5.25.2020

Joy

This belief that I deserved it;

this attitude of just accepting it

is over.


I am worthy of love.

I am worthy of pure

and healthy relationships.


This deep sadness

is over.




5.24.2020

Truth with Siblings

I grew up with two younger sisters whom I tried the best I could to help raise. I would never had chosen to do that but our family was highly dysfunctional.

When we all became teenagers, they could be very cruel to me. They would show up at our house with some friends showing off by teasing me. Twice I got into a physical altercation with one of my sisters. I had no idea I had so much anger stored up inside me.

I had to keep quiet about being raped to keep my family safe. But at what toll did that take on my relationship with my siblings?

Did that mean I would tolerate being told what to do by them for the rest of my life? Not anymore.

Does that mean I can truly be friends with them if they can't see past themselves for an instant? Only time will tell.



5.22.2020

Friendly Tip

There's a distinction on who will carry your burdens. When you are in the light, that is with Jesus, he carries your burdens. As you walk closer with Jesus, he will always carry your burdens.

When you use medicinal marijuana, inevitably the enemy comes into action. He will behave in manners that make your burdens disappear when using. But if the burdens come back, this is the strategy of the enemy. He always wants you to drift farther from the light.

Try to pray in any manner that is comfortable for you. Preserve the "flower power" for His glory alone. You will stay in the light.



5.18.2020

Blind

The best thing I heard recently was, "I love the darkness in you." Truly amazing and freeing for me and anyone who is a survivor of any kind of abuse.

I was raised by a drug addicted mother. But if you asked me before the age of 20, I would never had been able to tell you that. I was blind by her addiction.

My sisters and I were looking around in her room one day and came across some needles. I realize I was not very old, but I had no idea what it was for. I didn't realize it until one day my sister made it clear to me. Now, I can look back and see all the signs; but not while I was living at home.

I truly believe that my mother didn't want to be seen as an addict. And if you understand anything about addiction, it's the pain inside they are trying to cover up anyhow. Since I had been subject to rape at such a young age and could not speak to it, we were like sisters with the same pain.

I could never see the bad in her. I could never see the abuse we had to endure. I could never really truly do anything but love her. I believe this is the curse I struggle with to this day.

Now that I know the darkness in me, I am not comfortable facing the darkness in others. It can scare me or even make me run away from them. But knowing this now will enable me to face this in the light going forward.



5.16.2020

Warning


This is with a heavy heart that I share this post. We need to listen to the one who speaks.

So far we were supposed to listen to those in charge of us, not just elected officials. Those medical experts who are making wise decisions for our benefit as a society. But we have not done that.

Now God is saying he will shake the world one more time but not just the earth also the heavens.  So get ready. For our God is a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29).



5.12.2020

Secrets

Right after my parents got divorced, my mother got a house for us three girls. She was very busy dealing drugs and we did the best we could. She must of known something was bothering me since she bought me a doll with a pocket tummy that closed up with a button. She told me to keep whatever it was inside the doll's tummy. If it stayed there nothing bad could happen.



5.08.2020

Sisters

My first sister was born in Tennessee on "The Farm." This is a place where hippies come to congregate. My parents decided to deliver my sister here so that my mother could have a midwife help her this time.

We lived in an empty bus during the winter. I've heard a number of stories, but the one that sticks with me is one about what my parents did when they couldn't handle me. It was January and they sent me outside in the snow by myself. I was two years old. I don't remember. But it was not surprising when I heard it.

After my sister was born we made our way back to Florida and lived in a house across the street from the beach. This is also where my next sister was born.

My mother delivered this baby with the help of my father.

But things were not all that good. There were times when we just didn't have enough. We didn't have enough food sometimes, not enough supervision sometimes, and not enough love sometimes.



5.06.2020

Alive

This shame is all consuming,
it tears at the very fiber of my belief.

It speaks more terrible things to me
than I would like to admit.

I've known this voice since the age of two.
I thought you would be my ally.

But you are the enemy.



5.05.2020

Firstborn

My biological parents met in the 70's. They were members of rebellious young adults. They would dumpster dive for their food and belongings. They felt they were fighting the establishment.

Once they got married, they started living in the woods with a religious cult. Their idols were the leaders of the group. Women had to wear skirts; very old testament.

One of the stories I heard was from my mother in which she was tripping on some psychedelic drug when she hallucinated seeing a snake. When I was born they named me Kristin Grace and baptized me there in the woods.

When it came to the delivery they sought out a hospital. But my mother's recollection of her delivery of me was not very pleasant. It was like I was taken from her without her cooperation; the doctors had to use forceps to assist. My mother doesn't have many good things to say about me being born.