4.23.2019

Babylon


Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint

4.22.2019

Withal

Pressing forward for your relief,
ever wandering with your spirit.

Please send me your guidance and wisdom,
I cannot do this alone.

4.20.2019

Banished

So, I got this incredibly big cold sore on my face a couple of weeks ago, and it is finally almost gone. But, yet I got a contemptuous look from someone. I really didn't have it in me to say, "What the f*ck!" But that is what she deserved.

I know it is not me. I know the pain is in her heart. But I got my feelings hurt, and I hate that my feelings got hurt.

4.19.2019

Scars

These scars will not heal,
they fester and burn with pain.

Your mistakes are immeasurable,
yet I am awakened to forgive.

You want to linger in the cracks of my brain.
You want to rob me of any joy and peace.

You must face the God who knows
everything you did.

4.17.2019

Look Up

Resounding hope is all we have to hold on to.


4.16.2019

Inner Beauty


Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint

4.11.2019

Condemnation

I'm scared of disappointing you, God.
I feel like I don't have what it takes.
I know you show your strength through our weakness,
but I am really scared.

Where does this fear come from?
Why is it always casting a shadow on me?

I ask that you deliver me from this impending doom I seem to always be feeling.

4.10.2019

Deliverance


Material: pastel, oil pastel, and watercolor paint

4.07.2019

Turning Glory into Shame

Regret is fathomless,
always beseeching us to shame.

Brush it off and stand your ground,
this too will pass.

4.05.2019

Bondage


Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint

4.02.2019

Anger

I am guilty of doing the exact same thing my parents are guilty of. I have an anger issue, and I direct it at the ones I love so dearly. I have struggled with trying to identify the feeling that rises inside of me ahead of an outburst, but it has been very difficult. Usually, I have some kind of outburst and then excuse myself from the scene. I read something in the bible to adjust my perspective and then move on.

But the root of my anger issue arises from my parents’ using this strategy as well. I do not want to pass this trait on to my own children. I do not want them to believe that is alright to tear each other down even when your feelings make it seem justified. Children are never the cause of our unrest inside of us.

I want to try to use this to help you, but am so overcome with guilt right now. Finding the right words of wisdom and reassurance is just not where I’m at yet. I am overwhelmed honestly. I feel like a flood of water has overtaken me and I am bobbing on top grasping for help. I hope you can understand this feeling so that I don’t feel alone.

I need to feel that I am not the only one that feels so guilty about all the bad decisions I’ve made and still make. I need to feel that it is alright to be imperfect and just to be aware of my shortcomings is all that is required. I cannot fix myself. I cannot undo all my mistakes. All I can do is try to love all those around me the best I can. This is my biggest desire.

My parents in their anger would call me ugly. I don’t even understand why they would both want to hurt me so bad. The ugliness this created later in my life is so big. I never felt good enough and never pretty enough. When I was a teenager, my mother always told everyone how pretty I was in front of me. Was she trying to make up for her mistakes when I was younger? I don’t have the answers, but struggle with this so much as a parent myself.

I know I have to let it go, but it feels so ugly. I really hate my parents right now and want justice so bad. Is this wrong of me to feel this way? I hope not. I just don’t get it. And now seeing that I do some of the same behavior is making me feel ugly. Here we go.

I am not to feel guilty for what my parents did to me. I am not to feel shame for their mistakes any longer. I am not going to perpetuate the same ugliness they put on me on to others. I will take a stand for love and goodness.

I don’t plan on being perfect. But in my heart and in my soul, I do not want to be angry anymore. I do not want this cycle to continue. I will stop it here for my future generations. I have a future brighter than I can realize and I plan on seeing it.

Chains


Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint