11.14.2018

Won't Despair

Knowing that I am sick is despairing.
Knowing that I have a big fight ahead of me is intimidating.
I'm afraid that I won't have enough.
I'm afraid.

11.09.2018

Inner Demands


I have always loved books. My first major memory was of a book called, “Are You My Mother?” It was read to my class at the public library in Sarasota, Florida. It spoke to my pain like nothing else; I cried. The teachers didn’t know what to do with me. They all spoke about me while I sat nearby. Could you imagine? Why not have a conversation with me?

I remember my first major book that I read from front to back in a weekend. It was “Chariots of Fire.” I couldn’t put it down. I was mesmerized by the parallels to my own life, and yet it saddened me so entirely. Why was no one committed to me and my dreams?

My favorite author is Charles Dickens. I may not have read everything by him, but appreciate his character development. Dickens uses the dirt of the people as the heroes of his stories; you get a sense that they are the real heroes of our society as well.

I thought I wanted to be a dancer for as long as I could remember. But if I really place the origination of that dream, I can see that was my mother’s.

I always wanted her to be proud of me. But now that I know that she was one of the major sources of my abuse growing up, I can free myself of that expectation.

11.08.2018

Altered

I have been scorned with words of hate.
I have been torn to pieces with your eyes.
Beseech my beckoning call.
Your avarice respite is inadequate.

11.07.2018

Darkness

"Maybe you can stare too long at something
drain out the virtue,
suck out the living juice."

"The Other Side of the Wind" by Orson Welles

Blooming

11.04.2018

Bewailing

You dig your heals in eager to please.
Remember the Lord?
Where does He fit in your fretting?

11.03.2018

Lonesome

The shadow of wantonness will not cleave,
it haunts me day and night.

What do you want from me with your shamefulness?
You can no longer keep me captive.

11.01.2018

Tenacious

I look to see what has become of you,
only to be awakened with the knowledge
that you too have suffered much.

I am burdened to feel your grief;
do not despair, I understand.
Stand firm in the light.