Letter to Steve

By the power of Jesus, you no longer have power over me.

I was free born.

You may have used my relationship with God to manipulate me into your web of lies; but, I see you for what you are. So does God.

You cannot deceive God.

You may not be in jail for what you did; but, be aware you will sit in the judgment seat.

You are guilty!

No More Tyranny

We are free to be

who we are called to be,

not what anyone else thinks.

Let all your chains come off.

Let us fly like eagles.

He made our calling before we were born.

Deep Rooted Pain

It will not leave,
ever present reminding me
that I am not enough.

I will never be enough.

The shame is too deep,
the pain is now everlasting.
I am in anguish.

Despondent? Sure.
But more than that.
Disappointed in humanity.

There is a pain in our country
that I feel as my own.
They are tied together as one.

I release this.

Solemn Regret

With harassment running rampant and having to serve the mission before my needs left me with a nervous breakdown right before I had to retire.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful that I got to retire at 20 years. But, quite frankly I served all 20 years with integrity.

I do not regret one single decision. They were from a place of honesty and definitely my pain.

So maybe I was in more relationships than I would like to see for my daughter, but that is not my shame.

Maybe I drank too much on too many occasions. That too is not my shame.

How others take advantage of us as survivors of abuse in not our fault. It will never be our fault; the shame lies on them and them alone.

War Zone

Sleep never comes easy. My gear is under my bed when a missile comes our way. It happens every couple of weeks and we are the target.

There are mosquitos carrying malaria. There are camel spiders and scorpions everywhere. Must check my boots every time I put them on.

There are schnucks (army helicopters) carrying soldiers to and from the front line. Not all come back.

I have such vivid dreams that I actually see men coming into my room to get me.

I am terrified.

Remorse

This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.

I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.

Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.

Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.

Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment. 

No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.

Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.

No More Condemnation

I have always been a believer.

Even now, in this dark place of a terrible trigger. The couple that raped me when I was a child used my Christianity against me. They twisted it into a way of getting me to obey them. It worked also because I was only nine years old.

But I want my relationship with God to be mine only. I don't want anyone else's input on it. I don't want another preacher using the word in a twisted way to condemn who I am as a believer.

It's been long enough.