I am now. But let me explain to make things clear.
I did and will probably drink and smoke again. But for this season I cannot. I'm not entirely sure I will either. But this does not mean that I will ever judge anyone who does. Believe me, I needed to when I did as well.
So that is off my chest.
I woke up crying today. Yes, Christmas morning. I was so scared to confront one of biggest fears. Some family members who I really do love were triggering me so badly this past year, I actually avoided them for about three months. They happen to be my in-laws.
But God let me know that I needed to be brave. I stepped out in faith. Within five minutes of being there with our kids, I had to excuse myself. I went for a short walk outside and took about twenty deep breathes. I really couldn't believe I was there.
But, it all was gone by the time we left. That is my fear. It is gone now.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. Mine happened when I was nine years old. I spent an entire summer with some family friends culminating in the rape that severed my mind.
I didn't remember this until one year ago. Harsh!! Now it is the one-year anniversary of the memory. Got to love the resurgence of guilt and shame that try to grip me.
I recently got cornered by a man in the grocery store that I somehow had the strength to avoid eye contact with. I was a having a good time with our daughter and somehow I gave him permission by smiling at him at he walked by me earlier in the store.
What is this? Do I have a badge on my forehead stating it's alright for a stranger to enter my personal bubble? I was able to not let it bother me then.
But it will not leave me. This feeling like anyone can see me... my cracks... my fault lines in my heart. Like I have a huge gap where anyone who wants to do harm may commit it to me.
I have had this inner dialogue as long as I remember where I can fall into being a victim at any given moment. Like my whole world will be taken away in any moment. Because it happened to me once.
Now I want to be strong but not aggressive. I had to watch the girl with the dragon tattoo movie where she gets revenge on those that harm others. I had to live vicariously through her for two hours to feel like I'm alright. But I'm not.
I am so bitter that I had to live my life for 34 years not knowing what happened to me. I knew it deep down but had to be disconnected to survive.
I just want to resolve what happened to me with the current me.