1.14.2020

Going to Church

I am the spiritual daughter of my parents-in-law, or at least they believe so.  It's definitely complicated. They have a ministry that is ending but are hoping that I will somehow take it over or at least be apart of the team that will rebuild it.

I just can't.

I've been on my own with God for a while now, and just God. It's even hard to start walking out with people of faith again because I was abandoned and hurt by that church. I've come to rely on God and well my immediate family. My husband and two kids are wonderful. This has become my church.

Why? I can't explain it. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for years but just in the last year had to walk through the knowledge of being raped at the age of nine.  The memory was repressed for 36 years!

So, I've had to deal with it in isolation. Not exactly. If you've been a reader on this blog, you know I pour out my heart here. This has become a therapeutic source for me.

I just can't get over the fact that my parents-in-law never called me to see if I was alright. They just wait for me to get better so that I can run things for them.  I just can't do anyone else's job for them.

I want to be my own independent person serving God. I don't want to be under anyone's umbrella. I want to see people with the same pain I've had to go through and say a word of hope for them. 

I want to be that person that I didn't get a chance to see when I could have used anyone. Absolutely anyone to see me and my struggle and my pain.

I've felt abandoned for so long; I'm not sure who to trust. I'm actually scared of getting hurt again by any individual.  

I have no more walls; I'm completely vulnerable. And yet I've never felt more free.