Not Ours

shame box.

God's Perspective

"Our faith stretches her wings and mounts like an eagle into the heaven of divine love 

as to her proper dwelling-place." - Charles Spurgeon

Angels

20 Years

I gave you my loyalty,

my integrity,

my bravery.

I will always be indebted.

20 Years

Persevere

I'll trust that I will get through this.

I know that I loved you truly.

I will let go of the need to please

and press on to being free.

Love

Forgiveness

Letting go of the hurt

of the disappointment

of the resistance.

The shame belongs to you.

Truth

The Core of Depression

I went to see my primary care doctor recently and he told me that long term use of marijuana will make you depressed. I didn't really want to believe him, but it is true.

I have been living with the deep-set depression in me for a while now. I have thus stopped using marijuana and can really feel the results. Wow, so true.

So, gratefully I share that this is different than any other set of depression spells I've experienced in the past. Before, I would feel as though a heavy dark cloud had come on me. This depression is different. It is part of you. It takes hold of your hope, your dreams, your focus.

It robs you of you.

What do you do about it? If you are battling the anxiety-depression spectrum like so many of us with Complex PTSD, you have to start taking care of yourself.

This is difficult if you are a mother or caregiver to others. But this is key. You must take time for yourself. Find what you like to do by yourself.

I love to exercise and do my art. It is not easy to find the time, but it must be a priority. Your sanity is what we are considering here.

Go to therapy and start talking about the events in your childhood. Come clean with what you feel are your mistakes which actually aren't.

If you were sexually assaulted like I was there is a time in your life where you acted out probably with a lot of promiscuous behavior. Own it. You just acted out of what was taught you; not your fault.

This is the core of your shame and you must open up that wound to get real healing.


I will continue to pray for all of us on this journey of healing; it is a rough one.

Strange Dream

I just can't shake it. I recall the end of my dream like it was a movie but yet so real.

I'm in this alternate universe where someone really bad has blown up the Department of Defense which is not exactly accurate but it happened anyway.

Then he is continuing to pursue a crowd of people of which I am present and we all fall on the floor for cover so we don't get shot. I must of pushed some people in front of me because I am left on the ground where he can reach me.

I struggle with him and get his pistol. But in the struggle I get shot about three times. I finally get a hold of the gun with this stinging in my belly. I can actually feel it. I get the gun and shoot him in the heart two times. It is so shocking.

Next, I'm speaking to a group of people about the incident. We are all talking about it. We have all been killed by this person, and there are a lot of us.

We are in heaven. He is not.