9.30.2020

Heart

I have been diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) from my primary care physician and have now seen a cardiologist. This may sound scary, but I am elated.

From my brief research, when one would have PTSD for a heightened length of time you suffer from a constant fight or flight mode as your normal. When you start coming out of PTSD, you can get POTS.

This may cause some unusual bodily responses such as fainting. But now I just have to have more salt in my diet and drink more water. It has not slowed me down too much otherwise.

As a matter of fact, I feel great.

I can exercise, sleep without medication, and do all the things I never felt I would ever do without medication. I am medication free.

Do you mind if I say it again, so I hear it this time.... I am medication free!!

You too can do it. Don't give up the good fight.

9.27.2020

Dragon

When something terrible like rape happens to you, this spirit can follow you as well.

Depending on your preference, it can embody a male or female and drive you back to the place of the crime.

You have to be aware of this in order to make it stop. You have my permission.

9.20.2020

Seen

We all traverse this life
with burdens of our past.

Our mistakes, our wounds,
and our achievements.

They don't define
who we really are.

We are a finely knit sweater
or a breathtaking sunset
that only God took the time
and effort to make.

We are more than all we do.
We are love, laughs, and big hugs.



9.11.2020

Peace

 May God grant you peace beyond understanding.


9.04.2020

When Your Body Remembers Rape

 I am now sleeping without medication which is to say quite honestly may be one of the hardest things I've done for myself. My husband said that I'm brave for doing it.

So, I wake up around 4:30 every morning and am always reminded of the negative things I hear about myself and all the things I need to do the next day. Exhausting... lol.

I am now using an app to help me calm back down to get back to sleep. It works. But in the process of going back to sleep it draws out my fears. I cry for a minute while I acknowledge the pain of what happened and then move forward. It's refreshing as well.

I uncovered an ache in one of my buttocks that has really become painful all the time in the last couple of years. It's on the line of the sciatic nerve which makes all the sense I need.

During the first rape I was so young that a grown man on top of me would have definitely hurt my pelvic and buttock muscles. Only makes sense. But the real damage was the nerve endings in those areas that remember what happened and how it made them feel.

So, now my body is running on fear fuel all the time based on the pain in my bottom. This of course makes my heart race. And this happens while I'm asleep as well. No wonder.


9.03.2020

Sleep

 The Final Frontier.

I have had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my father gave me some headphones from his work. When I was younger than that, I would ask my sister to sleep with me.

The real problem is that I was raped twice while sleeping.

Harsh? Exactly.

So, what does a busy wife and mother of two do? Takes anything on the market to help me sleep through my fears.

The debilitating thing about real phobias are they don't have to make sense. My body and mind remember the events far too well. So, I would use a ton of sleep medicine to get a "good night's rest."

Then, because I was so drugged through the night, I would overcome the drowsiness with some caffeine in the morning. This too would affect the quality of my sleep. But I could take one more melatonin, right?

What a cycle I was on.

Now, I've given up all caffeine and sleep aids and had my first night of sleep "all natural." You have no idea how good this feels.

Now I can see the phobia for what it really is; a lie. Now I can take down that giant without fear.


9.01.2020

Harmony

 When the Spirit is present,

we are united.

No matter our differences,

we are cohesive.


Three Sisters