4.07.2020

Proper Response

You tap on my shoulder
to look back at all my iniquity.

But this does not define who I am.

I worship at the altar
of the living and breathing God
in heaven, the father of Jesus and me.

So you must go back
to where you come,
to the lake of burning fire.

You are not welcome back.

3.27.2020

Prayer to God

LORD, please give us your mercy. 
Pour your spirit on us all. 
Only you can see us white as snow.

We believe that you cry with us.
We believe you see our pain.
We believe you see our loneliness.

Please take the crimson away.
Please make us whole again.

3.16.2020

Depression

Nowhere


I can believe that I am nobody and that I am nowhere,
however I do know that I am a child of God.

Thus, I must be someone special and
exactly where I am supposed to be.

3.06.2020

No More

I am disappointed in those in my life who don't want the best for me.

It's really challenging when you have Christians in your life who are family who hold the standard with the Old Testament, the Law.  It's unbelievable that they can believe in Jesus and his resurrection but not seek that same transformation in their loved ones.

Do they actually want to see the same curses passed down from generation to generation on their own grandchildren?  I just can't.

In the name of Jesus may all the curses that the enemy is trying to place in our hearts be broken!

3.05.2020

Servant

Swaying in the wind waiting for You

to show me where to go,

what to do.

Please, come and give me direction.

I'm ready to be on a candlestick for You.



2.29.2020

Forgiving Others

I've come to the realization that I had some bitterness left over authorities in my childhood not being aware of the abuse I was enduring.  However, it was vital that my family stuck together.

I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.

I have also come to the realization that it is alright.


I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.

Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.


But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.


All we have to do is forgive them.

2.25.2020

Church Rejection

This is the pain I have in my heart. I told my pastors of the sexual abuse I had to endure as a child and yet I got no compassion back. They have rejected me.

They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.

The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.


If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.

2.22.2020

Unsympathetic

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called,"Life Overtakes Me." It was so cathartic for me as I have been recovering from PTSD in the last couple of years.

It is mainly about families that have fled from their countries of origin because of some violence. In the documentary, the families have relocated to Sweden.

The families are seeking asylum and await status on whether they can stay. Many of the families are told they can't, and almost immediately one of the children goes into a kind of coma. It is called Resignation Syndrome. I am utterly amazed.

Right when the family is going back to their country of origin, one of the family members breaks down. This happened in the concentration camps during World War II. It is happening with refugees in Australia.

This is quite remarkable for me to witness. I never recovered from my trauma for almost 30 years. But to be under so much stress and afraid to face that trauma again, a person can actually break down and essentially die.

Fortunately, Sweden is stepping up and helping all these families. The children do recover. The families do stay in Sweden.

It is just unbelievable what our human bodies do in the face of real trauma.  I pray that I never lose my sense of compassion for any individual who has ever lived through any kind of trauma.

2.20.2020

Sexuality

Be thee careful, be thee cautious.
It will feel like an epiphany from God,
but the devil can talk to you as well.

This desire to be unique is from God,
but watch whom you identify with.

As a child of God you are female or male.
Do not get caught in the undertow.



2.12.2020

Wronged

What do you do when others have overlooked your pain your whole life? 
What do you do when your left with only God who understands?


That's me. I was abused starting at such a young age. I finally got clarity of some life skills I developed early on. For example, to be a people pleaser growing up was a survival instinct for me. I'm so grateful I'm not that way any longer, however I don't have many people in my life now. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel.

The other piece of information that has been helpful to me is that the people who were not there when it was hurting the most don't deserve to be in your life when it gets better. It's non negotiable for me now. It's simple.

I know that I will make new friends and closer friends that will fill the void of extended family. I know God understands the cost to me and my immediate family. I believe it is a set up for something better.

So, please don't lose hope. Just be grateful that you know now what a good friend will not be like.

2.10.2020

Separation

Regarding my gifts as weapons
is not how to make friends.

Trying to add shame to injury
is another form of injustice
God will not tolerate.

2.05.2020

Predators

I've had some experience with stalkers that have left me scared. As you might know I was violated at the early age of nine that leaves a person prone to predators of every kind.

I recently had an individual need me. I don't understand how anyone can just push themselves on you like you belong to them when you know and God knows you belong to someone else. God got me away from the person safely.

But the feelings don't go away so easily. It makes you lose trust in everyone. I trust God and that's it. But I want to be able to trust people. Why would God allow such dark people in our lives?

It is so painful; the shame wants to own you.  LORD, please free all of us victims of violence from the darkness that wants to overtake us. For Your honor and glory, Amen.

Your Will

2.03.2020

Walls

What do you do when you can't let anyone in, even God. I have been hurt by everyone.

I don't know what else to do but surrender. God, have your way. I'm ready.



2.01.2020

Being Seen

I went for a drive with our daughter so that she could take a nap in the car.

I love driving through some of our National Parks in this area of Northeast Ohio. I drove through our loop and stopped on the way back to look at three deer. It was a mother with her two children. They were all fuzzy because it was winter.

First, one of the children looked at me. Then the mother. The second time she looked at me I started crying for no reason at all other than to be seen.

Hope you are seen by someone unexpectedly soon as well. It fills your soul in all the right places.

1.31.2020

When Everyone Wants Something

I am deeply dismayed at the way people decide for you what you are to do.

I get that I've been a good mother to our two children. I've stayed home with them both for the critical years. But I not going to do some job that you want me to do.  I just won't.

I am livid.  I can see it on everyone's faces as to what they expect from me.


But I have a different perspective. God has placed things in my dream sphere that I didn't even consider for myself. I will put all my trust in Him.

1.27.2020

Secrets Project: Panel 3

We are more alike than we understand,
drawing from our own experiences.

The human story is the same.


Loneliness

1.22.2020

Beach Moment

I went to visit my two sisters and mother for a girls weekend.  It was so fun.

But I had one moment worth sharing. I had to face my biggest fear, my rapist. I walked down to the beach and yelled out as much as I needed to be free from his grip over me, any part of me.

The weirdest part was there was actually a man right there in front of me cowering down like he was guilty of something. Quite remarkable.

I am free now.


Medium: pastel on paper

1.15.2020

Goodness

One of the best pieces of information I got recently was that everything can be spiritual.

What does this mean? Well those of us that believe that Jesus is Lord it means the Holy Spirit is allowed to shape you. It directs your decisions, it guides us on this ever winding road to heaven.

So I am giving you permission in case you need it to allow the Holy Spirit to show you more of what God sees. Even when circumstances are challenging, something good is being worked out.

Look for the glimmers. Look for the silver lining. Look for how God is using it for YOUR good.  I will be praying for you.

1.14.2020

Going to Church

I am the spiritual daughter of my parents-in-law, or at least they believe so.  It's definitely complicated. They have a ministry that is ending but are hoping that I will somehow take it over or at least be apart of the team that will rebuild it.

I just can't.

I've been on my own with God for a while now, and just God. It's even hard to start walking out with people of faith again because I was abandoned and hurt by that church. I've come to rely on God and well my immediate family. My husband and two kids are wonderful. This has become my church.

Why? I can't explain it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for years but just in the last year had to walk through the knowledge of being raped at the age of nine.  The memory was repressed for 36 years!

So, I've had to deal with it in isolation. Not exactly. If you've been a reader on this blog, you know I pour out my heart here. This has become a therapeutic source for me.

I just can't get over the fact that my parents-in-law never called me to see if I was alright. They just wait for me to get better so that I can run things for them.  I just can't do anyone else's job for them.

I want to be my own independent person serving God. I don't want to be under anyone's umbrella. I want to see people with the same pain I've had to go through and say a word of hope for them. 

I want to be that person that I didn't get a chance to see when I could have used anyone. Absolutely anyone to see me and my struggle and my pain.

I've felt abandoned for so long; I'm not sure who to trust. I'm actually scared of getting hurt again by any individual.  

I have no more walls; I'm completely vulnerable. And yet I've never felt more free.

1.11.2020

My Priest and my Rapist

When I was a child I had a family friend. He was an adult and a father with his own two daughters. But I was his disciple. He was going to use me to further the cause of God.

He eventually persuaded me to lie down with him like Lot did with his two daughters in Genesis, but I couldn't do the things he asked of me. He eventually raped me.

But before that he had me confess to all the "wrongs" I did. I had to tell him if any boys caught me attention, I had to tell him if I ever found myself getting wet. He used this version of God to break my psyche completely.

So now I would have to get his attention a different way. I can't explain it. It's too much. I don't think I fully understand it.

I was nine years old.

1.10.2020

Freaking Out

I am not a millennial because I am twenty years older than that generation. However, I believe in triggers like there is no tomorrow.

My biggest trigger is my father-in-law whom I honestly love. But he reminds me so much of my childhood rapist it is scaring the f*ck out of me.

I am seeing him more lately because I thought I was over it. But once I remembered out nervous I was when I saw him earlier today, I had to cry hard. It is beyond overwhelming.

This may be the hardest thing I've ever confronted in my life so far. This is my biggest fear.

Please pray for me to your god, because I need it.

1.08.2020

Enemies

Look I get it... when someone does something mean to you, you want to do the same back. Right?

I know it's so challenging. Believe me I fully understand. But, we are supposed to turn the other cheek. Meaning let them slap the other side of your face if they want. Harsh, right?

Look, you have the biggest possible fighter in your court... God. I mean it. He see everything. He sees the secrets of our enemies. He knows exactly what their true intention is.

So, we are called to be nice no matter what? No, but you can look the other way from the person who means you harm. Do not spend your emotional and otherwise energy on them. They will suck you dry of all the light you are preciously carrying for others to see.

If they want to be on the side of the enemy, in the dark... let them be. Pray for them because you love them but let them go. God will fight the fight for you.

Do NOT bear the shame of their wrong doing. They are not worth your being imprisoned any longer.

You are free!! It's time to hold your head up high and be who you are meant to be!

1.06.2020

Iniquity

When I had a mental breakdown a few years ago, I fully believed I was a lesbian. I believed this lie from the enemy for a year of my life. It took a serious toll on my marriage; I thank God every day my husband didn't believe the lie as well.

But what can I share with you from this? That it is absolutely alright to be bullied by the enemy. This happens to everyone. But why?

I have had a love hate relationship with my mother as far as I can remember. Did she give me everything I needed growing up? Absolutely not! So there is the why.

See where your iniquity can be traced to your past and see if you can identify the loss or missing space in your heart that God can only fix.

Please know you are not the only one. There are many of us who whole heartily follow God who understand how the enemy can attack you in the most believing way.  Don't put weight on this lie... please, don't.

(With tears) Please God, help all those cast in the darkness walk into your light with Your infinite grace and mercy.

1.05.2020

Trance

I'm left with this in my mind from my bible study before going to sleep.  I do have some spectacular dreams again. Sorry, if I sound like I'm bragging. I am so humbly grateful to have such awesome dreams, really.

I am a female bad ass in Beijing one evening. I am consoling a lesbian friend last night.  Strange, but powerful. I really feel as though I am helping others in their own dreams. I am guiding others in theirs to go toward the light and away from the darkness.

But the last one I had was one in which I am in a trance. I am watching a group of young women singing and a young man helps me from behind while I fall into a trance. The adult in me would compare it to be drugged. I can barely walk. I am my nine-year old self though. The same age in which I am raped.

I am healed from the young man who is with me. I am shaking and crying and feel all the weight gone. I am giddy and moving into other rooms when finally the young man flies away with me.

I would love to think it could have been Jesus, right?  But, my son said he had the same dream in which he was himself, the young man. Crazy! I love it!

1.03.2020

Don't Settle

When you finally get to a place where you only want positive people in your life, you have to let go of the baggage.  We were groomed to be people pleasers; but when we let go of that need, we can be free to have real loving people in our lives. 

When you finally start attracting people who are willing to see all of you, accept you, and still be kind to you, you know you've made it to the other side.  And I mean they are sincere.

This is my prayer for you, to have the discernment to find people who are kind and compassionate because that is who they truly are. It does not matter how much money they have, the color of their skin, or anything we can see with our worldly eyes. They don't even have to have endured the pain and suffering we have.

They just are children of God as well and identify themselves as so even if secretly.

1.02.2020

PTSD Truth

Never let anyone tell you how long it should or will take to heal.

PTSD is a very complex problem and cannot and will not be fixed overnight. Embrace the process. Embrace the ups and downs; use this energy to heal yourself. When I feel up, aka anxious, I like to use it with my art or exercise. Sometimes I need to talk it out with a loved one.

When I feel down, I cry and I mean I cry.  I let it out. I don't even need to know why anymore. I just reach far down where the pain is at and release it.  It feels so empowering when you can express the pain in moans and groans.  It's more powerful than you can believe.  God hears you!