May God grant you peace beyond understanding.


When Your Body Remembers Rape

 I am now sleeping without medication which is to say quite honestly may be one of the hardest things I've done for myself. My husband said that I'm brave for doing it.

So, I wake up around 4:30 every morning and am always reminded of the negative things I hear about myself and all the things I need to do the next day. Exhausting... lol.

I am now using an app to help me calm back down to get back to sleep. It works. But in the process of going back to sleep it draws out my fears. I cry for a minute while I acknowledge the pain of what happened and then move forward. It's refreshing as well.

I uncovered an ache in one of my buttocks that has really become painful all the time in the last couple of years. It's on the line of the sciatic nerve which makes all the sense I need.

During the first rape I was so young that a grown man on top of me would have definitely hurt my pelvic and buttock muscles. Only makes sense. But the real damage was the nerve endings in those areas that remember what happened and how it made them feel.

So, now my body is running on fear fuel all the time based on the pain in my bottom. This of course makes my heart race. And this happens while I'm asleep as well. No wonder.



 The Final Frontier.

I have had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember. When I was a teenager, my father gave me some headphones from his work. When I was younger than that, I would ask my sister to sleep with me.

The real problem is that I was raped twice while sleeping.

Harsh? Exactly.

So, what does a busy wife and mother of two do? Takes anything on the market to help me sleep through my fears.

The debilitating thing about real phobias are they don't have to make sense. My body and mind remember the events far too well. So, I would use a ton of sleep medicine to get a "good night's rest."

Then, because I was so drugged through the night, I would overcome the drowsiness with some caffeine in the morning. This too would affect the quality of my sleep. But I could take one more melatonin, right?

What a cycle I was on.

Now, I've given up all caffeine and sleep aids and had my first night of sleep "all natural." You have no idea how good this feels.

Now I can see the phobia for what it really is; a lie. Now I can take down that giant without fear.



 When the Spirit is present,

we are united.

No matter our differences,

we are cohesive.

Three Sisters



 You crushed me

with your weight,

with your hate.

You made me do things

I would have never.

You made me promises

to stop but could not resist.

Water (2)



I've come out of the worst of the repressed memories, although I still can't sleep well.

I have complications with some minor health concerns, but at the root of it I'm just scared of having nightmares. I still wake up screaming at times.

This is a real concern with PTSD; no matter how you shake it. It affects us all. I had someone at a church pray for me asking God to get rid of them. I never even attempted to ask God.

God, can you please help us all stop having nightmares?



 We've been through a lot.

So much pain and disappointment.

One thing is true.

We love God with all of our hearts.

We can do this.

Let's go!