11.29.2020

Hurt

When you are raised around mean people, it is inevitable you will continue on this path until you fully realize it to be so.

I was emotionally abused all my life, even with my first husband. It is humiliating and adds more shame to the mountain that already exists.

The pain that can be inflicted on you can be from family members, coworkers, medical staff, and even your pastor.

I know; it's quite too much for anyone to undertake. But you must walk away from anyone who is causing you any pain.

It can be lonely. But remember you've at least got me cheering you on.


11.22.2020

Upright

I know your bully. 
I know the heartache you feel.

You definitely belong to God.
You definitely are his child.

Don't allow the enemy to take you away.


11.16.2020

Shameless

Be forewarned that when you walk out of shame, the enemy will try with all it's might to bring you back.

It will ultimately play on all your weaknesses. I immediately got anxious and then mad.

But realize it will happen over and over again until we are equipped to see it coming.

We can do it because each and every one of us is worth it.


The yellow leaf is you... beautiful.

11.12.2020

Harassment

I have been harassed by males all of my life. Gratefully, not by my husband. Maybe that's why I can see the difference in the way I should be treated.

PTSD is a complex cloud of confusion and shame that masks itself. We feel like we are fine and functioning just fine except when we get treated wrong.

You just know it in your gut that it is wrong, but all the fear rises up and all you want to do is fight or flight. The clarity is not there. Just the fear.

Wow! I didn't understand it for myself until just now as well. Thank-you for being here for me. I hope this helps you.

With sympathetic tears I hope with all of my heart that you are uncovering your pain with the support and love you deserve.


11.07.2020

The Children I Lost

I had no idea...

That when we were in college planning our wedding that my niece and nephew would need a home.

My sister was a addict up until five years ago. She lost custody when she passed out on a sidewalk after doing some drugs. Terrible, right?

The guilt really comes into play for me because our mother lost custody of us three as well. And yes from doing drugs too. She is still an addict.

So, when the authorities called to ask if we could take the kids, my knee jerk reaction was to say yes. I couldn't say no.

I figured I could talk my soon to be husband into saying yes as well. But reality hit and we just couldn't do it.

I didn't know I would carry that guilt all these years. It surprised me when I recently saw a picture of them as adults. The relief and sadness overcame me.

My heart was bound to them as children and will be forever more.

11.03.2020

Release

 I have dreams that are beyond my reach.
I want to make a difference in others' lives.
I want my wounds and scars to mean something.

I want others to be led to the truth of God,
that He loves everyone unconditionally.

He alone can heal us.

But what if you are sick like me?
What if you suffer from some ailment that holds you back?

Is this really true?
Maybe this sickness is what will make us free.


10.29.2020

Making it Plain

Plain as day
is your resistance to light.

You sway with the wicked,
you cling to the dirt.

Resist the devil with all of your might
and be free from your bonds.

10.20.2020

Stop the Lies

We have all been fooled to believe that the president of the United States was sent by God, but this is a lie.

There are those that feed us all with lies. They relish with delight with us all in chaos; pure confusion.

But I am here to say that God has promised to get rid of him and all his clan. We will see a better tomorrow.

10.18.2020

Not Perfect

I may strive to be good.
I may strive to be kind.
I may even strive to be loving.

But do not misunderstand me.
I am far from perfect.
I am flawed beyond belief.

We all are.


10.11.2020

More

 They will pull and tear at you,
they will lead you to dismay.

All the lies that have ever
told you that you are not enough.

That you are too old, too young.

The lies that wake you up at night
taking all the light away.

Do not go there.

You were made for more.
Your story is what made you
more than you will ever know.

9.30.2020

Heart

I have been diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) from my primary care physician and have now seen a cardiologist. This may sound scary, but I am elated.

From my brief research, when one would have PTSD for a heightened length of time you suffer from a constant fight or flight mode as your normal. When you start coming out of PTSD, you can get POTS.

This may cause some unusual bodily responses such as fainting. But now I just have to have more salt in my diet and drink more water. It has not slowed me down too much otherwise.

As a matter of fact, I feel great.

I can exercise, sleep without medication, and do all the things I never felt I would ever do without medication. I am medication free.

Do you mind if I say it again, so I hear it this time.... I am medication free!!

You too can do it. Don't give up the good fight.

9.27.2020

Dragon

When something terrible like rape happens to you, this spirit can follow you as well.

Depending on your preference, it can embody a male or female and drive you back to the place of the crime.

You have to be aware of this in order to make it stop. You have my permission.

9.20.2020

Seen

We all traverse this life
with burdens of our past.

Our mistakes, our wounds,
and our achievements.

They don't define
who we really are.

We are a finely knit sweater
or a breathtaking sunset
that only God took the time
and effort to make.

We are more than all we do.
We are love, laughs, and big hugs.



9.11.2020

Peace

 May God grant you peace beyond understanding.


9.04.2020

When Your Body Remembers Rape

 I am now sleeping without medication which is to say quite honestly may be one of the hardest things I've done for myself. My husband said that I'm brave for doing it.

So, I wake up around 4:30 every morning and am always reminded of the negative things I hear about myself and all the things I need to do the next day. Exhausting... lol.

I am now using an app to help me calm back down to get back to sleep. It works. But in the process of going back to sleep it draws out my fears. I cry for a minute while I acknowledge the pain of what happened and then move forward. It's refreshing as well.

I uncovered an ache in one of my buttocks that has really become painful all the time in the last couple of years. It's on the line of the sciatic nerve which makes all the sense I need.

During the first rape I was so young that a grown man on top of me would have definitely hurt my pelvic and buttock muscles. Only makes sense. But the real damage was the nerve endings in those areas that remember what happened and how it made them feel.

So, now my body is running on fear fuel all the time based on the pain in my bottom. This of course makes my heart race. And this happens while I'm asleep as well. No wonder.


9.03.2020

Sleep

 The Final Frontier.

I have had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my father gave me some headphones from his work. When I was younger than that, I would ask my sister to sleep with me.

The real problem is that I was raped twice while sleeping.

Harsh? Exactly.

So, what does a busy wife and mother of two do? Takes anything on the market to help me sleep through my fears.

The debilitating thing about real phobias are they don't have to make sense. My body and mind remember the events far too well. So, I would use a ton of sleep medicine to get a "good night's rest."

Then, because I was so drugged through the night, I would overcome the drowsiness with some caffeine in the morning. This too would affect the quality of my sleep. But I could take one more melatonin, right?

What a cycle I was on.

Now, I've given up all caffeine and sleep aids and had my first night of sleep "all natural." You have no idea how good this feels.

Now I can see the phobia for what it really is; a lie. Now I can take down that giant without fear.


9.01.2020

Harmony

 When the Spirit is present,

we are united.

No matter our differences,

we are cohesive.


Three Sisters

8.21.2020

Restriction

 You crushed me

with your weight,

with your hate.


You made me do things

I would have never.


You made me promises

to stop but could not resist.



Water (2)

8.17.2020

Nightmares

I've come out of the worst of the repressed memories, although I still can't sleep well.

I have complications with some minor health concerns, but at the root of it I'm just scared of having nightmares. I still wake up screaming at times.

This is a real concern with PTSD; no matter how you shake it. It affects us all. I had someone at a church pray for me asking God to get rid of them. I never even attempted to ask God.

God, can you please help us all stop having nightmares?



8.13.2020

Scared

 We've been through a lot.

So much pain and disappointment.


One thing is true.

We love God with all of our hearts.


We can do this.

Let's go!



Nations

8.09.2020

Misogyny

 You defile the sanctity of the cross,

you use it to wile your power

to those that are perceived at powerless.


You worketh abominations

with every step and action.


The wave of goodness will win

and you will be pushed

to the end of the earth


forever.



Mahuzzim.

7.30.2020

Remembrance

I see You

in the most painful moments.


I see Your compassion,

Your sadness, and Your pleading.


Your tears are all

I ever needed to be healed.


Thank-you.


7.27.2020

Wearied Traveler

Poured out and lethargic,
scouring the floor on your knees.

The fear will subside,
the calm will return.

Smile and laugh,
the sun will return.


7.16.2020

Blessed

Your are pardoned from your reprieve.

Take your rightful place among

the honoured and blessed.


7.02.2020

Foreknowledge

Do no begrudge the knowledge

of those in charge of us.

Do they not seek the good

of all of us collectively?


Do not resist the wave

of all who do good for all.


6.29.2020

Rest

Though we lie many down to rest,

be assured we will see them again

in heaven.


We all go to the place above

with the ones we love

when Christ returns.


Rest your minds and spirit

in knowing they have entered

the ultimate prize of

eternal rest.


6.28.2020

Bearers of Shame

We do not hold

the authority or power

to endure the suffering

that Christ did

for all of us.


No More Shame

6.24.2020

6.15.2020

Slavery

Slavery can take on many forms. Here in the United States we have managed to keep our African Americans chained in all kinds of ways.

For me it has been in my head. I have been chained up as a slave to the enemy for my entire life. PTSD is one of the most challenging diseases to overcome. But I am free and finally seeing clearly.

Please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you too can be free from your chains. Know that we all have a difficult journey we are on.


Walls

6.09.2020

Rules

We live in this world with so many have to's. Why? 
Because we owe it to each other to be there. We need to be present with all weapons blazing to make this world a better place.

No more moping around feeling sorry for ourselves. It's time to be our best selves and show up to the people in our lives that mean the most to us.

It's time.


6.04.2020

Tired Saint

If you are a believer in Jesus, you know first hand what a saint is. You follow Jesus because he is the only one who knows you like no one else. Jesus knows me better than I do. I surrender myself every second of every minute of every hour of every day if I could. But through the grace of God, he seeks me first.

This is a relationship that is priceless. Once you get a real taste of the all knowing God and how he wants the best for all of us, it is impossible not to love all other saints. We all share the same relationship which bonds us beyond the color of our skin, our economic status, and any other obstacles. It is a bond that I cherish.

But what happens when the very people who should help you when you are at your lowest don't? What do you do?

This is the dilemma in front of me. The pain is anguish, the pain is inexcusable. And yet I will forgive every one that has ever turned their head the other direction. Why? Because it made me cling on stronger to God for that needed hug or whatever I needed.

May we all forgive whomever has ever wronged us. In Your loving name, Amen.



No More Shame

  

5.25.2020

Joy

This belief that I deserved it;

this attitude of just accepting it

is over.


I am worthy of love.

I am worthy of pure

and healthy relationships.


This deep sadness

is over.



5.24.2020

Truth with Siblings

I grew up with two younger sisters whom I tried the best I could to help raise. I would never had chosen to do that but our family was highly dysfunctional.

When we all became teenagers, they could be very cruel to me. They would show up at our house with some friends showing off by teasing me. Twice I got into a physical altercation with one of my sisters. I had no idea I had so much anger stored up inside me.

I had to keep quiet about being raped to keep my family safe. But at what toll did that take on my relationship with my siblings?

Did that mean I would tolerate being told what to do by them for the rest of my life? Not anymore.

Does that mean I can truly be friends with them if they can't see past themselves for an instant? Only time will tell.


5.22.2020

Friendly Tip

There's a distinction on who will carry your burdens. When you are in the light, that is with Jesus, he carries your burdens. As you walk closer with Jesus, he will always carry your burdens.

When you use medicinal marijuana, inevitably the enemy comes into action. He will behave in manners that make your burdens disappear when using. But if the burdens come back, this is the strategy of the enemy. He always wants you to drift farther from the light.

Try to pray in any manner that is comfortable for you. Preserve the "flower power" for His glory alone. You will stay in the light.


5.18.2020

Blind

The best thing I heard recently was, "I love the darkness in you." Truly amazing and freeing for me and anyone who is a survivor of any kind of abuse.

I was raised by a drug addicted mother. But if you asked me before the age of 20, I would never had been able to tell you that. I was blind by her addiction.

My sisters and I were looking around in her room one day and came across some needles. I realize I was not very old, but I had no idea what it was for. I didn't realize it until one day my sister made it clear to me. Now, I can look back and see all the signs; but not while I was living at home.

I truly believe that my mother didn't want to be seen as an addict. And if you understand anything about addiction, it's the pain inside they are trying to cover up anyhow. Since I had been subject to rape at such a young age and could not speak to it, we were like sisters with the same pain.

I could never see the bad in her. I could never see the abuse we had to endure. I could never really truly do anything but love her. I believe this is the curse I struggle with to this day.

Now that I know the darkness in me, I am not comfortable facing the darkness in others. It can scare me or even make me run away from them. But knowing this now will enable me to face this in the light going forward.


5.16.2020

Warning


This is with a heavy heart that I share this post. We need to listen to the one who speaks.

So far we were supposed to listen to those in charge of us, not just elected officials. Those medical experts who are making wise decisions for our benefit as a society. But we have not done that.

Now God is saying he will shake the world one more time but not just the earth also the heavens.  So get ready. For our God is a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29).


5.12.2020

Secrets

Right after my parents got divorced, my mother got a house for us three girls. She was very busy dealing drugs and we did the best we could. She must of known something was bothering me since she bought me a doll with a pocket tummy that closed up with a button. She told me to keep whatever it was inside the doll's tummy. If it stayed there nothing bad could happen.


5.08.2020

Sisters

My first sister was born in Tennessee on "The Farm." This is a place where hippies come to congregate. My parents decided to deliver my sister here so that my mother could have a midwife help her this time.

We lived in an empty bus during the winter. I've heard a number of stories, but the one that sticks with me is one about what my parents did when they couldn't handle me. It was January and they sent me outside in the snow by myself. I was two years old. I don't remember. But it was not surprising when I heard it.

After my sister was born we made our way back to Florida and lived in a house across the street from the beach. This is also where my next sister was born.

My mother delivered this baby with the help of my father.

But things were not all that good. There were times when we just didn't have enough. We didn't have enough food sometimes, not enough supervision sometimes, and not enough love sometimes.


5.06.2020

Alive

This shame is all consuming,
it tears at the very fiber of my belief.

It speaks more terrible things to me
than I would like to admit.

I've known this voice since the age of two.
I thought you would be my ally.

But you are the enemy.


5.05.2020

Firstborn

My biological parents met in the 70's. They were members of rebellious young adults. They would dumpster dive for their food and belongings. They felt they were fighting the establishment.

Once they got married, they started living in the woods with a religious cult. Their idols were the leaders of the group. Women had to wear skirts; very old testament.

One of the stories I heard was from my mother in which she was tripping on some psychedelic drug when she hallucinated seeing a snake. When I was born they named me Kristin Grace and baptized me there in the woods.

When it came to the delivery they sought out a hospital. But my mother's recollection of her delivery of me was not very pleasant. It was like I was taken from her without her cooperation; the doctors had to use forceps to assist. My mother doesn't have many good things to say about me being born.


4.22.2020

High Places

When you have things in your heart
that are bigger than God,
this will cause all kinds of distress.

Release your hold on them,
and embrace the mercy that awaits you.


Baham

4.13.2020

Blessed

I know the trial has been long,
I know you didn't believe you could make it.

But, here you are.
You've uncovered every pain and loss.

You are truly blessed,
I love you dearly.


Barak

4.07.2020

Proper Response

You tap on my shoulder
to look back at all my iniquity.

But this does not define who I am.

I worship at the altar
of the living and breathing God
in heaven, the father of Jesus and me.

So you must go back
to where you come,
to the lake of burning fire.

You are not welcome back.

3.27.2020

Prayer to God

LORD, please give us your mercy. 
Pour your spirit on us all. 
Only you can see us white as snow.

We believe that you cry with us.
We believe you see our pain.
We believe you see our loneliness.

Please take the crimson away.
Please make us whole again.

3.16.2020

Depression

Nowhere


I can believe that I am nobody and that I am nowhere,
however I do know that I am a child of God.

Thus, I must be someone special and
exactly where I am supposed to be.

3.06.2020

No More

I am disappointed in those in my life who don't want the best for me.

It's really challenging when you have Christians in your life who are family who hold the standard with the Old Testament, the Law.  It's unbelievable that they can believe in Jesus and his resurrection but not seek that same transformation in their loved ones.

Do they actually want to see the same curses passed down from generation to generation on their own grandchildren?  I just can't.

In the name of Jesus may all the curses that the enemy is trying to place in our hearts be broken!

3.05.2020

Servant

Swaying in the wind waiting for You

to show me where to go,

what to do.

Please, come and give me direction.

I'm ready to be on a candlestick for You.


2.29.2020

Forgiving Others

I've come to the realization that I had some bitterness left over authorities in my childhood not being aware of the abuse I was enduring.  However, it was vital that my family stuck together.

I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.

I have also come to the realization that it is alright.


I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.

Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.


But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.


All we have to do is forgive them.

2.25.2020

Church Rejection

This is the pain I have in my heart. I told my pastors of the sexual abuse I had to endure as a child and yet I got no compassion back. They have rejected me.

They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.

The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.


If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.

2.22.2020

Unsympathetic

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called,"Life Overtakes Me." It was so cathartic for me as I have been recovering from PTSD in the last couple of years.

It is mainly about families that have fled from their countries of origin because of some violence. In the documentary, the families have relocated to Sweden.

The families are seeking asylum and await status on whether they can stay. Many of the families are told they can't, and almost immediately one of the children goes into a kind of coma. It is called Resignation Syndrome. I am utterly amazed.

Right when the family is going back to their country of origin, one of the family members breaks down. This happened in the concentration camps during World War II. It is happening with refugees in Australia.

This is quite remarkable for me to witness. I never recovered from my trauma for almost 30 years. But to be under so much stress and afraid to face that trauma again, a person can actually break down and essentially die.

Fortunately, Sweden is stepping up and helping all these families. The children do recover. The families do stay in Sweden.

It is just unbelievable what our human bodies do in the face of real trauma.  I pray that I never lose my sense of compassion for any individual who has ever lived through any kind of trauma.

2.20.2020

Sexuality

Be thee careful, be thee cautious.
It will feel like an epiphany from God,
but the devil can talk to you as well.

This desire to be unique is from God,
but watch whom you identify with.

As a child of God you are female or male.
Do not get caught in the undertow.


2.12.2020

Wronged

What do you do when others have overlooked your pain your whole life? 
What do you do when your left with only God who understands?


That's me. I was abused starting at such a young age. I finally got clarity of some life skills I developed early on. For example, to be a people pleaser growing up was a survival instinct for me. I'm so grateful I'm not that way any longer, however I don't have many people in my life now. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel.

The other piece of information that has been helpful to me is that the people who were not there when it was hurting the most don't deserve to be in your life when it gets better. It's non negotiable for me now. It's simple.

I know that I will make new friends and closer friends that will fill the void of extended family. I know God understands the cost to me and my immediate family. I believe it is a set up for something better.

So, please don't lose hope. Just be grateful that you know now what a good friend will not be like.

2.10.2020

Separation

Regarding my gifts as weapons
is not how to make friends.

Trying to add shame to injury
is another form of injustice
God will not tolerate.

2.05.2020

Predators

I've had some experience with stalkers that have left me scared. As you might know I was violated at the early age of nine that leaves a person prone to predators of every kind.

I recently had an individual need me. I don't understand how anyone can just push themselves on you like you belong to them when you know and God knows you belong to someone else. God got me away from the person safely.

But the feelings don't go away so easily. It makes you lose trust in everyone. I trust God and that's it. But I want to be able to trust people. Why would God allow such dark people in our lives?

It is so painful; the shame wants to own you.  LORD, please free all of us victims of violence from the darkness that wants to overtake us. For Your honor and glory, Amen.

Your Will

2.03.2020

Walls

What do you do when you can't let anyone in, even God. I have been hurt by everyone.

I don't know what else to do but surrender. God, have your way. I'm ready.



2.01.2020

Being Seen

I went for a drive with our daughter so that she could take a nap in the car.

I love driving through some of our National Parks in this area of Northeast Ohio. I drove through our loop and stopped on the way back to look at three deer. It was a mother with her two children. They were all fuzzy because it was winter.

First, one of the children looked at me. Then the mother. The second time she looked at me I started crying for no reason at all other than to be seen.

Hope you are seen by someone unexpectedly soon as well. It fills your soul in all the right places.

1.31.2020

When Everyone Wants Something

I am deeply dismayed at the way people decide for you what you are to do.

I get that I've been a good mother to our two children. I've stayed home with them both for the critical years. But I not going to do some job that you want me to do.  I just won't.

I am livid.  I can see it on everyone's faces as to what they expect from me.


But I have a different perspective. God has placed things in my dream sphere that I didn't even consider for myself. I will put all my trust in Him.

1.27.2020

Secrets Project: Panel 3

We are more alike than we understand,
drawing from our own experiences.

The human story is the same.


Loneliness