2.23.2021

War Zone

Sleep never comes easy. My gear is under my bed when a missile comes our way. It happens every couple of weeks and we are the target.

There are mosquitos carrying malaria. There are camel spiders and scorpions everywhere. Must check my boots every time I put them on.

There are schnucks (army helicopters) carrying soldiers to and from the front line. Not all come back.

I have such vivid dreams that I actually see men coming into my room to get me.

I am terrified.

2.19.2021

Remorse

This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.

I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.

Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.

Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.

Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment. 

No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.

Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.

2.16.2021

No More Condemnation

I have always been a believer.

Even now, in this dark place of a terrible trigger. The couple that raped me when I was a child used my Christianity against me. They twisted it into a way of getting me to obey them. It worked also because I was only nine years old.

But I want my relationship with God to be mine only. I don't want anyone else's input on it. I don't want another preacher using the word in a twisted way to condemn who I am as a believer.

It's been long enough.


2.13.2021

Comfort

I was paralyzed with fear yesterday. Complete illogical fear, but that did not keep my body from responding. My nervous system was so attacked I could not keep solids down.

After nursing myself back to health, I sat on the couch to watch a fun show with a bag of Cheeto's; not my normal snack food, but I felt like I just had to.

So, sure I ended up on the toilet one more time before going to sleep. But it felt worth it.

I took a two hour long bath trying my hardest to calm the storm.

It was so overwhelming.

I really hope you can find comfort when and where you need it the most as well.


2.11.2021

Powdered Donuts

My husband went out last night to pick up our son's new glasses and was supposed to pick up batteries but came home with powdered donuts instead. It made for a fun breakfast for the kids with cereal and juice.

But the taste brought me right back to being a kid myself. I was about five years old and my parents had just separated. My sisters and I were living with our mother in our new house.

It was always a lot of work to get me to school in the morning. But on this one morning my mom had a friend over who brought me to school on his moped. We stopped by the gas station on the way for powdered donuts and orange juice.

I ate my breakfast on the way to school on his moped. It was so fun. I decided I liked this guy. Could he be our new father?

That same day I waited outside my school for a long time for anyone to pick me up. Could be that man on his moped again. Could be my mother.

But no one came. So I walked about a mile to my grandparent's house. My children would not be able to do this now.

From that day forward, my grandfather picked me up from school.

2.04.2021

Are you on edge?

On the edge of what, right?  Exactly. Could be good, could be bad. I know; I'm feeling it too.

Our experience would tell us that something bad had to happen. My kids made a loud noise last night while making dinner and I was instantly in "fear" mode. I was so scared something terrible happened to one of them.

And this is not too far off of the truth. When our oldest child was three, he was bit by a dog and had to go the hospital to get staples. Wow, was it terrible.

It was exactly your worst fear come true. So, I get it. I've had terrible things happen to me, I've seen terrible things happen to my loved ones, and now what?

We can do this. We can walk into liberty and freedom. We can quiet this incessant anxiety that is trying to take us down.

At least it's not depression. But somewhere in the middle would be better than this.

Please, God help us get through this breakthrough without fear.


1.31.2021

Untrapped

I was recently reminded that almost anything can send you right back to a traumatic event in your life.

I found myself completely helpless in the fear and anxiety my body immediately felt. I reacted in a way that was not like me.

I was five again.

My parents had just separated from a terrible marriage; my father was physically abusing our mother.

Now we were in our first home away from him and I finally felt like we could have a good future. But he came over uninvited and had a physical fight with my mother in which she got burned by our kitchen stove.  When he left, I was hysterical.

I actually had a hard time breathing; I was overcome with fear and could not stop crying. It was overwhelming. I thought we would never be free from him.

This is what the pandemic has felt like for many of us. The truth is that the battle doesn't seem to end. We can't see the kindness. We can't even see people's faces.

For the survivors out there like myself, please keep your head up and know you are not alone. We can get through this one as well. We were made for it.