I come from a people that seek the destruction of their own. They prey on the weak and take pride in being stronger. They do not seek God for guidance and they do not have compassion.
These are my forefathers if you will. They do not seek the betterment of each other. It pains me to see how they treat each other. I personally don't even participate in anything they have to offer. Fortunately I live far away from them.
But what if you don't live far away. What if life has thrown you such huge obstacles that your family is all you have for help; the very family that is full of chaos. I feel your pain. I understand this crisis.
I pray that we all will have the confidence to speak and move from a loving place when we need to establish healthy boundaries. This is the most difficult thing I think. As a child no one allowed us to have boundaries and now as adults it's the very thing we need more than anything, so much so we sometimes overreact.
Let's all make a pact for this next year. We will establish healthy boundaries for our own well being. Don't allow anyone to approach you with guilt; I detest it so much that if it's included, it's an absolute no in my book.
We will not be belittled like we are children. We are adults and have the authority to stand up for ourselves.
You can do it!
For the sad, lonely, and underappreciated. We are a community of misfits that need each other for encouragement.
12.31.2018
12.30.2018
Fly Free
Now is the time for you to be free,
spread your wings and soar.
Do not look down or back,
you will always remember.
For now is the time to redefine
who you were meant to be.
12.28.2018
Tenacity
I am insulted by the audacity
that my past defines who I am.
I am a child of God.
Nothing you say or do can offend me now
since you can't disqualify me.
12.24.2018
Midnight Pass
I was groomed by a married couple for years.
I spent lots of time at their house,
they treated me like a friend.
I had no idea where it was headed.
Now I can look back at the events that led
to the repressed memory that no longer is.
I was brought with the men to watch
a pig get shot, just me.
I witnessed it then get butchered in
our back yard days before the event.
Then when I was comfortable and then scared,
they used an opportunity to rape me.
They would call it something else.
I spent lots of time at their house,
they treated me like a friend.
I had no idea where it was headed.
Now I can look back at the events that led
to the repressed memory that no longer is.
I was brought with the men to watch
a pig get shot, just me.
I witnessed it then get butchered in
our back yard days before the event.
Then when I was comfortable and then scared,
they used an opportunity to rape me.
They would call it something else.
12.23.2018
What do you do when you are ignored?
Scoffed at?
You walk around vulnerable,
and yet no one responds with love.
Do you write them off?
Do you feel the shame that's not yours?
Do you respond with the pain inside?
They really don't know what they are doing
by responding with the wind.
They too have their own enemies.
Your vulnerability and honesty
is not what they are comfortable with.
They would rather talk to anyone else.
Just pray that their hearts will be softened,
that they too will understand that
compassion is the key to success.
You walk around vulnerable,
and yet no one responds with love.
Do you write them off?
Do you feel the shame that's not yours?
Do you respond with the pain inside?
They really don't know what they are doing
by responding with the wind.
They too have their own enemies.
Your vulnerability and honesty
is not what they are comfortable with.
They would rather talk to anyone else.
Just pray that their hearts will be softened,
that they too will understand that
compassion is the key to success.
12.20.2018
No Remorse
I feel compelled to dispel any myths that I don't love my twisted mother. She may have inflicted a lot of harm on me, but she did show me a lot of love. Hard to believe, right? But this was why she had a way to cast her spell on me. She could be so incredibly charming and yet manipulative.
One of the first things I ever wrote that received any applause was in high school. I wrote a short story based on my mother. Let me see if I can do it some justice again.
My mother was in high school as well. She was climbing a big tree and fell down onto her back. She was alone and woke up to find her back hurt so badly she could not walk. So she crawled for quite a while to where she could find help at home. Her parents brought her to the hospital where the staff had to conduct a test to see if she had meningitis.
This test involved a very large needle to pull out some spinal fluid. Could you imagine? It was intensely painful for my mother. Then when she was diagnosed, the hospital staff quarantined her in order to get better. But there was no guarantee.
So my grandmother, an alcoholic and an absent parent, signed a form to allow her into the room to be with her own daughter. My grandmother massaged my mother's back for days and never gave up hope. She saved her life.
In this season of disappointments, let's remember what's really important; the family and love we do have.
One of the first things I ever wrote that received any applause was in high school. I wrote a short story based on my mother. Let me see if I can do it some justice again.
My mother was in high school as well. She was climbing a big tree and fell down onto her back. She was alone and woke up to find her back hurt so badly she could not walk. So she crawled for quite a while to where she could find help at home. Her parents brought her to the hospital where the staff had to conduct a test to see if she had meningitis.
This test involved a very large needle to pull out some spinal fluid. Could you imagine? It was intensely painful for my mother. Then when she was diagnosed, the hospital staff quarantined her in order to get better. But there was no guarantee.
So my grandmother, an alcoholic and an absent parent, signed a form to allow her into the room to be with her own daughter. My grandmother massaged my mother's back for days and never gave up hope. She saved her life.
In this season of disappointments, let's remember what's really important; the family and love we do have.
Obedient Daughter
Remember how you whipped me so hard?
I had welts for weeks.
Remember how you gave me my first joint?
Good riddance to your down trodden ways.
12.19.2018
12.15.2018
Aghast
Wounded by your choices.
Never looking to the good but always evil.
I can no longer tolerate your insolence.
12.11.2018
Afraid of the Worst
We live in a world with so many things seemingly bad.
But who has decided they are bad?
We judge each other without knowing any details.
We believe that everyone has something wrong with them.
But I have decided to fight against this current.
I will make a choice every time I speak to someone to seek the good in them.
I am making a choice to see the good in our humanity,
our willingness to help those that are helpless,
and our willingness to come together for the better good.
It only starts with one person, you.
But who has decided they are bad?
We judge each other without knowing any details.
We believe that everyone has something wrong with them.
But I have decided to fight against this current.
I will make a choice every time I speak to someone to seek the good in them.
I am making a choice to see the good in our humanity,
our willingness to help those that are helpless,
and our willingness to come together for the better good.
It only starts with one person, you.
12.08.2018
12.06.2018
12.04.2018
12.03.2018
Pleading
Please take this away from me -
far, far, far away.
I am done being used by the enemy
to further his purpose.
May your will be done, Lord.
11.30.2018
False Witnesses
You don't see how the Lord numbers your steps;
how he sees you taking his name in vain.
The dominoes will all crumble and fall.
11.29.2018
11.19.2018
11.18.2018
Reckless
Seek your refuge where you can,
Even the crows have a family.
Earnest to climb a wall.
Mischief is absolute.
Grievous Injury
You look with disdain at me,
You look like horror.
Be still and listen,
I love you always.
Your reproach is understandable,
I do not stand in the way.
Believe me when I say
good-bye for today.
11.16.2018
Anxious Child
Separation anxiety and school anxiety
have absolute nothing to do with
behavior, defiance, or poor parenting.
Nothing at all.
11.14.2018
Won't Despair
Knowing that I am sick is despairing.
Knowing that I have a big fight ahead of me is intimidating.
I'm afraid that I won't have enough.
I'm afraid.
11.09.2018
Inner Demands
I have always loved books. My first major memory was of a
book called, “Are You My Mother?” It was read to my class at the
public library in Sarasota, Florida. It spoke to my pain like nothing else; I
cried. The teachers didn’t know what to do with me. They all spoke about me
while I sat nearby. Could you imagine? Why not have a conversation with me?
I remember my first major book that I read from front to back in a weekend. It was “Chariots of Fire.” I couldn’t put it down. I was mesmerized
by the parallels to my own life, and yet it saddened me so entirely. Why was no
one committed to me and my dreams?
My favorite author is Charles Dickens. I may not have read
everything by him, but appreciate his character development. Dickens uses the
dirt of the people as the heroes of his stories; you get a sense that they are
the real heroes of our society as well.
I thought I wanted to be a dancer for as long as I could
remember. But if I really place the origination of that dream, I can see that
was my mother’s.
I always wanted her to be proud of me. But now that I know
that she was one of the major sources of my abuse growing up, I can free myself
of that expectation.
11.08.2018
Altered
I have been scorned with words of hate.
I have been torn to pieces with your eyes.
Beseech my beckoning call.
Your avarice respite is inadequate.
11.07.2018
Darkness
"Maybe you can stare too long at something
drain out the virtue,
suck out the living juice."
"The Other Side of the Wind" by Orson Welles
11.04.2018
Bewailing
You dig your heals in eager to please.
Remember the Lord?
Where does He fit in your fretting?
11.03.2018
Lonesome
The shadow of wantonness will not cleave,
it haunts me day and night.
What do you want from me with your shamefulness?
You can no longer keep me captive.
11.01.2018
Tenacious
I look to see what has become of you,
only to be awakened with the knowledge
that you too have suffered much.
I am burdened to feel your grief;
do not despair, I understand.
Stand firm in the light.
10.29.2018
10.27.2018
Coming Up Empty
I am bereaved by the notion
that you were there for me.
I am wise to the way
that you feed your ego.
10.26.2018
Call to Action
Weeding out the tendrils that exist in your mind is tiresome.
Capturing the scope of your belligerence is nonexistent.
You moan and groan but get nowhere.
10.24.2018
Reasonable Service
When held to the fire,
I always wither.
I need you more then ever
when I become despondent.
Please lift me into the inner realm
of your mercy.
10.23.2018
Horror
I can't move....
I am engulfed in pain and grief.
Why didn't anyone notice and try to help?
Why didn't you see that I needed help?
It was too much for me then and now.
I cannot fathom the responsibility you should have done.
Do my tears mean nothing?
I am engulfed in pain and grief.
Why didn't anyone notice and try to help?
Why didn't you see that I needed help?
It was too much for me then and now.
I cannot fathom the responsibility you should have done.
Do my tears mean nothing?
10.22.2018
Not a Beggar
I will not resort to the weak and beggarly ways any longer.
Do not tempt me with your cunning language,
It ignites an anger that is stronger than indignation.
10.21.2018
Headstrong
Constantly in motion in pursuit
ever wandering for satisfaction.
Diligent to find a gem in the rough
never pressed to look inward.
10.19.2018
Brother in Arms
You carry the burdens of those before you,
you carry a diagnosis that is not yours.
The savageness of your grief is too belittling,
it is overshadowed with shame.
Time to rise up and become anew,
brush off the debris of mistakes and awaken.
10.18.2018
More Determined
You believe I am undeserving,
you believe I am broken.
But, I will walk into the blessings.
I choose God's strength in my own weakness.
10.17.2018
No Water
Reasons unbeknownst to us cause us to waver.
We believe our God is disapproving of us,
we believe we messed up again.
We draw inside for strength and resilience only to be dry.
10.16.2018
Mean Voices
These disparaging voices in my head are too loud!
They bully me into believing that I have no worth,
they make me believe that I am unsavable.
10.12.2018
Not Broken
"We are not what we have lost,
we are not what has been taken from us.
We must cherish what remains.
We are not broken,
we are each as whole
as we will ever be again."
From: "Call the Midwife", S7:E8
10.10.2018
10.09.2018
Possessed
You wrestle with it night and day,
always unaware of the internal battle.
You believe it to be the circumstances,
you believe everyone is against you.
But there is a better way.....
let go.
10.08.2018
10.06.2018
10.05.2018
Distraught
This pain is too much.
When I look inside and tap into it,
I cannot stop crying.
I'm in pieces.
10.01.2018
Molestation
I always knew something had happened to me. I even tried
bringing it up with my mother several times, but she never told me anything. I
think she must have thought how convenient that I forgot everything.
I was raped by some friends of my parents whom they gave
their consent. This must sound unfathomable, but when you realize my parents
are addicts the unfathomable becomes more possible.
I was left alone the next day, but fortunately near water so
I could wash my dirtiness off. That’s what I’ve been left to believe for myself
since no one spoke about it. I was left to believe that it must have been my
doing that brought it on. I must have done something wrong.
9.30.2018
Tyranny, starvation.
Whitewashed with shame and fear,
relentless in your pursuit of power.
When does the wilderness end?
relentless in your pursuit of power.
When does the wilderness end?
9.29.2018
Unrequited Love
I do not claim to have it all figured out, but why would a so called "loving" parent cause harm to you? Does this make me broken or even stupid for loving them? I definitely can claim I knew nothing different.
It's just their love is blemished and broken. You cannot truly love someone and hurt them as well, right? I don't understand it.
I reject this kind of love, tainted and poisonous. There is no room in my heart now for your version of love.
It's just their love is blemished and broken. You cannot truly love someone and hurt them as well, right? I don't understand it.
I reject this kind of love, tainted and poisonous. There is no room in my heart now for your version of love.
9.28.2018
9.27.2018
Stronger
This disease of always manipulating others is over.
I will no longer succumb to the current, I will fight.
I choose a better way.
Sour Friendships
This demon will not let me go, I wrestle with it night and day. You have reminded me when it started.
I was about ten years old at a new school. I wanted so badly to have a friend that I was willing to with the girl who was mean to me. She was nice to me when it was just the two of us, but bullied me when around her other friends. I continued to stay her "friend" for the remainder of that school year.
I can look back and see that I was some kind of project for her. She taught me things like manners and how to make an omelet.
I'm not sure why it hurts still, but this is not the kind of friendship that is acceptable now. No one is allowed to make us feel little. No one is allowed to diminish our value. No one is allowed to be a so called friend and take opportunities to make us feel smaller than them.
I was about ten years old at a new school. I wanted so badly to have a friend that I was willing to with the girl who was mean to me. She was nice to me when it was just the two of us, but bullied me when around her other friends. I continued to stay her "friend" for the remainder of that school year.
I can look back and see that I was some kind of project for her. She taught me things like manners and how to make an omelet.
I'm not sure why it hurts still, but this is not the kind of friendship that is acceptable now. No one is allowed to make us feel little. No one is allowed to diminish our value. No one is allowed to be a so called friend and take opportunities to make us feel smaller than them.
9.25.2018
Disturbance
No pain or sorrow goes unnoticed.
I would sound the trumpet myself,
but you do it in my stead.
Thank-you, God, for fighting for us.
9.24.2018
9.21.2018
Blind Spot
You don't remember, but I do. He lived in a house with a room full of white sheets. They hung like the walls that could not keep him from touching you. I have such a deep amount of pain because I could not keep him from you. In that moment I gave up all hope.
9.20.2018
Sick Seed
I am done with your sickness being a part of me.
You did unfathomable things to me and proceeded to continue with my sister.
Your seed of shame is taking it's toll on my sanity.
I am finding it even difficult to look at people in the eye because of my shame; the shame you placed on me.
I am done with it! You don't own me!
Why are you still part of me?
Why are you still part of me?
9.19.2018
Revenge
I am troubled with the overwhelming need to have revenge. The man who was supposed to keep me safe did the very opposite. It is a sting that cannot be quenched.
9.18.2018
Earnestness
Don't hold back kindness to those that need it the most, those directly in front of you.
9.17.2018
Life Changing Event
Saturday, October 5, 2013. What is so special about this
particular date? One of the most significant events of my entire life.
I woke up in the middle of the night scared to death. I
started crying and reached over to my husband for consolation. He tried for a
couple of minutes but rolled back over to go back to sleep; I couldn’t.
I went downstairs and did something I had never done before,
I reached for my bible. I know, hokey. No, but really. I had been heading down
this path for some time and realized what I really needed, God.
Sounds like a strange movie or something; I know and can
relate. My life has been just that since then. I started conversing with God or
the Holy Spirit as some come to understand.
9.13.2018
9.12.2018
9.11.2018
9.09.2018
9.08.2018
Not Selves
In a committed relationship, the desires of the flesh can only be satisfied by each other.
9.06.2018
9.05.2018
9.01.2018
8.30.2018
8.29.2018
8.27.2018
Shattered
The shame I feel and have is breaking....
like glass broken by my fist with anger and disgust.
like glass broken by my fist with anger and disgust.
8.25.2018
Big Dark Secret
I seem to have more determination than your average person.
I will push through the most harrowing circumstances despite myself.
Right after my nineteenth birthday, I left my family for a
new kind, the military. I went to boot camp and then to Biloxi, Mississippi for
nine months of technical training. I excelled academically and thoroughly
enjoyed the new freedom I had.
I of course found myself drinking too much far too often,
but this was the norm of the culture. I really just went with the flow. But knowing
my parents are addicts would clearly indicate that drinking could be dangerous
for me.
Nevertheless, I proceeded to make my own decisions badly for
sure. I made a boyfriend who of course wanted to have sex. So, I asked around
and found a way to sneak into the men’s barracks to make that happen more frequently.
Since I was sixteen I had been on the pill, but now in the
military there hadn’t been time to get a prescription and you can see where
this is going; I was pregnant.
I called home for advice and found that my sister two years
younger than me was pregnant as well. She was being pressured to get rid of
hers, but knew she wouldn’t.
I felt I had to get rid of mine as quickly as possible. I
started talking to all the usual suspects in my chain of command. I made all
the correct inquiries with the base chaplain and knew without a shadow of a
doubt it had to be done.
No one tried to talk me out of it. My commander approved of
the plan to have a female instructor escort me to a center for the procedure and
then gave me some restrictive orders afterwards in order to recover properly.
My barrack mates even pulled my mattress off the bunk to the floor so I could
sleep it off comfortably for two days.
I don’t doubt that God was watching out for me; I was graciously
allowed to make a terrible decision for my own protection. I could not go back
home. I could not get married. I could not leave this road to a better life for
myself.
8.24.2018
Soul Sister
You cannot go down for the count,
the sun is starting to shine through the cobwebs now.
Pick your chin up and look at yourself in the mirror;
you are not what they did to you.
You are more than that; you are truly beautiful.
8.22.2018
8.20.2018
Your Will
I am being pulled into oblivion way beyond my strength and
comprehension. I am resolved to believe that my God is in charge of everything,
but I somehow still believe in something sinister in the works.
I have experienced so much pain in my life so far that I don’t
know how to reach for more. I don’t believe that I deserve better. I have been
beaten and abused for most of my life and still don’t comprehend that people
can be better. Life has been harsh and I feel so bruised.
I am being forced to reach to my higher power because I have
nothing left. All of my will is gone. I only want what my God wants. That’s it.
8.18.2018
8.17.2018
Looking Inside
This fear is just too much to bear any longer.
I see that you kept us together
in spite of our mother's addiction.
I see how you poured your love
into our hearts and souls.
8.16.2018
8.15.2018
8.14.2018
Sunrise
You help me believe in my dreams again.
You fill me up to overflowing.
I am so grateful to have a father
who knows my every desire and need.
8.10.2018
8.09.2018
Fear
I am consumed with a memory
of you putting your hands around my neck.
This fear has become a constant companion,
holding my hand and holding me back.
8.08.2018
Forgiveness
I long for your healing.
I long for your brokenness to be used for good.
I dream of seeing you in heaven someday.
8.07.2018
Sadness
This pain and anguish I feel is for you.
I wish you were free from your chains.
I wish you were on your way to freedom.
The abuse you endure is too much for sympathy.
My conscience cannot comprehend your agony.
The pain is so intense, you inflict it on others.
I know that you are meant for more than this.
I know that you are truly a good person inside.
I just can't comprehend hurting others.
I wish you were free from your chains.
I wish you were on your way to freedom.
The abuse you endure is too much for sympathy.
My conscience cannot comprehend your agony.
The pain is so intense, you inflict it on others.
I know that you are meant for more than this.
I know that you are truly a good person inside.
I just can't comprehend hurting others.
8.03.2018
Calm
Reasons for difficulties are not reasonable in nature,
they torture us to find the calm amidst the turmoil.
8.02.2018
Cycle of Pain
You press on me, like a foot on my neck.
You do not let up, relentless with strength.
It has increased all of my life.
You have never spoke life to me believing in my worth.
You have always criticized every effort of mine.
You believe that I am too broken.
But can I remind you that you are my mother.
You should have been there to protect me, to see me.
Why were you so caught up in your own pain to forget me?
I am sorry that no one was there to stop your abuse.
You do not let up, relentless with strength.
It has increased all of my life.
You have never spoke life to me believing in my worth.
You have always criticized every effort of mine.
You believe that I am too broken.
But can I remind you that you are my mother.
You should have been there to protect me, to see me.
Why were you so caught up in your own pain to forget me?
I am sorry that no one was there to stop your abuse.
7.30.2018
7.29.2018
Light
Oh the nagging and disparaging remarks
you make over and over in my mind.
You keep reminding me of my mistakes,
how I chased you and not God.
You keep showing me the population of people
who are following your lustful ways.
You keep tearing down my defenses,
but I am on to your ways.
You have no authority over my mind or my soul.
You must bow down to the one who is stronger.
You must go back to where you came, the lake of fire.
7.28.2018
Resolve
Watch out for the evil of this world. It will disarm your defenses slowly but surely. It will muddle with your conscience and strength. Do not be thrown off course.
7.25.2018
Butterfly
I feel like I’m right on the verge of feeling like a
butterfly. I have one last lie to uncover and I just can’t wait to be who I am
meant to be. I feel like all the barriers are coming down. I feel like I am
finally at the heart of who I really am.
I believe the last lie is that I have never felt beautiful.
All the things done to me and all the bad decisions I’ve made have made me feel
dirty to the core. I feel like I was made this way, like nothing can change it.
But this is a lie.
The truth is I am beautiful exactly the way I am. I don’t
have to try to be anyone else but me. I am designed to perfection to be used
for more than I can realize. I have meaning in this life. I have purpose. I have more to offer than
just weeping and self-destruction.
I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I
want more.
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