7.30.2019

For the Ladies in the House (Part 2)

Right after I turned nineteen, I joined the United States Air Force. The number big reason was to get away from my dysfunctional family.

I got accepted in a nine month technical school. Right before I graduated, I went to a party with all my classmates. I got black out drunk and got date raped by two of my male classmates.

Not where you thought this was going? Well, too bad. Sorry, I'm just a little pissed off today. I never had the luxury of knowing it was that at the time. Apparently, there was nothing wrong with two men taking advantage of a woman without her consent. Why?

I want to know why.

And in case you missed the first, "For the Ladies in the House"....  here is the link, https://www.refugeformisfits.com/2019/03/for-ladies-in-house.html.

No More Doubt

Freedom

7.29.2019

Bird

I want you to know that I feel your pain.

I feel the cage your in.

I feel your need to be understood.

I feel your need to be free.

7.26.2019

Mine

When I admitted to having my feelings were hurt.... something shifted inside of me.

I am now allowed to have my own feelings. They are not dependent on others.

They belong to me.

Gay Boyfriend

When I was in high school, I had two boy friends. The second ended up being gay.

I took his virginity, but only after trying to convince him to do it. Right? Exactly the opposite you would normally expect. But once I found out his was gay, it made sense.

How does that make me feel? I'm not exactly sure. Initially, I thought I must of come up short. I must have not fulfilled all his expectations.

But now I understand that many homosexual men didn't have a strong male father figure growing up. And when I mean strong, it's the quality time. So even if they had a father growing up, they may not have had enough of a relationship. Something came up short for them.

That is why I found myself attracted to women. My mother just didn't give me the unconditional love I so needed growing up. But many of us no matter our sexual identity have had disappointing parents.

7.22.2019

Big Little Lie

I have something personal to share. If you know me at all, I'll share just about anything about myself. But this one thing has been the box in the corner of the room for a long time now that I haven't wanted to open. I honestly would just keep it closed up forever.

But God knows I'm not the only one... so here it goes.

For about a year of my life I was one hundred percent convinced I was gay. I was in my marriage with one child and had a complete breakdown. I got diagnosed bipolar. I was on medication zonked out of my mind for one year.

I willingly took the medication as a way to stabilize my moods but also to punish myself for putting my marriage in jeopardy. My husband didn't believe it, but I did.

I know I'm not gay now. I've been on a long journey of healing from PTSD which uncovered repressed memories including being raped at the age of nine.

It's complicated and I get that.

7.18.2019

Painful Sting

I found out we have a wasp nest in one of our bushes. How did I find this out. The hard way....


I was minding my own business trimming the bushes with a hedge trimmer and sure enough... yikes, I feel this immense stinging pain in my arm and sure enough it's a bee on my arm. At least that's my first thought. I look down and it's stinging me... I scream a bit and get it off me. I grab my stuff and run indoors smacking my arm because it hurts so bad.

There is no stinger... so, it's not a bee. And the smacking is to stop the venom from stretching further. Wow, what we find ourselves doing in the heat of the moment. When nothing else is there but our sheer will to survive.

It is all nature at that point. There is no other option. Just your need to survive.

What did you have to endure that you simply had to survive through?

If it truly was survival, there can be no shame with it. Let me be as brutally honest as I can. Whomever did whatever awful thing to you is the wrong doer. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

It is not your fault. Take a deep breath and release the pain.

7.15.2019

Moral Judgement


My promiscuity was my way

to prove that I could be loved.

Free Born

You say you had to work for your freedom.
You say that your therapist gets the credit.

The truth is we all are born free.
So release the labels you hold on to so tightly
and pull a chair up to the big kids table.

Now's the time to think like an adult and 

believe.

7.13.2019

The Scars We Show

Scars

I find myself grieving. I can't explain it.
Something is changing for the good.

7.11.2019

Damage

Not Our Children
Inner Demon

Medium: paint, pastel, and oil pastel

7.03.2019

Another Secret

Obviously, it won't be a secret since I'm sharing it here...lol.

Anyway, I was bullied at church as a little girl and I use marijuana as my medicine of choice for my PTSD. Does this sound contradictory since I'm such a strong Christian. Probably to most.

But you won't believe who talked me into letting go of the shame of using it for self medication at the time. My pastor. Right.

So that's it. I take one hit about once a month for a while now; right now I'm at six weeks. So slowly but surely I'm weening myself off of it.

Let's face it, when you get diagnosed with PTSD it takes a long time to get through it.

Please send me a message if you would like to discuss this topic further. I will however continue sharing my knowledge and experience from hence forth; I solemnly promise...lol.

Uncovering Shame

Who is responsible for the constant feeding of shame in your life?

I realize that circumstances keep occurring in which I go and hide in my cave. I go in and feel like I'm safe and then sure enough I get kicked right where it hurts.

A big boulder rolls over the entrance to my cave and I'm stuck inside for some time trying to decode my way out.

This is the road of shame.

It always comes back at us.

It always wants us in our cave where it can dictate our feelings and emotions.

It always tells us our negative playback recordings we've heard our whole lives.

We aren't good enough. We can't do it. We can't.


Where does your shame originate? Were you bullied like me on the playground in elementary school? Did a parent tear you down with words? Where else can you see the root of the problem?

May you get the light spread through your cave to find all the bullies in your life. May you find the strength to uncover the root, see it for what it really is, and clean your waste basket for good.

7.01.2019

New Found Freedom

Freedom comes from saying no to the guilt.
It comes from not listening to the negative voices.
It comes from releasing the pain.