9.30.2021

Derision

I recently visited a church and had the strangest experience. The head pastor actually disliked how “good” I am.

She bullied me and tried to get me to join her Anti-Christian Christian movement. It had to be one of the most bizarre experiences I’ve had at a church in a long time.

I have been quite comfortable doing home church by myself for over a year, maybe two now. I can’t confidently say when it began. Probably for the past five years I’ve slowly pulled away from organized religion and found freedom in honoring my relationship with God the way I need to.

Maybe it’s a little strange, but at least I’m not on the storming the White House team.

9.24.2021

My Mother

She was born the sixth child of my grandparents, although only the fourth alive. She was the baby young enough to be her brother’s daughter.

Her father adored her until he went to heaven. Her grandmother was distant and even further was her own mother.

What those people did to her and her cousin was unforgivable. So young and so in need of love.

One died young lost in her addiction. The other still struggling with her own.

They were united through the trauma but never understood. They suffered because no one tried to help them go through their pain.

The loss of their mother’s love.

9.16.2021

Love and Hate

So, why would God care about me? What makes me or you so special? Absolutely nothing. When we all look deep inside we all know that we are all selfish, worthless, and can find countless reasons why we shouldn’t be loved by God.

We truly understand that the love we have for God is because he loves us. When the gratitude hits us, then we can finally start to heal.

It’s only His love that makes us want to be better, not that we can do it ourselves. Only by His grace.

So I stand before you worthless and defiled but priceless and perfect in His eyes. This is what it is all about.

9.13.2021

Lost It

I have a long history of risk of breast cancer. I have three women in my family who have died from it.

Today was another mammogram. I didn’t know I was scared until someone set me off.

This person was driving really close to the back of my car. Normally I just pull off the road and let them pass.

I did that, but then the car between us made a turn.

I then aggressively drove close to their car in return. I know… not very Christian of me.

I justified it because they needed to learn their lesson. I even backed off at least two car lengths after and felt terrible.

I decided to show them how to properly follow a car. But, do you think they learned their lesson by me doing the very thing they were doing wrong. I’m sure they were convinced I was crazy and that’s it.

I am broken and scared. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

9.09.2021

Warning

The meaning of your dream
is a fair warning. 

If you do not listen to the LORD,
it will all come crashing down.

Revolving Door

Chasing the wind,
looking for approval
from the enemy.

It doesn't have to make sense;
the person who hurt us
was for the enemy,
not God.

Now surrender
and release the pain.