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The Spirit

Medium: oil pastel, pastel, and watercolor paint

10.18.2019

Cry for Help

I am distraught. Even the changing of the leaves can't cheer me up and this is my favorite time of the year.

I can't get a single sympathetic look from a person. This journey has been so hard.

God, please show your light on those around me. I can't do this alone.

10.17.2019

I'm Scared

I'm scared of someone saying, "no."
I'm scared that I can never measure up to anyone's standards.

I'm scared I'll fail at making God proud of me.


This is a big fat lie, right? I mean he loves each and every one of us exactly the way we are... imperfect. He loves me just the way I am.

10.16.2019

Spiritual Abuse

I share this post with a heavy heart. I am still in the midst of forgiving my spiritual abusers.  I am flabbergasted that I have become prey to this pervasive problem in the church today.

I know that I have endured all kinds of abuse as a child and this is probably why this is hurting me so. Also, since I have relied on a real and sincere relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for so long now I can't even understand how someone would have the absurdity to control that very same relationship.

I am livid.

So, I apologize on behalf of the church out there that are making a bad name for us believers. I wouldn't want anything different in my life; my only true and real thing is that God loves me. This is a very personal relationship for me. One that is so dear for me that I am willing to forgo everything in my life to maintain it.

Does this sound strange? I don't know how to explain it in words. My only reliance in getting better is that I have sound judgment from God. I can search the bible and find that my needs are important. All of them.

So this recent set back has really got me halting in my tracks. As a result, I have lost my spiritual confidence. But only momentarily. I haven't lost my real relationship. I can still read the bible, praise and worship, and rest assured this is meant for something good as well.


I don't know what else to say. I want to let anyone reading this that I have an open door; if you have suffered from this kind of abuse based on any reason I am here to communicate about it if you feel open to it. Please use the message button and I will get an e-mail. Then when I can, I will respond with whatever you may need.

Let me help you become confident in your own relationship with God. Never let anyone tell you how or what that should look like.


I pray that you have the confidence to grow in your own relationship in the freedom of your own house just like I do.

10.11.2019

This Moment

I am forging ahead sleepless and still

resolved to see this thing through.


I am bruised and disheveled;

I am in pain and lost.


10.09.2019

Truth for the Ages

When our lives start to unravel,
don't delay Holy Spirit.

Pour your mercy and grace,
because we cannot walk out alone.

We don't dare wait for
a different calling.

You have already called
a peculiar nation to follow You.

Your Spirit

10.08.2019

Wrongful Guilt

Tell me what I did to deserve it.
I was only nine years old.

I did nothing wrong.

Day 1: Mr. Bones

He's got the baby now. Will anyone notice? Does anyone care?

I have to have someone watch her for me now.

Oh, I see she's with our daughter now.

See you later, Rachael

10.07.2019

Just sharing....

The bee is swirming around my collar bone.
"What do you want?" I ask. I wonder.
Are you really going to cut down our home?

Is that what he just said?


What is going on?


I'm hanging on for dear life and I hear a voice come out of the dark woods..... are you happy?


I'm going in for the kill.


What's for dinner?

10.06.2019

Letter to You


Rachael, if you can hear me. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you. I had decided on my own that I wasn’t good enough to have you. I had decided you deserved better than me.

I am so sorry that I couldn’t be there to tell you and explain to you how I really didn’t know what to do at all. I just thought at the time it had to be the best decision for me to have any kind of future.  I’m sorry I saw so narrowly.

Shame Free

I had an abortion right before the first gestation right around five weeks.  I tried to find a heart beat but couldn't feel one until afterwards.

I finally don't feel the heart beat of my lost child after 25 years of carrying the guilt and shame of everything that has happened to me.

Now my guilt and shame are gone.

10.04.2019

Grief

How do you find your daughter in heaven?

Can you seek her on the playground after school?

Can you find her at that abortion clinic where she was taken?


Can you lose the pain for a moment?