So, I got this incredibly big cold sore on my face a couple of weeks ago, and it is finally almost gone. But, yet I got a contemptuous look from someone. I really didn't have it in me to say, "What the f*ck!" But that is what she deserved.
I know it is not me. I know the pain is in her heart. But I got my feelings hurt, and I hate that my feelings got hurt.
I am guilty of doing the exact same thing my parents are
guilty of. I have an anger issue, and I direct it at the ones I love so dearly.
I have struggled with trying to identify the feeling that rises inside of me
ahead of an outburst, but it has been very difficult. Usually, I have some kind
of outburst and then excuse myself from the scene. I read something in the
bible to adjust my perspective and then move on.
But the root of my anger issue arises from my parents’ using
this strategy as well. I do not want to pass this trait on to my own children.
I do not want them to believe that is alright to tear each other down even when
your feelings make it seem justified. Children are never the cause of our
unrest inside of us.
I want to try to use this to help you, but am so overcome
with guilt right now. Finding the right words of wisdom and reassurance is just
not where I’m at yet. I am overwhelmed honestly. I feel like a flood of water
has overtaken me and I am bobbing on top grasping for help. I hope you can
understand this feeling so that I don’t feel alone.
I need to feel that I am not the only one that feels so
guilty about all the bad decisions I’ve made and still make. I need to feel
that it is alright to be imperfect and just to be aware of my shortcomings is
all that is required. I cannot fix myself. I cannot undo all my mistakes. All I
can do is try to love all those around me the best I can. This is my biggest
My parents in their anger would call me ugly. I don’t even
understand why they would both want to hurt me so bad. The ugliness this
created later in my life is so big. I never felt good enough and never pretty
enough. When I was a teenager, my mother always told everyone how pretty I was
in front of me. Was she trying to make up for her mistakes when I was younger?
I don’t have the answers, but struggle with this so much as a parent myself.
I know I have to let it go, but it feels so ugly. I really
hate my parents right now and want justice so bad. Is this wrong of me to feel
this way? I hope not. I just don’t get it. And now seeing that I do some of the
same behavior is making me feel ugly. Here we go.
I am not to feel guilty for what my parents did to me. I am
not to feel shame for their mistakes any longer. I am not going to perpetuate
the same ugliness they put on me on to others. I will take a stand for love and
I don’t plan on being perfect. But in my heart and in my
soul, I do not want to be angry anymore. I do not want this cycle to continue.
I will stop it here for my future generations. I have a future brighter than I
can realize and I plan on seeing it.