1.30.2019

Fear

It is strangling me,
it is slandering me,
it is not forgiving me.

It is reminding me,
it is foraging me
for memories lost.

It will not let me go,
it consumes me,
it paralyzes me.

I will not forget
who is holding me up.

1.29.2019

PTSD Brain

So you know you have PTSD when something that bothered you over a month ago gets triggered back up and your depressed over it for three days. Yikes!

I literally wrote about my family being a disappointment over the holidays (What-do-you-do-when-you-are-ignored) and yet I was not over it.

So I'm trying to see if there is a reason for this to happen. Am I the only one who gets triggered out of the middle of nowhere? I didn't see it coming.

Got to love the brain's way of dealing with disappointment from loved ones. Just stuff it down. How do we undo these pathways?

1.27.2019

Wronged

Why would a person who loves you hurt you?

I cannot answer this question. I struggle to understand it, yet I still experience it. Over and over again, I am hurt by those that are my family. Do I choose to be hurt? Definitely not. Do I expect love? Absolutely. Are my expectations wrong?

How can love be wrong?

1.24.2019

Heavy Heart

My sister, a victim of complex PTSD, is suffering deeply. I know God can get her through it, but it appears to be overwhelming for her.

She is a recovering addict from about twenty years plus of drug use. You have no idea the miracles God has already done in order for her to still be alive today. One could argue that she is a miracle, but not from the world's point of view.

She is struggling, with a capital "s". She just got out of jail and has a criminal record. But she did find a job as a waitress, something she is really good at. But now she has a bad foot from a accident before she went to jail that just got worse while away. She cannot stand on it very long without it swelling.

So now the only skill she has cannot last for her. She has to find something else. She probably needs to go back to school. If I recollect things, I'm not entirely sure she even has her high school diploma.

But for now she has to try each and every day that she wakes up to choose to stay sober. Sobering, right? Sorry, I couldn't resist. You think your life might be rough, but you never know what that person is going through that is walking down the street with a slight limp.

1.21.2019

Languish

Follow me to the reservoir,
I will not teeter.

1.19.2019

Feeling for You

I am grieving for a friend who is getting bullied by her molester. She was molested when she was little, but this person is still in her life. I just can't imagine. The constant reminder that it happened and the constant fear.

This is the thing that bothers me the most....always afraid. This is a constant battle, no relief. Please, Lord surround her with your protection.

1.15.2019

Beseech

There are roads not taken,
paths not worn down.
Are you on one?

1.14.2019

Wicked Eyes

My only desire is for you to face up to what you did.
You broke my spirit way before I could remember.
You speak in riddles trying to see what I remember.

Your curse of inflicting pain on your own children
ends with me --- I will never.

1.09.2019

Exasperated

You're pushed to the brink,
relying on all your inner strength.
More patience, please.

But why must we feel fear?
I know my nerves are frazzled,
I know I am so beyond tired.

I am reaching for more strength,
I am reaching for more peace.

1.07.2019

Who's Wrong?

What do you do when someone is rude to you?
Do you think that they might have something wrong with them?
I never do; I always, always think it's my fault.

I am so sick of feeling like everything bad around me is
my fault.
Who decided I'm the scapegoat?
Did anyone even request my permission?

I'm done feeling this way.
We have done nothing wrong.
We did not deserve to be abused.

We do not deserve to be bullied by every notion.

1.05.2019

Resolving Our Shit

If you don't know already, PTSD can be passed on from generation to generation. I realized today that my mother's mother had it due to a house fire where her two smallest children died. Hers was unresolved until the day she died. She had Alzheimer's disease for more than twenty years.

So what do we do if we want the cycle to end with us. We resolve it! We figure out who did what to us and forgive them. That's it, just forgive them. Probably impossible for us all. But all you have to do is try. Ask God to help you and let it go.

1.03.2019

Disparaging Voice

The loudest voice in my head is so vicious.
It is unrelenting and ruthless.
I want to go hide in my cave.

But a stiller, smaller, and loving voice
tells me to be brave and strong.
I don't feel I am any of these things.

Love wants to win.

1.02.2019

Facing Fear

I've always lived with a senseless amount of fear. I could never really identify where it came from until just today. I have been scared of a man who raped me when I was a child.

I mean really, the man is seventy years old now. What harm could he really do to me now? But I have to confess I am scared beyond comprehension that I will see him again.

This is the power that our attackers have on us. It really doesn't have to make sense; that is the point. Our brains have been programmed to respond to the littlest things as being bigger than they are. Do you ever feel like he could just walk in on you while your back is turned?

This lingering fear is what I have to face; I can't live like this any longer. Now that I can remember who he is, it's time to take down the giant.