road to heaven.

So I am giving you permission in case you need it to allow the Holy Spirit to show you more of what God sees. Even when circumstances are challenging, something good is being worked out.

Look for the glimmers. Look for the silver lining. Look for how God is using it for YOUR good.  I will be praying for you.

1.14.2020

Going to Church

I am the spiritual daughter of my parents-in-law, or at least they believe so.  It's definitely complicated. They have a ministry that is ending but are hoping that I will somehow take it over or at least be apart of the team that will rebuild it.

I just can't.

I've been on my own with God for a while now, and just God. It's even hard to start walking out with people of faith again because I was abandoned and hurt by that church. I've come to rely on God and well my immediate family. My husband and two kids are wonderful. This has become my church.

Why? I can't explain it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for years but just in the last year had to walk through the knowledge of being raped at the age of nine.  The memory was repressed for 36 years!

So, I've had to deal with it in isolation. Not exactly. If you've been a reader on this blog, you know I pour out my heart here. This has become a therapeutic source for me.

I just can't get over the fact that my parents-in-law never called me to see if I was alright. They just wait for me to get better so that I can run things for them.  I just can't do anyone else's job for them.

I want to be my own independent person serving God. I don't want to be under anyone's umbrella. I want to see people with the same pain I've had to go through and say a word of hope for them. 

I want to be that person that I didn't get a chance to see when I could have used anyone. Absolutely anyone to see me and my struggle and my pain.

I've felt abandoned for so long; I'm not sure who to trust. I'm actually scared of getting hurt again by any individual.  

I have no more walls; I'm completely vulnerable. And yet I've never felt more free.

1.11.2020

My Priest and my Rapist

When I was a child I had a family friend. He was an adult and a father with his own two daughters. But I was his disciple. He was going to use me to further the cause of God.

He eventually persuaded me to lie down with him like Lot did with his two daughters in Genesis, but I couldn't do the things he asked of me. He eventually raped me.

But before that he had me confess to all the "wrongs" I did. I had to tell him if any boys caught me attention, I had to tell him if I ever found myself getting wet. He used this version of God to break my psyche completely.

So now I would have to get his attention a different way. I can't explain it. It's too much. I don't think I fully understand it.

I was nine years old.

1.10.2020

Freaking Out

I am not a millennial because I am twenty years older than that generation. However, I believe in triggers like there is no tomorrow.

My biggest trigger is my father-in-law whom I honestly love. But he reminds me so much of my childhood rapist it is scaring the f*ck out of me.

I am seeing him more lately because I thought I was over it. But once I remembered out nervous I was when I saw him earlier today, I had to cry hard. It is beyond overwhelming.

This may be the hardest thing I've ever confronted in my life so far. This is my biggest fear.

Please pray for me to your god, because I need it.

1.08.2020

Enemies

Look I get it... when someone does something mean to you, you want to do the same back. Right?

I know it's so challenging. Believe me I fully understand. But, we are supposed to turn the other cheek. Meaning let them slap the other side of your face if they want. Harsh, right?

Look, you have the biggest possible fighter in your court... God. I mean it. He see everything. He sees the secrets of our enemies. He knows exactly what their true intention is.

So, we are called to be nice no matter what? No, but you can look the other way from the person who means you harm. Do not spend your emotional and otherwise energy on them. They will suck you dry of all the light you are preciously carrying for others to see.

If they want to be on the side of the enemy, in the dark... let them be. Pray for them because you love them but let them go. God will fight the fight for you.

Do NOT bear the shame of their wrong doing. They are not worth your being imprisoned any longer.

You are free!! It's time to hold your head up high and be who you are meant to be!

1.06.2020

Iniquity

When I had a mental breakdown a few years ago, I fully believed I was a lesbian. I believed this lie from the enemy for a year of my life. It took a serious toll on my marriage; I thank God every day my husband didn't believe the lie as well.

But what can I share with you from this? That it is absolutely alright to be bullied by the enemy. This happens to everyone. But why?

I have had a love hate relationship with my mother as far as I can remember. Did she give me everything I needed growing up? Absolutely not! So there is the why.

See where your iniquity can be traced to your past and see if you can identify the loss or missing space in your heart that God can only fix.

Please know you are not the only one. There are many of us who whole heartily follow God who understand how the enemy can attack you in the most believing way.  Don't put weight on this lie... please, don't.

(With tears) Please God, help all those cast in the darkness walk into your light with Your infinite grace and mercy.

1.05.2020

Trance

I'm left with this in my mind from my bible study before going to sleep.  I do have some spectacular dreams again. Sorry, if I sound like I'm bragging. I am so humbly grateful to have such awesome dreams, really.

I am a female bad ass in Beijing one evening. I am consoling a lesbian friend last night.  Strange, but powerful. I really feel as though I am helping others in their own dreams. I am guiding others in theirs to go toward the light and away from the darkness.

But the last one I had was one in which I am in a trance. I am watching a group of young women singing and a young man helps me from behind while I fall into a trance. The adult in me would compare it to be drugged. I can barely walk. I am my nine-year old self though. The same age in which I am raped.

I am healed from the young man who is with me. I am shaking and crying and feel all the weight gone. I am giddy and moving into other rooms when finally the young man flies away with me.

I would love to think it could have been Jesus, right?  But, my son said he had the same dream in which he was himself, the young man. Crazy! I love it!

1.03.2020

Don't Settle

When you finally get to a place where you only want positive people in your life, you have to let go of the baggage.  We were groomed to be people pleasers; but when we let go of that need, we can be free to have real loving people in our lives. 

When you finally start attracting people who are willing to see all of you, accept you, and still be kind to you, you know you've made it to the other side.  And I mean they are sincere.

This is my prayer for you, to have the discernment to find people who are kind and compassionate because that is who they truly are. It does not matter how much money they have, the color of their skin, or anything we can see with our worldly eyes. They don't even have to have endured the pain and suffering we have.

They just are children of God as well and identify themselves as so even if secretly.

1.02.2020

PTSD Truth

Never let anyone tell you how long it should or will take to heal.

PTSD is a very complex problem and cannot and will not be fixed overnight. Embrace the process. Embrace the ups and downs; use this energy to heal yourself. When I feel up, aka anxious, I like to use it with my art or exercise. Sometimes I need to talk it out with a loved one.

When I feel down, I cry and I mean I cry.  I let it out. I don't even need to know why anymore. I just reach far down where the pain is at and release it.  It feels so empowering when you can express the pain in moans and groans.  It's more powerful than you can believe.  God hears you!