May God grant you peace beyond understanding.
I am now sleeping without medication which is to say quite honestly may be one of the hardest things I've done for myself. My husband said that I'm brave for doing it.
So, I wake up around 4:30 every morning and am always reminded of the negative things I hear about myself and all the things I need to do the next day. Exhausting... lol.
I am now using an app to help me calm back down to get back to sleep. It works. But in the process of going back to sleep it draws out my fears. I cry for a minute while I acknowledge the pain of what happened and then move forward. It's refreshing as well.
I uncovered an ache in one of my buttocks that has really become painful all the time in the last couple of years. It's on the line of the sciatic nerve which makes all the sense I need.
During the first rape I was so young that a grown man on top of me would have definitely hurt my pelvic and buttock muscles. Only makes sense. But the real damage was the nerve endings in those areas that remember what happened and how it made them feel.
So, now my body is running on fear fuel all the time based on the pain in my bottom. This of course makes my heart race. And this happens while I'm asleep as well. No wonder.
The Final Frontier.
I have had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my father gave me some headphones from his work. When I was younger than that, I would ask my sister to sleep with me.
The real problem is that I was raped twice while sleeping.
So, what does a busy wife and mother of two do? Takes anything on the market to help me sleep through my fears.
The debilitating thing about real phobias are they don't have to make sense. My body and mind remember the events far too well. So, I would use a ton of sleep medicine to get a "good night's rest."
Then, because I was so drugged through the night, I would overcome the drowsiness with some caffeine in the morning. This too would affect the quality of my sleep. But I could take one more melatonin, right?
What a cycle I was on.
Now, I've given up all caffeine and sleep aids and had my first night of sleep "all natural." You have no idea how good this feels.
Now I can see the phobia for what it really is; a lie. Now I can take down that giant without fear.
I've come out of the worst of the repressed memories, although I still can't sleep well.
I have complications with some minor health concerns, but at the root of it I'm just scared of having nightmares. I still wake up screaming at times.
This is a real concern with PTSD; no matter how you shake it. It affects us all. I had someone at a church pray for me asking God to get rid of them. I never even attempted to ask God.
God, can you please help us all stop having nightmares?
You defile the sanctity of the cross,
you use it to wile your power
to those that are perceived at powerless.
You worketh abominations
with every step and action.
The wave of goodness will win
and you will be pushed
to the end of the earth
|No More Shame|
This is with a heavy heart that I share this post. We need to listen to the one who speaks.
So far we were supposed to listen to those in charge of us, not just elected officials. Those medical experts who are making wise decisions for our benefit as a society. But we have not done that.
Now God is saying he will shake the world one more time but not just the earth also the heavens. So get ready. For our God is a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29).
One of the stories I heard was from my mother in which she was tripping on some psychedelic drug when she hallucinated seeing a snake. When I was born they named me Kristin Grace and baptized me there in the woods.
When it came to the delivery they sought out a hospital. But my mother's recollection of her delivery of me was not very pleasant. It was like I was taken from her without her cooperation; the doctors had to use forceps to assist. My mother doesn't have many good things to say about me being born.
It's really challenging when you have Christians in your life who are family who hold the standard with the Old Testament, the Law. It's unbelievable that they can believe in Jesus and his resurrection but not seek that same transformation in their loved ones.
Do they actually want to see the same curses passed down from generation to generation on their own grandchildren? I just can't.
In the name of Jesus may all the curses that the enemy is trying to place in our hearts be broken!
I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.
I have also come to the realization that it is alright.
I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.
Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.
But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.
All we have to do is forgive them.
They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.
The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.
If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.
That's me. I was abused starting at such a young age. I finally got clarity of some life skills I developed early on. For example, to be a people pleaser growing up was a survival instinct for me. I'm so grateful I'm not that way any longer, however I don't have many people in my life now. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel.
The other piece of information that has been helpful to me is that the people who were not there when it was hurting the most don't deserve to be in your life when it gets better. It's non negotiable for me now. It's simple.
I know that I will make new friends and closer friends that will fill the void of extended family. I know God understands the cost to me and my immediate family. I believe it is a set up for something better.
So, please don't lose hope. Just be grateful that you know now what a good friend will not be like.
I recently had an individual need me. I don't understand how anyone can just push themselves on you like you belong to them when you know and God knows you belong to someone else. God got me away from the person safely.
But the feelings don't go away so easily. It makes you lose trust in everyone. I trust God and that's it. But I want to be able to trust people. Why would God allow such dark people in our lives?
It is so painful; the shame wants to own you. LORD, please free all of us victims of violence from the darkness that wants to overtake us. For Your honor and glory, Amen.
I love driving through some of our National Parks in this area of Northeast Ohio. I drove through our loop and stopped on the way back to look at three deer. It was a mother with her two children. They were all fuzzy because it was winter.
First, one of the children looked at me. Then the mother. The second time she looked at me I started crying for no reason at all other than to be seen.
Hope you are seen by someone unexpectedly soon as well. It fills your soul in all the right places.
I get that I've been a good mother to our two children. I've stayed home with them both for the critical years. But I not going to do some job that you want me to do. I just won't.
I am livid. I can see it on everyone's faces as to what they expect from me.
But I have a different perspective. God has placed things in my dream sphere that I didn't even consider for myself. I will put all my trust in Him.
But I had one moment worth sharing. I had to face my biggest fear, my rapist. I walked down to the beach and yelled out as much as I needed to be free from his grip over me, any part of me.
The weirdest part was there was actually a man right there in front of me cowering down like he was guilty of something. Quite remarkable.
I am free now.
What does this mean? Well those of us that believe that Jesus is Lord it means the Holy Spirit is allowed to shape you. It directs your decisions, it guides us on this ever winding road to heaven.
So I am giving you permission in case you need it to allow the Holy Spirit to show you more of what God sees. Even when circumstances are challenging, something good is being worked out.
Look for the glimmers. Look for the silver lining. Look for how God is using it for YOUR good. I will be praying for you.
He eventually persuaded me to lie down with him like Lot did with his two daughters in Genesis, but I couldn't do the things he asked of me. He eventually raped me.
But before that he had me confess to all the "wrongs" I did. I had to tell him if any boys caught me attention, I had to tell him if I ever found myself getting wet. He used this version of God to break my psyche completely.
So now I would have to get his attention a different way. I can't explain it. It's too much. I don't think I fully understand it.
I was nine years old.
My biggest trigger is my father-in-law whom I honestly love. But he reminds me so much of my childhood rapist it is scaring the f*ck out of me.
I am seeing him more lately because I thought I was over it. But once I remembered out nervous I was when I saw him earlier today, I had to cry hard. It is beyond overwhelming.
This may be the hardest thing I've ever confronted in my life so far. This is my biggest fear.
Please pray for me to your god, because I need it.
I know it's so challenging. Believe me I fully understand. But, we are supposed to turn the other cheek. Meaning let them slap the other side of your face if they want. Harsh, right?
Look, you have the biggest possible fighter in your court... God. I mean it. He see everything. He sees the secrets of our enemies. He knows exactly what their true intention is.
So, we are called to be nice no matter what? No, but you can look the other way from the person who means you harm. Do not spend your emotional and otherwise energy on them. They will suck you dry of all the light you are preciously carrying for others to see.
If they want to be on the side of the enemy, in the dark... let them be. Pray for them because you love them but let them go. God will fight the fight for you.
Do NOT bear the shame of their wrong doing. They are not worth your being imprisoned any longer.
You are free!! It's time to hold your head up high and be who you are meant to be!
But what can I share with you from this? That it is absolutely alright to be bullied by the enemy. This happens to everyone. But why?
I have had a love hate relationship with my mother as far as I can remember. Did she give me everything I needed growing up? Absolutely not! So there is the why.
See where your iniquity can be traced to your past and see if you can identify the loss or missing space in your heart that God can only fix.
Please know you are not the only one. There are many of us who whole heartily follow God who understand how the enemy can attack you in the most believing way. Don't put weight on this lie... please, don't.
(With tears) Please God, help all those cast in the darkness walk into your light with Your infinite grace and mercy.
I am a female bad ass in Beijing one evening. I am consoling a lesbian friend last night. Strange, but powerful. I really feel as though I am helping others in their own dreams. I am guiding others in theirs to go toward the light and away from the darkness.
But the last one I had was one in which I am in a trance. I am watching a group of young women singing and a young man helps me from behind while I fall into a trance. The adult in me would compare it to be drugged. I can barely walk. I am my nine-year old self though. The same age in which I am raped.
I am healed from the young man who is with me. I am shaking and crying and feel all the weight gone. I am giddy and moving into other rooms when finally the young man flies away with me.
I would love to think it could have been Jesus, right? But, my son said he had the same dream in which he was himself, the young man. Crazy! I love it!
When you finally start attracting people who are willing to see all of you, accept you, and still be kind to you, you know you've made it to the other side. And I mean they are sincere.
This is my prayer for you, to have the discernment to find people who are kind and compassionate because that is who they truly are. It does not matter how much money they have, the color of their skin, or anything we can see with our worldly eyes. They don't even have to have endured the pain and suffering we have.
They just are children of God as well and identify themselves as so even if secretly.
PTSD is a very complex problem and cannot and will not be fixed overnight. Embrace the process. Embrace the ups and downs; use this energy to heal yourself. When I feel up, aka anxious, I like to use it with my art or exercise. Sometimes I need to talk it out with a loved one.
When I feel down, I cry and I mean I cry. I let it out. I don't even need to know why anymore. I just reach far down where the pain is at and release it. It feels so empowering when you can express the pain in moans and groans. It's more powerful than you can believe. God hears you!