This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.
I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.
Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.
Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.
This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.
Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment.
No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.
Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.
I was paralyzed with fear yesterday. Complete illogical fear, but that did not keep my body from responding. My nervous system was so attacked I could not keep solids down.
After nursing myself back to health, I sat on the couch to watch a fun show with a bag of Cheeto's; not my normal snack food, but I felt like I just had to.
So, sure I ended up on the toilet one more time before going to sleep. But it felt worth it.
I took a two hour long bath trying my hardest to calm the storm.
It was so overwhelming.
I really hope you can find comfort when and where you need it the most as well.
On the edge of what, right? Exactly. Could be good, could be bad. I know; I'm feeling it too.
Our experience would tell us that something bad had to happen. My kids made a loud noise last night while making dinner and I was instantly in "fear" mode. I was so scared something terrible happened to one of them.
And this is not too far off of the truth. When our oldest child was three, he was bit by a dog and had to go the hospital to get staples. Wow, was it terrible.
It was exactly your worst fear come true. So, I get it. I've had terrible things happen to me, I've seen terrible things happen to my loved ones, and now what?
We can do this. We can walk into liberty and freedom. We can quiet this incessant anxiety that is trying to take us down.
At least it's not depression. But somewhere in the middle would be better than this.
Please, God help us get through this breakthrough without fear.