2.29.2020

Forgiving Others

I've come to the realization that I had some bitterness left over authorities in my childhood not being aware of the abuse I was enduring.  However, it was vital that my family stuck together.

I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.

I have also come to the realization that it is alright.


I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.

Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.


But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.


All we have to do is forgive them.

2.25.2020

Church Rejection

This is the pain I have in my heart. I told my pastors of the sexual abuse I had to endure as a child and yet I got no compassion back. They have rejected me.

They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.

The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.


If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.

2.22.2020

Unsympathetic

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called,"Life Overtakes Me." It was so cathartic for me as I have been recovering from PTSD in the last couple of years.

It is mainly about families that have fled from their countries of origin because of some violence. In the documentary, the families have relocated to Sweden.

The families are seeking asylum and await status on whether they can stay. Many of the families are told they can't, and almost immediately one of the children goes into a kind of coma. It is called Resignation Syndrome. I am utterly amazed.

Right when the family is going back to their country of origin, one of the family members breaks down. This happened in the concentration camps during World War II. It is happening with refugees in Australia.

This is quite remarkable for me to witness. I never recovered from my trauma for almost 30 years. But to be under so much stress and afraid to face that trauma again, a person can actually break down and essentially die.

Fortunately, Sweden is stepping up and helping all these families. The children do recover. The families do stay in Sweden.

It is just unbelievable what our human bodies do in the face of real trauma.  I pray that I never lose my sense of compassion for any individual who has ever lived through any kind of trauma.

2.20.2020

Sexuality

Be thee careful, be thee cautious.
It will feel like an epiphany from God,
but the devil can talk to you as well.

This desire to be unique is from God,
but watch whom you identify with.

As a child of God you are female or male.
Do not get caught in the undertow.



2.12.2020

Wronged

What do you do when others have overlooked your pain your whole life? 
What do you do when your left with only God who understands?


That's me. I was abused starting at such a young age. I finally got clarity of some life skills I developed early on. For example, to be a people pleaser growing up was a survival instinct for me. I'm so grateful I'm not that way any longer, however I don't have many people in my life now. I feel full. I feel joy. I feel.

The other piece of information that has been helpful to me is that the people who were not there when it was hurting the most don't deserve to be in your life when it gets better. It's non negotiable for me now. It's simple.

I know that I will make new friends and closer friends that will fill the void of extended family. I know God understands the cost to me and my immediate family. I believe it is a set up for something better.

So, please don't lose hope. Just be grateful that you know now what a good friend will not be like.

2.10.2020

Separation

Regarding my gifts as weapons
is not how to make friends.

Trying to add shame to injury
is another form of injustice
God will not tolerate.

2.05.2020

Predators

I've had some experience with stalkers that have left me scared. As you might know I was violated at the early age of nine that leaves a person prone to predators of every kind.

I recently had an individual need me. I don't understand how anyone can just push themselves on you like you belong to them when you know and God knows you belong to someone else. God got me away from the person safely.

But the feelings don't go away so easily. It makes you lose trust in everyone. I trust God and that's it. But I want to be able to trust people. Why would God allow such dark people in our lives?

It is so painful; the shame wants to own you.  LORD, please free all of us victims of violence from the darkness that wants to overtake us. For Your honor and glory, Amen.

Your Will

2.03.2020

Walls

What do you do when you can't let anyone in, even God. I have been hurt by everyone.

I don't know what else to do but surrender. God, have your way. I'm ready.



2.01.2020

Being Seen

I went for a drive with our daughter so that she could take a nap in the car.

I love driving through some of our National Parks in this area of Northeast Ohio. I drove through our loop and stopped on the way back to look at three deer. It was a mother with her two children. They were all fuzzy because it was winter.

First, one of the children looked at me. Then the mother. The second time she looked at me I started crying for no reason at all other than to be seen.

Hope you are seen by someone unexpectedly soon as well. It fills your soul in all the right places.