What happens when Gods doesn’t fulfill your desires the way you want? Do you go ahead and try to achieve it anyway? Let me give you some advice from my own personal discovery; don’t rely on man or yourself more than God. If he cares for the sparrows and all their needs, he cares about all of yours as well. So, sit back and push somewhere else in your life, maybe something that you’ve been putting off.


Our Dreams

What happens when we follow other’s

dreams for ourselves?

Do we get lost in the abyss?

I’m living proof that we all individually

deserve our own dream.

Whatever it is.



I miss you so much.

It actually aches inside where you are.

I will never let you go.


On the Wrong Side of the Road

I grew up on food stamps mainly because my mother had a drug habit
since my brother was born.

I went to public school in Sarasota, Florida where I don’t believe 
anyone ever noticed. If they did, they didn’t ask questions. We were 
absent a lot and tardy as well. No one seemed to care.

Why would a smart white girl have a bad household? One with addiction and lots of love.

Someday we will see everyone as our equal.


Dear Gentle Reader

Where do I start? Firstly, my little sister died on March 22. She was an addict and in the most severe mental anguish I've ever encountered on this journey. I know she is no longer suffering and in heaven.

But, now I am in Florida to say goodbye to her with with remainder of my family staying with my mother. Yes, she too is an addict. I have yet to encounter what that actually looks like until this trip. Now that I too am an adult I can see with my eyes wide open, and she is caught still in her sickness.

I pray that she will not fall into the abyss where my sister and her daughter went before her death. She needs God's overwhelming strength to get through this. Unfortunately, my sister died in this very room in which I am writing this to you down the hall from my mother. My mother was the last person in this world that my dear sister saw.

This is so traumatic for my mother that I am quietly and patiently waiting for her to show some glimmer of hope. May God grant this prayer for me.

Always enduring and praising your name, amen.



Ultimately we all want to end up in heaven.

For some of us, it’s a road of endless trials.

Whichever place we end up is inevitably up to each of us.

May you choose the right one. 



May the Lord bless you and keep you.


Deepest Desire

Dear Son,

I would take your place if I could. I would carry your depression and anxiety if God would allow me. It completely breaks my heart that you have to endure such hardship at such a tender age.

Your loving mother.

May God help all those who suffer from any mental health ailment.



I've always been athletic; it's a significant part of my healing that I depend on. Sometimes when I get sick, I have to rest up. But ultimately, I turn back to it for physical and emotional healing.

When I was in high school I started running on cross-country and track even though my family could not afford running sneakers for me. One of the coaches got me a great pair.

My first year on cross-country, we ended up at regionals. I ran the 800 meter and won. I never even placed. This was a big deal for me and on top of it I beat our best female runner who was a senior. Unbelievable. But, I had to pay a price for the success.

Soon after the race, my back was in so much pain that I had to be carried onto the bus and then home.

Is this what will happen to me if I follow my dream? Something painful that takes me completely out of the arena?



Why would a mother allow her child to be raped?

She was raped herself as a child. But, doesn’t she want the cycle to end?

What motivates her to be in the darkness as well? And not just a little, but fully in.

She scares me to this day.

Lord, whatever power she has take away. Bring her to her knees to You. You are the only one who can free us from her brutality.


Spirit of Indignation

Some call it self-righteousness,

others know it to be a puffed up attitude.

Either way, the spirit of repression is behind it.

One wants to feel better than someone else.

Lord, we ask that Your spirit of unity

tie us to do Your will, amen.


Church 2

Empty seats and aisles,

waiting for the plague to end.

Your leader is a false idol

with success in business.

Your missions are overseas.

When will you listen to the

moans and groans

of your own community?



There is one person from my graduating high school class who has died. This was years ago, so tragically very young.

I saw her waitressing at a restaurant I ate at one evening while visiting my family in my home town. I can’t help feeling like if I had said something nice to her, I could have somehow lifted her out of her cloud of misery.

I know it was not my fault… none of it was. Those who have left this world in their pain and agony is not our fault. All we can do is pray for whomever we can. That is all; it is more than enough.



Holier now than

you have ever been.

The journey is just beginning.



What do you do when God keeps you sick for so long that it becomes the new normal?

I am definitely so angry at my own flesh. The constant wrestling is exhausting. At least when I’m sick I am so weak that the required grace is so great that every fleshly temptation is subdued.

This is the blessing in my suffering.



In Oman, they sent bombs to nearby lands killing my cousins. I did not know them but they were and are my blood relatives.

They too have a cry for injustice.



Maybe the men I saw in my dreams were the spirits of the men who died in battle. During the war in Afghanistan many soldiers died; the base had ceremonies every week where the coffins of the deceased were sent back home for burial.

Maybe instead of it being some kind of nightmare, it was a way to show me that they need a voice to speak up for them. Amazing!



When I was in Afghanistan we had to take anti-Malaria medicine. I ended up having a bad reaction to the first which landed me in the medical clinic where I got placed on a second medication.

It was then when my dreams became delusions. I could see men coming into my tent into my room. The vision was so vivid and real that my fear was intense. 

Eventually, the logic of my brain painted a picture in which this would make sense. But the truth was I was scared that someone wanted to rape me.


Prayer for Friends

I pray that you stay

with the Lord.

Do not deter from your calling,

you will demolish foes

bigger than ever.

There is nothing too hard

for the LORD.


Guilty Sin Offering

According to the law, we all fall short of the glory of God. This is what God is, not us. We all make mistakes.

I hope I always make mistakes as not to run into self-righteousness. My constant prayer is to stay humble and in need of God.



We are not lost again,

we are not headed back.

What the LORD has freed us from

is between you and Him/Her.

Be strong and courageous!


Servant of Babel

Hunting the innocent,
choosing darkness
instead of light.

God will turn you to salt
as your kingdom
is burned down.

I long to be united
in heart and soul,
maybe in heaven.



When you have reached it here, you have learned a few things. One is that there is a sense of harmony when you are with other believers. This is really the only thing that I crave besides communion with the LORD... communion with the saints.

But what if there is resistance in that harmony that you keep running into? This saint is simply not part of your church. They are struggling or thriving in the LORD but you don't need to interact with them. They really aren't good for you.

The person in my life that I am struggling with has so many other gods and spirits on them that I am overwhelmed when I am around them. They make me feel anxious even though they are trying to be kind to me.

The wisdom they are sharing is not for me, nor for you.


Next Step

Please, do not leave our God.

There is a curse promised if you do.

Make sure you give all the

glory and honour to God

as all the blessings roll in.