Refuge for Misfits: September 2018

9.30.2018

Tyranny, starvation.

Whitewashed with shame and fear,
relentless in your pursuit of power.
When does the wilderness end?

9.29.2018

I do not claim to have it all figured out, but why would a so called "loving" parent cause harm to you? Does this make me broken or even stupid for loving them? I definitely can claim I knew nothing different.

It's just their love is blemished and broken. You cannot truly love someone and hurt them as well, right? I don't understand it.

I reject this kind of love, tainted and poisonous. There is no room in my heart now for your version of love.

9.28.2018

God is Making a Way

Acknowledging that you too sexually abused me is too much.

9.27.2018

Stronger

This disease of always manipulating others is over.

I will no longer succumb to the current, I will fight.

I choose a better way.

Sour Friendships

This demon will not let me go, I wrestle with it night and day. You have reminded me when it started.

I was about ten years old at a new school. I wanted so badly to have a friend that I was willing to with the girl who was mean to me. She was nice to me when it was just the two of us, but bullied me when around her other friends. I continued to stay her "friend" for the remainder of that school year.

I can look back and see that I was some kind of project for her. She taught me things like manners and how to make an omelet.

I'm not sure why it hurts still, but this is not the kind of friendship that is acceptable now. No one is allowed to make us feel little. No one is allowed to diminish our value. No one is allowed to be a so called friend and take opportunities to make us feel smaller than them.

9.25.2018

Disturbance

No pain or sorrow goes unnoticed.

I would sound the trumpet myself,

but you do it in my stead.

Thank-you, God, for fighting for us.

9.24.2018

Search Your Heart

Remove your stumbling blocks; the Lord is nearby.

9.21.2018

Blind Spot

You don't remember, but I do. He lived in a house with a room full of white sheets. They hung like the walls that could not keep him from touching you. I have such a deep amount of pain because I could not keep him from you. In that moment I gave up all hope.

9.20.2018

Sick Seed

I am done with your sickness being a part of me.

You did unfathomable things to me and proceeded to continue with my sister.

Your seed of shame is taking it's toll on my sanity.

I am finding it even difficult to look at people in the eye because of my shame; the shame you placed on me.

I am done with it! You don't own me!
Why are you still part of me?

9.19.2018

Revenge

I am troubled with the overwhelming need to have revenge. The man who was supposed to keep me safe did the very opposite. It is a sting that cannot be quenched.

9.18.2018

Earnestness

Don't hold back kindness to those that need it the most, those directly in front of you.

9.17.2018

Life Changing Event

Saturday, October 5, 2013. What is so special about this particular date? One of the most significant events of my entire life.

I woke up in the middle of the night scared to death. I started crying and reached over to my husband for consolation. He tried for a couple of minutes but rolled back over to go back to sleep; I couldn’t.

I went downstairs and did something I had never done before, I reached for my bible. I know, hokey. No, but really. I had been heading down this path for some time and realized what I really needed, God.

Sounds like a strange movie or something; I know and can relate. My life has been just that since then. I started conversing with God or the Holy Spirit as some come to understand.