11.29.2019

The Memory

I am nine years old. We go as a family to an island in the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Siesta Key, Sarasota, Florida.  Where I grew up.

I am woken up in our tent, my sister's tent. My father carries me to Steve and Diane's tent. They are the married couple that have come along the camping trip with us on.

They are sleeping as I lie down next to Diane. She was always the nicer of the two; she acted like the mother I couldn't have. I snuggle up a bit and start to fall asleep.

I wake up and Steve is on top of me while Diane is behind me holding onto my arms. I am kicking so hard. I aim for his weapon. I give him more.

Now I am passed out waking up and I slowly walk back to our tent, my sister's tent.

I do not get out of my tent for a long time. I am really sore and I am so tired.

I have my bathing suit on with the longest t-shirt I can find. I make it to the water safely.

Diane is there watching me and the girls. I am in the water all day.

11.28.2019

Real Pain

The tender age of nine

astonished,  abashed,  amazed

    abused.


But You say that You were there too

    weeping for your child.

11.27.2019

Battlefield



I will not back down from the

process of healing.


Shine a light into all our regrets.

11.25.2019

Walls


The walls of shame and abuse must come down.

You call for a peculiar people;

here I am LORD!

11.21.2019

Speak Life

LORD, may we always point everything to you.  Amen.


Seraphim

11.16.2019

God's Perspective

"Our faith stretches her wings and mounts like an eagle into the heaven of divine love 

as to her proper dwelling-place." - Charles Spurgeon


Angels

11.12.2019

20 Years

I gave you my loyalty,

my integrity,

my bravery.


I will always be indebted.

20 Years

11.09.2019

Persevere

I'll trust that I will get through this.

I know that I loved you truly.

I will let go of the need to please

and press on to being free.


Love

11.03.2019

Forgiveness

Letting go of the hurt

of the disappointment

of the resistance.


The shame belongs to you.


Truth

11.02.2019

The Core of Depression

I went to see my primary care doctor recently and he told me that long term use of marijuana will make you depressed. I didn't really want to believe him, but it is true.

I have been living with the deep-set depression in me for a while now. I have thus stopped using marijuana and can really feel the results. Wow, so true.

So, gratefully I share that this is different than any other set of depression spells I've experienced in the past. Before, I would feel as though a heavy dark cloud had come on me. This depression is different. It is part of you. It takes hold of your hope, your dreams, your focus.

It robs you of you.

What do you do about it? If you are battling the anxiety-depression spectrum like so many of us with Complex PTSD, you have to start taking care of yourself.

This is difficult if you are a mother or caregiver to others. But this is key. You must take time for yourself. Find what you like to do by yourself.

I love to exercise and do my art. It is not easy to find the time, but it must be a priority. Your sanity is what we are considering here.

Go to therapy and start talking about the events in your childhood. Come clean with what you feel are your mistakes which actually aren't.

If you were sexually assaulted like I was there is a time in your life where you acted out probably with a lot of promiscuous behavior. Own it. You just acted out of what was taught you; not your fault.

This is the core of your shame and you must open up that wound to get real healing.


I will continue to pray for all of us on this journey of healing; it is a rough one.