One Wish

Is that he would know that I really do love him...

Whom? My rapist.... my father.... I forgive them, Father. Please, forgive them too.

God Showing Up

I am overwhelmed by God's love of me. He knows me so well that he can say and show me just the right things to encourage me along. The road is never easy but as you may know about me I love being close to nature. I live close to a National Park which brings deer and every other wild animal to our property. It is wonderful.

This morning I was feeling empty. The only thing that really works for me is reading the bible to see what God can say to rest my heart. But he also shows up in the most unlikely ways....

A monarch butterfly was on the front door when I went to get the newspaper...

I really hope and pray that you find encouragement on your difficult road as well.

Imagine

I have to share my 9/11 story...right? I mean I did 20 years in the military and just got back to my duty assignment from a deployment in Kuwait right before it. I have a right... sorry, sassy pants on again.

Anyway, as I said I was getting back to all places, Hawaii. That's right... lol! I had just got back from a deployment that was pretty tough, my first. So my boyfriend at the time, now my husband, and I got a cabin on the other side of the island at Bellows.

We got a phone call from his mother at about 3:00 in the morning. We turned on the news and couldn't believe it just like everyone else in the world. So I put a pot of coffee on and we went out and watched the sunrise.

When we got to the beach, there were about a thousand crabs on the beach all there for the sunrise as well. Truly amazing.

I have only experienced one other time in Austin, Texas where the bats fly out from under a bridge at sunset where your senses are overwhelmed by nature.

Something shifts inside you... you start to imagine something unimaginable.

Letting Go

I have to keep letting people go. I can't honestly say this has not been easy. Each person has been dear to me; I've honestly cared so much about them.

I know right now in this exact moment that it's been God's love pouring out of me to them. They have needed to see God's love; honestly, we all need it... right?

So, when a person just continually dismisses your kindness in their life and keeps walking in their own dysfunction, it's time to let them go. It's so hard.


I am sad and disappointed. I know we all fall short; that is God's way. But, oh how you want them to rise up and get over their own shame and pain.

I've had my own walk of shame and pain to see it in others, and maybe this is a gift of mine now. There are things that God has us go through that are meant for His good... we all do.

Me

Medium: pastel, oil pastel, and water color paint

Giving It Up

I have come to the resolution to give up all forms of marijuana. It may seem strange that I was using it at all for some readers. But when you have PTSD, God can use just about anything to help heal you. Oh, yeah... didn't he make that? LOL!!

I do have on my sassy pants today.... just saying.

Anyway, I have given it up completely. And just in case we are hanging out someday and you want to have some, by all means go for it. I will just sit with you and listen.

Understanding Marijuana for Healing

I've come to the realization that I've been exposed to marijuana my entire life, off and on.

My mother has PTSD as well from sexual trauma as a child. She has always used it. She did it around us kids and now I can see that it helped me process my own trauma.

I think this is really remarkable when we consider that our world believes that marijuana could be harmful.  I do think the ways we get it nowadays can be a little bit too off balance with the amount of THC you can get. But, for the most part it is really a medicine that needs to be looked at differently.

I personally battle the THC line because I'm on the other side of my trauma. I've uncovered all my repressed memories with the help of THC. But now that I'm come through it, I know my brain still needs the CBD part of marijuana.

There is still healing that needs to take place.