Togetherness

Why does shame pull us apart instead of together?

Torture

Self condemnation is a curse from the enemy,

it is not the wrath of God.

Shattered

The shame I feel and have is breaking....
like glass broken by my fist with anger and disgust.

Big Dark Secret

I seem to have more determination than your average person. I will push through the most harrowing circumstances despite myself.

Right after my nineteenth birthday, I left my family for a new kind, the military. I went to boot camp and then to Biloxi, Mississippi for nine months of technical training. I excelled academically and thoroughly enjoyed the new freedom I had.

I of course found myself drinking too much far too often, but this was the norm of the culture. I really just went with the flow. But knowing my parents are addicts would clearly indicate that drinking could be dangerous for me.

Nevertheless, I proceeded to make my own decisions badly for sure. I made a boyfriend who of course wanted to have sex. So, I asked around and found a way to sneak into the men’s barracks to make that happen more frequently.

Since I was sixteen I had been on the pill, but now in the military there hadn’t been time to get a prescription and you can see where this is going; I was pregnant.

I called home for advice and found that my sister two years younger than me was pregnant as well. She was being pressured to get rid of hers, but knew she wouldn’t.

I felt I had to get rid of mine as quickly as possible. I started talking to all the usual suspects in my chain of command. I made all the correct inquiries with the base chaplain and knew without a shadow of a doubt it had to be done.

No one tried to talk me out of it. My commander approved of the plan to have a female instructor escort me to a center for the procedure and then gave me some restrictive orders afterwards in order to recover properly. My barrack mates even pulled my mattress off the bunk to the floor so I could sleep it off comfortably for two days.

I don’t doubt that God was watching out for me; I was graciously allowed to make a terrible decision for my own protection. I could not go back home. I could not get married. I could not leave this road to a better life for myself.

Soul Sister

You cannot go down for the count,

the sun is starting to shine through the cobwebs now.

Pick your chin up and look at yourself in the mirror;

you are not what they did to you.

You are more than that; you are truly beautiful.

Bad Seed

You planted a seed of self infliction

that has to face the light.

Your Will

I am being pulled into oblivion way beyond my strength and comprehension. I am resolved to believe that my God is in charge of everything, but I somehow still believe in something sinister in the works.

I have experienced so much pain in my life so far that I don’t know how to reach for more. I don’t believe that I deserve better. I have been beaten and abused for most of my life and still don’t comprehend that people can be better. Life has been harsh and I feel so bruised.

I am being forced to reach to my higher power because I have nothing left. All of my will is gone. I only want what my God wants. That’s it.

Problem

It's so challenging to fight the good fight

when no one has ever truly believed in your worth.

Looking Inside

This fear is just too much to bear any longer.

I see that you kept us together

in spite of our mother's addiction.

I see how you poured your love

into our hearts and souls.

Waken

I am saddened with the realization

that I am unable to forgive you.

Choice

I choose joy even when it is raining.

Sunrise

You help me believe in my dreams again.

You fill me up to overflowing.

I am so grateful to have a father

who knows my every desire and need.

No Hope

Seldom making you feel adequate,

fear rips at every shred of hope.

Fear

I am consumed with a memory

of you putting your hands around my neck.

This fear has become a constant companion,

holding my hand and holding me back.

Forgiveness

I long for your healing.

I long for your brokenness to be used for good.

I dream of seeing you in heaven someday.

Sadness

This pain and anguish I feel is for you.
I wish you were free from your chains.
I wish you were on your way to freedom.

The abuse you endure is too much for sympathy.
My conscience cannot comprehend your agony.
The pain is so intense, you inflict it on others.

I know that you are meant for more than this.
I know that you are truly a good person inside.
I just can't comprehend hurting others.

Calm

Reasons for difficulties are not reasonable in nature, 

they torture us to find the calm amidst the turmoil.

Cycle of Pain

You press on me, like a foot on my neck.
You do not let up, relentless with strength.
It has increased all of my life.

You have never spoke life to me believing in my worth.
You have always criticized every effort of mine.
You believe that I am too broken.

But can I remind you that you are my mother.
You should have been there to protect me, to see me.
Why were you so caught up in your own pain to forget me?

I am sorry that no one was there to stop your abuse.