2.19.2021

Remorse

This is so painful to share. God, please help me through this one.

I was emotionally abused by my mother. She has a lot of issues of her own; she is still an addict. It is complicated.

Her mother was not her best ally. I did everything for my mother's approval. It seemed that no matter what I achieved, she always found something negative to say.

Even now you can have a pretty good conversation with her as long as you know the conversation is going to revolve around her. Then toward the end she will convey some bit of wisdom and love. But at the very end she bites you with her words. It is always mean spirited.

This is the relationship I have with my mother. It is messy. It is self seeking. It is dysfunctional.

Now I owe my children a better version of myself for their sake. It is grueling on some days. It seems I cannot move past my own pain and disappointment. 

No one ever saw my potential. If they did, they did not convey that to me.

Now I want more than anything for my children to dream the impossible and believe that they can do it for themselves. I also want that for myself.