Won't Despair

Knowing that I am sick is despairing.

Knowing that I have a big fight ahead of me is intimidating.

I'm afraid that I won't have enough.

I'm afraid.

Inner Demands

I have always loved books. My first major memory was of a book called, “Are You My Mother?” It was read to my class at the public library in Sarasota, Florida. It spoke to my pain like nothing else; I cried. The teachers didn’t know what to do with me. They all spoke about me while I sat nearby. Could you imagine? Why not have a conversation with me?

I remember my first major book that I read from front to back in a weekend. It was “Chariots of Fire.” I couldn’t put it down. I was mesmerized by the parallels to my own life, and yet it saddened me so entirely. Why was no one committed to me and my dreams?

My favorite author is Charles Dickens. I may not have read everything by him, but appreciate his character development. Dickens uses the dirt of the people as the heroes of his stories; you get a sense that they are the real heroes of our society as well.

I thought I wanted to be a dancer for as long as I could remember. But if I really place the origination of that dream, I can see that was my mother’s.

I always wanted her to be proud of me. But now that I know that she was one of the major sources of my abuse growing up, I can free myself of that expectation.

Altered

I have been scorned with words of hate.

I have been torn to pieces with your eyes.

Beseech my beckoning call.

Your avarice respite is inadequate.

Darkness

"Maybe you can stare too long at something

drain out the virtue,

suck out the living juice."

"The Other Side of the Wind" by Orson Welles

Blooming

Bewailing

You dig your heals in eager to please.

Remember the Lord?

Where does He fit in your fretting?

Lonesome

The shadow of wantonness will not cleave,

it haunts me day and night.

What do you want from me with your shamefulness?

You can no longer keep me captive.

Tenacious

I look to see what has become of you,

only to be awakened with the knowledge

that you too have suffered much.

I am burdened to feel your grief;

do not despair, I understand.

Stand firm in the light.

Childlike Abandon

Come and take all my resistance.

Scourge my conscience for erroneous hiccups.

Coming Up Empty

I am bereaved by the notion

that you were there for me.

I am wise to the way

that you feed your ego.

Call to Action

Weeding out the tendrils that exist in your mind is tiresome.

Capturing the scope of your belligerence is nonexistent.

You moan and groan but get nowhere.

Forward now before it is too late.

Reasonable Service

When held to the fire,

I always wither.

I need you more then ever

when I become despondent.

Please lift me into the inner realm

of your mercy.

Horror

I can't move....
I am engulfed in pain and grief.

Why didn't anyone notice and try to help?
Why didn't you see that I needed help?

It was too much for me then and now.
I cannot fathom the responsibility you should have done.

Do my tears mean nothing?

So Scared

I'm scared of becoming her.

Not a Beggar

I will not resort to the weak and beggarly way any longer.

Do not tempt me with your cunning language,

It ignites an anger that is stronger than indignation.

Deceit

They cast their webs....

but get caught in them themselves.

Headstrong

Constantly in motion in pursuit

ever wandering for satisfaction.

Diligent to find a gem in the rough

never pressed to look inward.

Brother in Arms

You carry the burdens of those before you,

you carry a diagnosis that is not yours.

The savageness of your grief is too belittling,

it is overshadowed with shame.

Time to rise up and become anew,

brush off the debris of mistakes and awaken.

More Determined

You believe I am undeserving,

you believe I am broken.

But, I will walk into the blessings.

I choose God's strength in my own weakness.

No Water

Reasons unbeknownst to us cause us to waver.

We believe our God is disapproving of us,

we believe we messed up again.

We draw inside for strength and resilience only to be dry.

Mean Voices

These disparaging voices in my head are too loud!

They bully me into believing that I have no worth,

they make me believe that I am unsavable.

Not Broken

"We are not what we have lost,

we are not what has been taken from us.

We must cherish what remains.

We are not broken,

we are each as whole

as we will ever be again."

From: "Call the Midwife", S7:E8

Rivers of Life

Worn Out

Sudden weariness and pain are a reminder
that they never went away.

Possessed

You wrestle with it night and day,

always unaware of the internal battle.

You believe it to be the circumstances,

you believe everyone is against you.

But there is a better way.....

let go.

Father in Heaven

Fatherless now in this world
deemed unworthy by most
except my God.

Hanging On

By a thread...

Distraught

This pain is too much.

When I look inside and tap into it,

I cannot stop crying.

I'm in pieces.

Nothing

Reaching for strength because I don't have it....

Molestation

I always knew something had happened to me. I even tried bringing it up with my mother several times, but she never told me anything. I think she must have thought how convenient that I forgot everything.

I was raped by some friends of my parents whom they gave their consent. This must sound unfathomable, but when you realize my parents are addicts the unfathomable becomes more possible.

I was left alone the next day, but fortunately near water so I could wash my dirtiness off. That’s what I’ve been left to believe for myself since no one spoke about it. I was left to believe that it must have been my doing that brought it on. I must have done something wrong.

Tyranny, starvation.

Whitewashed with shame and fear,
relentless in your pursuit of power.
When does the wilderness end?

Unrequited Love

I do not claim to have it all figured out, but why would a so called "loving" parent cause harm to you? Does this make me broken or even stupid for loving them? I definitely can claim I knew nothing different.

It's just their love is blemished and broken. You cannot truly love someone and hurt them as well, right? I don't understand it.

I reject this kind of love, tainted and poisonous. There is no room in my heart now for your version of love.

God is Making a Way

Acknowledging that you too sexually abused me is too much.

Stronger

This disease of always manipulating others is over.

I will no longer succumb to the current, I will fight.

I choose a better way.

Sour Friendships

This demon will not let me go, I wrestle with it night and day. You have reminded me when it started.

I was about ten years old at a new school. I wanted so badly to have a friend that I was willing to with the girl who was mean to me. She was nice to me when it was just the two of us, but bullied me when around her other friends. I continued to stay her "friend" for the remainder of that school year.

I can look back and see that I was some kind of project for her. She taught me things like manners and how to make an omelet.

I'm not sure why it hurts still, but this is not the kind of friendship that is acceptable now. No one is allowed to make us feel little. No one is allowed to diminish our value. No one is allowed to be a so called friend and take opportunities to make us feel smaller than them.

Disturbance

No pain or sorrow goes unnoticed.

I would sound the trumpet myself,

but you do it in my stead.

Thank-you, God, for fighting for us.

Search Your Heart

Remove your stumbling blocks; the Lord is nearby.

Contrition

I cringe at the audacity to incite that it meant nothing.

You are not allowed to violate someone and be free of guilt.

Check your conscience.

Blind Spot

You don't remember, but I do. He lived in a house with a room full of white sheets. They hung like the walls that could not keep him from touching you. I have such a deep amount of pain because I could not keep him from you. In that moment I gave up all hope.

Sick Seed

I am done with your sickness being a part of me. 

You did unfathomable things to me and proceeded to continue with my sister. 

Your seed of shame is taking it's toll on my sanity. 

I am finding it even difficult to look at people in the eye because of my shame; the shame you placed on me. 

I am done with it! You don't own me!
Why are you still part of me?

Revenge

I am troubled with the overwhelming need to have revenge. The man who was supposed to keep me safe did the very opposite. It is a sting that cannot be quenched.

Earnestness

Don't hold back kindness to those that need it the most, those directly in front of you.

Life Changing Event

Saturday, October 5, 2013. What is so special about this particular date? One of the most significant events of my entire life.

I woke up in the middle of the night scared to death. I started crying and reached over to my husband for consolation. He tried for a couple of minutes but rolled back over to go back to sleep; I couldn’t.

I went downstairs and did something I had never done before, I reached for my bible. I know, hokey. No, but really. I had been heading down this path for some time and realized what I really needed, God.

Sounds like a strange movie or something; I know and can relate. My life has been just that since then. I started conversing with God or the Holy Spirit as some come to understand.

Inner Torment

When words cannot describe my inner turmoil....

Reformation Time

Even My Sorrow is Producing Colours

Dead End or Endless Possibilites

This is the same spot of the river from two different perspectives. Which do you have?

Not Selves

In a committed relationship, the desires of the flesh can only be satisfied by each other.

Opposites Attract

Moving Forward

I woke up with the realization that I must forgive 

your past and mine.

Truth Seeking

Absolutely nowhere are the truths of life more evident than in the book of the Bible.

Proper Focus

When fear and doubt look back at you,

remember Jesus commiserates with you.

The Battle is Won

Togetherness

Why does shame pull us apart instead of together?

Torture

Self condemnation is a curse from the enemy,

it is not the wrath of God.

Shattered

The shame I feel and have is breaking....
like glass broken by my fist with anger and disgust.

Big Dark Secret

I seem to have more determination than your average person. I will push through the most harrowing circumstances despite myself.

Right after my nineteenth birthday, I left my family for a new kind, the military. I went to boot camp and then to Biloxi, Mississippi for nine months of technical training. I excelled academically and thoroughly enjoyed the new freedom I had.

I of course found myself drinking too much far too often, but this was the norm of the culture. I really just went with the flow. But knowing my parents are addicts would clearly indicate that drinking could be dangerous for me.

Nevertheless, I proceeded to make my own decisions badly for sure. I made a boyfriend who of course wanted to have sex. So, I asked around and found a way to sneak into the men’s barracks to make that happen more frequently.

Since I was sixteen I had been on the pill, but now in the military there hadn’t been time to get a prescription and you can see where this is going; I was pregnant.

I called home for advice and found that my sister two years younger than me was pregnant as well. She was being pressured to get rid of hers, but knew she wouldn’t.

I felt I had to get rid of mine as quickly as possible. I started talking to all the usual suspects in my chain of command. I made all the correct inquiries with the base chaplain and knew without a shadow of a doubt it had to be done.

No one tried to talk me out of it. My commander approved of the plan to have a female instructor escort me to a center for the procedure and then gave me some restrictive orders afterwards in order to recover properly. My barrack mates even pulled my mattress off the bunk to the floor so I could sleep it off comfortably for two days.

I don’t doubt that God was watching out for me; I was graciously allowed to make a terrible decision for my own protection. I could not go back home. I could not get married. I could not leave this road to a better life for myself.

Soul Sister

You cannot go down for the count,

the sun is starting to shine through the cobwebs now.

Pick your chin up and look at yourself in the mirror;

you are not what they did to you.

You are more than that; you are truly beautiful.

Bad Seed

You planted a seed of self infliction

that has to face the light.

Your Will

I am being pulled into oblivion way beyond my strength and comprehension. I am resolved to believe that my God is in charge of everything, but I somehow still believe in something sinister in the works.

I have experienced so much pain in my life so far that I don’t know how to reach for more. I don’t believe that I deserve better. I have been beaten and abused for most of my life and still don’t comprehend that people can be better. Life has been harsh and I feel so bruised.

I am being forced to reach to my higher power because I have nothing left. All of my will is gone. I only want what my God wants. That’s it.

Problem

It's so challenging to fight the good fight

when no one has ever truly believed in your worth.

Looking Inside

This fear is just too much to bear any longer.

I see that you kept us together

in spite of our mother's addiction.

I see how you poured your love

into our hearts and souls.

Waken

I am saddened with the realization

that I am unable to forgive you.

Choice

I choose joy even when it is raining.

Sunrise

You help me believe in my dreams again.

You fill me up to overflowing.

I am so grateful to have a father

who knows my every desire and need.

No Hope

Seldom making you feel adequate,

fear rips at every shred of hope.

Fear

I am consumed with a memory

of you putting your hands around my neck.

This fear has become a constant companion,

holding my hand and holding me back.

Forgiveness

I long for your healing.

I long for your brokenness to be used for good.

I dream of seeing you in heaven someday.

Sadness

This pain and anguish I feel is for you.
I wish you were free from your chains.
I wish you were on your way to freedom.

The abuse you endure is too much for sympathy.
My conscience cannot comprehend your agony.
The pain is so intense, you inflict it on others.

I know that you are meant for more than this.
I know that you are truly a good person inside.
I just can't comprehend hurting others.

Calm

Reasons for difficulties are not reasonable in nature, 

they torture us to find the calm amidst the turmoil.

Cycle of Pain

You press on me, like a foot on my neck.
You do not let up, relentless with strength.
It has increased all of my life.

You have never spoke life to me believing in my worth.
You have always criticized every effort of mine.
You believe that I am too broken.

But can I remind you that you are my mother.
You should have been there to protect me, to see me.
Why were you so caught up in your own pain to forget me?

I am sorry that no one was there to stop your abuse.

Friend

I weep for you,

you deserve better.

It breaks my heart

to see your pain.

Light

Oh the nagging and disparaging remarks 

you make over and over in my mind.

You keep reminding me of my mistakes, 

how I chased you and not God.

You keep showing me the population of people 

who are following your lustful ways.

You keep tearing down my defenses, 

but I am on to your ways.

You have no authority over my mind or my soul.

You must bow down to the one who is stronger.

You must go back to where you came, the lake of fire.

Resolve

Watch out for the evil of this world. It will disarm your defenses slowly but surely. It will muddle with your conscience and strength. Do not be thrown off course.

Butterfly

I feel like I’m right on the verge of feeling like a butterfly. I have one last lie to uncover and I just can’t wait to be who I am meant to be. I feel like all the barriers are coming down. I feel like I am finally at the heart of who I really am.

I believe the last lie is that I have never felt beautiful. All the things done to me and all the bad decisions I’ve made have made me feel dirty to the core. I feel like I was made this way, like nothing can change it. But this is a lie.

The truth is I am beautiful exactly the way I am. I don’t have to try to be anyone else but me. I am designed to perfection to be used for more than I can realize. I have meaning in this life.  I have purpose. I have more to offer than just weeping and self-destruction.

I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I want more.