1.22.2020

Beach Moment

I went to visit my two sisters and mother for a girls weekend.  It was so fun.

But I had one moment worth sharing. I had to face my biggest fear, my rapist. I walked down to the beach and yelled out as much as I needed to be free from his grip over me, any part of me.

The weirdest part was there was actually a man right there in front of me cowering down like he was guilty of something. Quite remarkable.

I am free now.


Medium: pastel on paper

1.15.2020

Goodness

One of the best pieces of information I got recently was that everything can be spiritual.

What does this mean? Well those of us that believe that Jesus is Lord it means the Holy Spirit is allowed to shape you. It directs your decisions, it guides us on this ever winding road to heaven.

So I am giving you permission in case you need it to allow the Holy Spirit to show you more of what God sees. Even when circumstances are challenging, something good is being worked out.

Look for the glimmers. Look for the silver lining. Look for how God is using it for YOUR good.  I will be praying for you.

1.14.2020

Going to Church

I am the spiritual daughter of my parents-in-law, or at least they believe so.  It's definitely complicated. They have a ministry that is ending but are hoping that I will somehow take it over or at least be apart of the team that will rebuild it.

I just can't.

I've been on my own with God for a while now, and just God. It's even hard to start walking out with people of faith again because I was abandoned and hurt by that church. I've come to rely on God and well my immediate family. My husband and two kids are wonderful. This has become my church.

Why? I can't explain it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for years but just in the last year had to walk through the knowledge of being raped at the age of nine.  The memory was repressed for 36 years!

So, I've had to deal with it in isolation. Not exactly. If you've been a reader on this blog, you know I pour out my heart here. This has become a therapeutic source for me.

I just can't get over the fact that my parents-in-law never called me to see if I was alright. They just wait for me to get better so that I can run things for them.  I just can't do anyone else's job for them.

I want to be my own independent person serving God. I don't want to be under anyone's umbrella. I want to see people with the same pain I've had to go through and say a word of hope for them. 

I want to be that person that I didn't get a chance to see when I could have used anyone. Absolutely anyone to see me and my struggle and my pain.

I've felt abandoned for so long; I'm not sure who to trust. I'm actually scared of getting hurt again by any individual.  

I have no more walls; I'm completely vulnerable. And yet I've never felt more free.

1.11.2020

My Priest and my Rapist

When I was a child I had a family friend. He was an adult and a father with his own two daughters. But I was his disciple. He was going to use me to further the cause of God.

He eventually persuaded me to lie down with him like Lot did with his two daughters in Genesis, but I couldn't do the things he asked of me. He eventually raped me.

But before that he had me confess to all the "wrongs" I did. I had to tell him if any boys caught me attention, I had to tell him if I ever found myself getting wet. He used this version of God to break my psyche completely.

So now I would have to get his attention a different way. I can't explain it. It's too much. I don't think I fully understand it.

I was nine years old.

1.10.2020

Freaking Out

I am not a millennial because I am twenty years older than that generation. However, I believe in triggers like there is no tomorrow.

My biggest trigger is my father-in-law whom I honestly love. But he reminds me so much of my childhood rapist it is scaring the f*ck out of me.

I am seeing him more lately because I thought I was over it. But once I remembered out nervous I was when I saw him earlier today, I had to cry hard. It is beyond overwhelming.

This may be the hardest thing I've ever confronted in my life so far. This is my biggest fear.

Please pray for me to your god, because I need it.