8.05.2021

Enemies Within

My mother is still a drug addict. She still believes she knows more than me. She still thinks that she can do nothing wrong.

I do understand that drug addicts use out of their pain. But I keep waiting to see when she will start emotionally growing past adolescence.

She self-medicates her pain which makes her an expert with medicating others, like me.

The last time I spent time with her, she had me smoking more than I was ever comfortable to get me through a very difficult time.

But now I’m fearful to be around her again. I have had the luxury of living far away from her since I was 19 years old. She stirs so many feeling in me.

I’m sure I still blame her for not being able to protect me from being raped. And I don’t need her trying to take care of me by always being over critical by telling me to relax and passing me some kind of medicine.

I’m over it. What’s wrong with being raw and vulnerable? What’s wrong with talking about the painful stuff?

My job should not be to puff up her ego any longer.