3.27.2020

Prayer to God

LORD, please give us your mercy. 
Pour your spirit on us all. 
Only you can see us white as snow.

We believe that you cry with us.
We believe you see our pain.
We believe you see our loneliness.

Please take the crimson away.
Please make us whole again.

3.16.2020

Depression

Nowhere


I can believe that I am nobody and that I am nowhere,
however I do know that I am a child of God.

Thus, I must be someone special and
exactly where I am supposed to be.

3.06.2020

No More

I am disappointed in those in my life who don't want the best for me.

It's really challenging when you have Christians in your life who are family who hold the standard with the Old Testament, the Law.  It's unbelievable that they can believe in Jesus and his resurrection but not seek that same transformation in their loved ones.

Do they actually want to see the same curses passed down from generation to generation on their own grandchildren?  I just can't.

In the name of Jesus may all the curses that the enemy is trying to place in our hearts be broken!

3.05.2020

Servant

Swaying in the wind waiting for You

to show me where to go,

what to do.

Please, come and give me direction.

I'm ready to be on a candlestick for You.



2.29.2020

Forgiving Others

I've come to the realization that I had some bitterness left over authorities in my childhood not being aware of the abuse I was enduring.  However, it was vital that my family stuck together.

I have recently been coming to terms with the fact that many family members have abandoned me when I was moving through the pain of a terrible repressed memory.

I have also come to the realization that it is alright.


I have a quiet voice that would like me to feel guilty over the loss. But I want all of us to know this too is not our fault. If they fall away during our hardest times, it's alright. That means there will be better friends/family ahead. God is the only one we really need anyway.

Graciously I have the physical love from my husband and two children.


But I will not feel guilty over the mistakes of others. It was their decision to not help or even ask how I was doing... not mine. It is their loss.... not mine. It was their decision... not mine.


All we have to do is forgive them.

2.25.2020

Church Rejection

This is the pain I have in my heart. I told my pastors of the sexual abuse I had to endure as a child and yet I got no compassion back. They have rejected me.

They must see me as guilty somehow in the wrongs that were committed to me. I am fully aware of all the mistakes I made as a young adult; you can read about most of it here on my blog.

The only saving grace is that I have an intimate relationship with God who weeps for me.


If you have been hurt by a Christian or a group of Christians, I am sorry as one myself. I do not understand how as survivors of some terrible act we can be rejected and abandoned. Just know you are not the only one.

2.22.2020

Unsympathetic

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called,"Life Overtakes Me." It was so cathartic for me as I have been recovering from PTSD in the last couple of years.

It is mainly about families that have fled from their countries of origin because of some violence. In the documentary, the families have relocated to Sweden.

The families are seeking asylum and await status on whether they can stay. Many of the families are told they can't, and almost immediately one of the children goes into a kind of coma. It is called Resignation Syndrome. I am utterly amazed.

Right when the family is going back to their country of origin, one of the family members breaks down. This happened in the concentration camps during World War II. It is happening with refugees in Australia.

This is quite remarkable for me to witness. I never recovered from my trauma for almost 30 years. But to be under so much stress and afraid to face that trauma again, a person can actually break down and essentially die.

Fortunately, Sweden is stepping up and helping all these families. The children do recover. The families do stay in Sweden.

It is just unbelievable what our human bodies do in the face of real trauma.  I pray that I never lose my sense of compassion for any individual who has ever lived through any kind of trauma.