Solemn Regret

With harassment running rampant and having to serve the mission before my needs left me with a nervous breakdown right before I had to retire.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful that I got to retire at 20 years. But, quite frankly I served all 20 years with integrity.

I do not regret one single decision. They were from a place of honesty and definitely my pain.

So maybe I was in more relationships than I would like to see for my daughter, but that is not my shame.

Maybe I drank too much on too many occasions. That too is not my shame.

How others take advantage of us as survivors of abuse in not our fault. It will never be our fault; the shame lies on them and them alone.

War Zone

Sleep never comes easy. My gear is under my bed when a missile comes our way. It happens every couple of weeks and we are the target.

There are mosquitos carrying malaria. There are camel spiders and scorpions everywhere. Must check my boots every time I put them on.

There are schnucks (army helicopters) carrying soldiers to and from the front line. Not all come back.

I have such vivid dreams that I actually see men coming into my room to get me.

I am terrified.

Remorse

This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.

I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.

Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.

Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.

Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment. 

No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.

Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.

No More Condemnation

I have always been a believer.

Even now, in this dark place of a terrible trigger. The couple that raped me when I was a child used my Christianity against me. They twisted it into a way of getting me to obey them. It worked also because I was only nine years old.

But I want my relationship with God to be mine only. I don't want anyone else's input on it. I don't want another preacher using the word in a twisted way to condemn who I am as a believer.

It's been long enough.

Comfort

I was paralyzed with fear yesterday. Complete illogical fear, but that did not keep my body from responding. My nervous system was so attacked I could not keep solids down.

After nursing myself back to health, I sat on the couch to watch a fun show with a bag of Cheeto's; not my normal snack food, but I felt like I just had to.

So, sure I ended up on the toilet one more time before going to sleep. But it felt worth it.

I took a two hour long bath trying my hardest to calm the storm.

It was so overwhelming.

I really hope you can find comfort when and where you need it the most as well.

Powdered Donuts

My husband went out last night to pick up our son's new glasses and was supposed to pick up batteries but came home with powdered donuts instead. It made for a fun breakfast for the kids with cereal and juice.

But the taste brought me right back to being a kid myself. I was about five years old and my parents had just separated. My sisters and I were living with our mother in our new house.

It was always a lot of work to get me to school in the morning. But on this one morning my mom had a friend over who brought me to school on his moped. We stopped by the gas station on the way for powdered donuts and orange juice.

I ate my breakfast on the way to school on his moped. It was so fun. I decided I liked this guy. Could he be our new father?

That same day I waited outside my school for a long time for anyone to pick me up. Could be that man on his moped again. Could be my mother.

But no one came. So I walked about a mile to my grandparent's house. My children would not be able to do this now.

From that day forward, my grandfather picked me up from school.

Are you on edge?

On the edge of what, right?  Exactly. Could be good, could be bad. I know; I'm feeling it too.

Our experience would tell us that something bad had to happen. My kids made a loud noise last night while making dinner and I was instantly in "fear" mode. I was so scared something terrible happened to one of them.

And this is not too far off of the truth. When our oldest child was three, he was bit by a dog and had to go the hospital to get staples. Wow, was it terrible.

It was exactly your worst fear come true. So, I get it. I've had terrible things happen to me, I've seen terrible things happen to my loved ones, and now what?

We can do this. We can walk into liberty and freedom. We can quiet this incessant anxiety that is trying to take us down.

At least it's not depression. But somewhere in the middle would be better than this.

Please, God help us get through this breakthrough without fear.