I want to make a difference in others' lives.
I want my wounds and scars to mean something.
We have all been fooled to believe that the president of the United States was sent by God, but this is a lie.
There are those that feed us all with lies. They relish with delight with us all in chaos; pure confusion.
But I am here to say that God has promised to get rid of him and all his clan. We will see a better tomorrow.
They will pull and tear at you,
they will lead you to dismay.
All the lies that have ever
told you that you are not enough.
That you are too old, too young.
The lies that wake you up at night
taking all the light away.
Do not go there.
You were made for more.
Your story is what made you
more than you will ever know.
I have been diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) from my primary care physician and have now seen a cardiologist. This may sound scary, but I am elated.
From my brief research, when one would have PTSD for a heightened length of time you suffer from a constant fight or flight mode as your normal. When you start coming out of PTSD, you can get POTS.
This may cause some unusual bodily responses such as fainting. But now I just have to have more salt in my diet and drink more water. It has not slowed me down too much otherwise.
As a matter of fact, I feel great.
I can exercise, sleep without medication, and do all the things I never felt I would ever do without medication. I am medication free.
Do you mind if I say it again, so I hear it this time.... I am medication free!!
You too can do it. Don't give up the good fight.
When something terrible like rape happens to you, this spirit can follow you as well.
Depending on your preference, it can embody a male or female and drive you back to the place of the crime.
You have to be aware of this in order to make it stop. You have my permission.
with burdens of our past.
Our mistakes, our wounds,
and our achievements.
They don't define
who we really are.
We are a finely knit sweater
or a breathtaking sunset
that only God took the time
and effort to make.
We are more than all we do.
We are love, laughs, and big hugs.
I am now sleeping without medication which is to say quite honestly may be one of the hardest things I've done for myself. My husband said that I'm brave for doing it.
So, I wake up around 4:30 every morning and am always reminded of the negative things I hear about myself and all the things I need to do the next day. Exhausting... lol.
I am now using an app to help me calm back down to get back to sleep. It works. But in the process of going back to sleep it draws out my fears. I cry for a minute while I acknowledge the pain of what happened and then move forward. It's refreshing as well.
I uncovered an ache in one of my buttocks that has really become painful all the time in the last couple of years. It's on the line of the sciatic nerve which makes all the sense I need.
During the first rape I was so young that a grown man on top of me would have definitely hurt my pelvic and buttock muscles. Only makes sense. But the real damage was the nerve endings in those areas that remember what happened and how it made them feel.
So, now my body is running on fear fuel all the time based on the pain in my bottom. This of course makes my heart race. And this happens while I'm asleep as well. No wonder.
The Final Frontier.
I have had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my father gave me some headphones from his work. When I was younger than that, I would ask my sister to sleep with me.
The real problem is that I was raped twice while sleeping.
So, what does a busy wife and mother of two do? Takes anything on the market to help me sleep through my fears.
The debilitating thing about real phobias are they don't have to make sense. My body and mind remember the events far too well. So, I would use a ton of sleep medicine to get a "good night's rest."
Then, because I was so drugged through the night, I would overcome the drowsiness with some caffeine in the morning. This too would affect the quality of my sleep. But I could take one more melatonin, right?
What a cycle I was on.
Now, I've given up all caffeine and sleep aids and had my first night of sleep "all natural." You have no idea how good this feels.
Now I can see the phobia for what it really is; a lie. Now I can take down that giant without fear.
I've come out of the worst of the repressed memories, although I still can't sleep well.
I have complications with some minor health concerns, but at the root of it I'm just scared of having nightmares. I still wake up screaming at times.
This is a real concern with PTSD; no matter how you shake it. It affects us all. I had someone at a church pray for me asking God to get rid of them. I never even attempted to ask God.
God, can you please help us all stop having nightmares?
You defile the sanctity of the cross,
you use it to wile your power
to those that are perceived at powerless.
You worketh abominations
with every step and action.
The wave of goodness will win
and you will be pushed
to the end of the earth
|No More Shame|
This is with a heavy heart that I share this post. We need to listen to the one who speaks.
So far we were supposed to listen to those in charge of us, not just elected officials. Those medical experts who are making wise decisions for our benefit as a society. But we have not done that.
Now God is saying he will shake the world one more time but not just the earth also the heavens. So get ready. For our God is a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29).
One of the stories I heard was from my mother in which she was tripping on some psychedelic drug when she hallucinated seeing a snake. When I was born they named me Kristin Grace and baptized me there in the woods.
When it came to the delivery they sought out a hospital. But my mother's recollection of her delivery of me was not very pleasant. It was like I was taken from her without her cooperation; the doctors had to use forceps to assist. My mother doesn't have many good things to say about me being born.
It's really challenging when you have Christians in your life who are family who hold the standard with the Old Testament, the Law. It's unbelievable that they can believe in Jesus and his resurrection but not seek that same transformation in their loved ones.
Do they actually want to see the same curses passed down from generation to generation on their own grandchildren? I just can't.
In the name of Jesus may all the curses that the enemy is trying to place in our hearts be broken!
I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.
I have also come to the realization that it is alright.
I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.
Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.
But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.
All we have to do is forgive them.
They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.
The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.
If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.
That's me. I was abused starting at such a young age. I finally got clarity of some life skills I developed early on. For example, to be a people pleaser growing up was a survival instinct for me. I'm so grateful I'm not that way any longer, however I don't have many people in my life now. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel.
The other piece of information that has been helpful to me is that the people who were not there when it was hurting the most don't deserve to be in your life when it gets better. It's non negotiable for me now. It's simple.
I know that I will make new friends and closer friends that will fill the void of extended family. I know God understands the cost to me and my immediate family. I believe it is a set up for something better.
So, please don't lose hope. Just be grateful that you know now what a good friend will not be like.
I recently had an individual need me. I don't understand how anyone can just push themselves on you like you belong to them when you know and God knows you belong to someone else. God got me away from the person safely.
But the feelings don't go away so easily. It makes you lose trust in everyone. I trust God and that's it. But I want to be able to trust people. Why would God allow such dark people in our lives?
It is so painful; the shame wants to own you. LORD, please free all of us victims of violence from the darkness that wants to overtake us. For Your honor and glory, Amen.
I love driving through some of our National Parks in this area of Northeast Ohio. I drove through our loop and stopped on the way back to look at three deer. It was a mother with her two children. They were all fuzzy because it was winter.
First, one of the children looked at me. Then the mother. The second time she looked at me I started crying for no reason at all other than to be seen.
Hope you are seen by someone unexpectedly soon as well. It fills your soul in all the right places.
I get that I've been a good mother to our two children. I've stayed home with them both for the critical years. But I not going to do some job that you want me to do. I just won't.
I am livid. I can see it on everyone's faces as to what they expect from me.
But I have a different perspective. God has placed things in my dream sphere that I didn't even consider for myself. I will put all my trust in Him.