9.16.2021

Love and Hate

So, why would God care about me? What makes me or you so special? Absolutely nothing. When we all look deep inside we all know that we are all selfish, worthless, and can find countless reasons why we shouldn’t be loved by God.

We truly understand that the love we have for God is because he loves us. When the gratitude hits us, then we can finally start to heal.

It’s only His love that makes us want to be better, not that we can do it ourselves. Only by His grace.

So I stand before you worthless and defiled but priceless and perfect in His eyes. This is what it is all about.

9.13.2021

Lost It

I have a long history of risk of breast cancer. I have three women in my family who have died from it.

Today was another mammogram. I didn’t know I was scared until someone set me off.

This person was driving really close to the back of my car. Normally I just pull off the road and let them pass.

I did that, but then the car between us made a turn.

I then aggressively drove close to their car in return. I know… not very Christian of me.

I justified it because they needed to learn their lesson. I even backed off at least two car lengths after and felt terrible.

I decided to show them how to properly follow a car. But, do you think they learned their lesson by me doing the very thing they were doing wrong. I’m sure they were convinced I was crazy and that’s it.

I am broken and scared. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

9.09.2021

Warning

The meaning of your dream
is a fair warning. 

If you do not listen to the LORD,
it will all come crashing down.

Revolving Door

Chasing the wind,
looking for approval
from the enemy.

It doesn't have to make sense;
the person who hurt us
was for the enemy,
not God.

Now surrender
and release the pain.

8.30.2021

Position

Align your allegiance
with Jerusalem.

Although it appears to be Egypt,
it cannot claim you.

You will always be mine.

8.26.2021

Within

The walls are down,
the blood is poured.

Jesus will reign
until our death
when we join him
at the right hand of God.

Do not falter or be dismayed;
the battle is won.

False Spirit

 It does not reside in you.

The seed was planted long ago,
and continued to be watered by others,
even saints.

You have the strongest possible
discernment now,
the biggest gift of peace.

Just remember the problem is theirs.

8.23.2021

Good vs. Evil

Weeping will last for the night and joy will come in the morning.

We are not in immortality or eternity yet. But God sees us and brings the deliverance we seek.

We exist in two realms, here with our ever struggle with the ways of the world and above where grace and mercy fill up to overflowing.

I pray that you will build a beautiful heavenly cascading wall around yourself open to heaven alone.

Let the rest dwell with the demons of this age. They will get their due in the here after.

8.21.2021

Betrayal

 Place your hope in God alone.

The voices in your head
are from the enemy.

It will tell you things
that you want to believe.

Just remember God can work
anything for good,
even by our standards.

8.17.2021

Wayward Woman

 Likened to a serpent
with her flattering tongue.

Do not let her beguile you
with her charm and deceit.

You are weary and beat up,
but not foolish.

Direct her interest
to herself.

8.05.2021

Enemies Within

My mother is still a drug addict. She still believes she knows more than me. She still thinks that she can do nothing wrong.

I do understand that drug addicts use out of their pain. But I keep waiting to see when she will start emotionally growing past adolescence.

She self-medicates her pain which makes her an expert with medicating others, like me.

The last time I spent time with her, she had me smoking more than I was ever comfortable to get me through a very difficult time.

But now I’m fearful to be around her again. I have had the luxury of living far away from her since I was 19 years old. She stirs so many feeling in me.

I’m sure I still blame her for not being able to protect me from being raped. And I don’t need her trying to take care of me by always being over critical by telling me to relax and passing me some kind of medicine.

I’m over it. What’s wrong with being raw and vulnerable? What’s wrong with talking about the painful stuff?

My job should not be to puff up her ego any longer.

7.15.2021

New Normal

 Where did you hide
with your pride and evil intent.

There is nowhere you can go
that God cannot find.

It is time for change;
your conscience will not rest
until you do.

7.13.2021

Remembrance

I recall the wrath
you sent to me.

I recall the mistrust
you assumed
because I was sick.

I recall
the assumption
that I no longer
clung to my integrity.


You were mistaken.

God has a plan
for even the disappointment.

6.14.2021

War Cry

 I don't think you know who you are messing with.

I am seem docile, even humble.

But what you don't know is that
God has made me a warrior.

You can say whatever you want
however mean you think you are
will not touch me.

You have to answer to God.

5.23.2021

Triangles or Rectangles

 You seem to be an isosceles triangle
but really are an obtuse rectangle.

You can't seem to fit in with
right angles,
too rigid in your ways.

Back off and be alone.
We do not need your judgement.

5.06.2021

Too Elevated

When your perspective
becomes skewed,
find someone to talk
sense back into you.

It's not that life has
lost it's meaning,
but not every thing
is meaningful.

I pray that you
gain discernment
in your enlightened walk.


4.25.2021

Made It

On the other side of the storm now.

My health was so debilitating at times; more than I thought I could get through.

Now on to active recovery mode.


Hope you are getting healed as well.


4.18.2021

Beaten

Wayward and broken,
not wandering,
just following Your will.


3.27.2021

Letter to Steve

By the power of Jesus, you no longer have power over me.

I was free born.

You may have used my relationship with God to manipulate me into your web of lies; but, I see you for what you are. So does God.

You cannot deceive God.

You may not be in jail for what you did; but, be aware you will sit in the judgment seat.

You are guilty!

3.24.2021

No More Tyranny

We are free to be
who we are called to be,
not what anyone else thinks.

Let all your chains come off.
Let us fly like eagles.

He made our calling before we were born.

3.09.2021

Deep Rooted Pain

It will not leave,
ever present reminding me
that I am not enough.

I will never be enough.

The shame is too deep,
the pain is now everlasting.
I am in anguish.

Despondent? Sure.
But more than that.
Disappointed in humanity.

There is a pain in our country
that I feel as my own.
They are tied together as one.

I release this.

2.26.2021

Solemn Regret

With harassment running rampant and having to serve the mission before my needs left me with a nervous breakdown right before I had to retire.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful that I got to retire at 20 years. But, quite frankly I served all 20 years with integrity.

I do not regret one single decision. They were from a place of honesty and definitely my pain.

So maybe I was in more relationships than I would like to see for my daughter, but that is not my shame.

Maybe I drank too much on too many occasions. That too is not my shame.


How others take advantage of us as survivors of abuse in not our fault. It will never be our fault; the shame lies on them and them alone.

2.23.2021

War Zone

Sleep never comes easy. My gear is under my bed when a missile comes our way. It happens every couple of weeks and we are the target.

There are mosquitos carrying malaria. There are camel spiders and scorpions everywhere. Must check my boots every time I put them on.

There are schnucks (army helicopters) carrying soldiers to and from the front line. Not all come back.

I have such vivid dreams that I actually see men coming into my room to get me.

I am terrified.

2.19.2021

Remorse

This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.

I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.

Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.

Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.

Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment. 

No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.

Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.

2.16.2021

No More Condemnation

I have always been a believer.

Even now, in this dark place of a terrible trigger. The couple that raped me when I was a child used my Christianity against me. They twisted it into a way of getting me to obey them. It worked also because I was only nine years old.

But I want my relationship with God to be mine only. I don't want anyone else's input on it. I don't want another preacher using the word in a twisted way to condemn who I am as a believer.

It's been long enough.


2.13.2021

Comfort

I was paralyzed with fear yesterday. Complete illogical fear, but that did not keep my body from responding. My nervous system was so attacked I could not keep solids down.

After nursing myself back to health, I sat on the couch to watch a fun show with a bag of Cheeto's; not my normal snack food, but I felt like I just had to.

So, sure I ended up on the toilet one more time before going to sleep. But it felt worth it.

I took a two hour long bath trying my hardest to calm the storm.

It was so overwhelming.

I really hope you can find comfort when and where you need it the most as well.


2.11.2021

Powdered Donuts

My husband went out last night to pick up our son's new glasses and was supposed to pick up batteries but came home with powdered donuts instead. It made for a fun breakfast for the kids with cereal and juice.

But the taste brought me right back to being a kid myself. I was about five years old and my parents had just separated. My sisters and I were living with our mother in our new house.

It was always a lot of work to get me to school in the morning. But on this one morning my mom had a friend over who brought me to school on his moped. We stopped by the gas station on the way for powdered donuts and orange juice.

I ate my breakfast on the way to school on his moped. It was so fun. I decided I liked this guy. Could he be our new father?

That same day I waited outside my school for a long time for anyone to pick me up. Could be that man on his moped again. Could be my mother.

But no one came. So I walked about a mile to my grandparent's house. My children would not be able to do this now.

From that day forward, my grandfather picked me up from school.

2.04.2021

Are you on edge?

On the edge of what, right?  Exactly. Could be good, could be bad. I know; I'm feeling it too.

Our experience would tell us that something bad had to happen. My kids made a loud noise last night while making dinner and I was instantly in "fear" mode. I was so scared something terrible happened to one of them.

And this is not too far off of the truth. When our oldest child was three, he was bit by a dog and had to go the hospital to get staples. Wow, was it terrible.

It was exactly your worst fear come true. So, I get it. I've had terrible things happen to me, I've seen terrible things happen to my loved ones, and now what?

We can do this. We can walk into liberty and freedom. We can quiet this incessant anxiety that is trying to take us down.

At least it's not depression. But somewhere in the middle would be better than this.

Please, God help us get through this breakthrough without fear.


1.31.2021

Untrapped

I was recently reminded that almost anything can send you right back to a traumatic event in your life.

I found myself completely helpless in the fear and anxiety my body immediately felt. I reacted in a way that was not like me.

I was five again.

My parents had just separated from a terrible marriage; my father was physically abusing our mother.

Now we were in our first home away from him and I finally felt like we could have a good future. But he came over uninvited and had a physical fight with my mother in which she got burned by our kitchen stove.  When he left, I was hysterical.

I actually had a hard time breathing; I was overcome with fear and could not stop crying. It was overwhelming. I thought we would never be free from him.

This is what the pandemic has felt like for many of us. The truth is that the battle doesn't seem to end. We can't see the kindness. We can't even see people's faces.

For the survivors out there like myself, please keep your head up and know you are not alone. We can get through this one as well. We were made for it.


1.22.2021

Overwhelmed

I keep getting triggered by my mother-in-law. I really sincerely love her and want her to be a part of my children's life. But, she makes me so anxious when I am around her and eventually I lash out at her.

I really don't know what to do but avoid her for a while again. It is frustrating because she really doesn't bother me that much. She just sends me into a spiral of despair.

That's it.


1.10.2021

Flipping It

I was abused by a married couple. They planned on raping me for some time. They set fear so deep inside of me that when the even occurred, I immediately buried it deep down inside never to see the light of day again.

At least that is what had happened until two years ago. The wife was a nurse and she was good at keeping me quiet. The day after the incident she alone was with me. I had no choice but to bury my secret.

But now I can see that it was a bit of a gift in disguise. The truth could only come out in a loving and supportive environment. This is where I am.

So I choose to confront my past with the viewpoint of hope for the future. Why? Because God would not have allowed that to happen to me if it wasn't going to be used to help someone else.

I hope to spread some love to all of us who need it the most.


1.03.2021

Always

There are awakenings that are just too dark and ugly to accept.

There are truths that no matter how much you want to believe are beyond understanding.

There is pain that cannot be extinguished.


You are not alone.


Know that you do not suffer by yourself.

Hold you head up just a little bit.