5.18.2020

Blind

The best thing I heard recently was, "I love the darkness in you." Truly amazing and freeing for me and anyone who is a survivor of any kind of abuse.

I was raised by a drug addicted mother. But if you asked me before the age of 20, I would never had been able to tell you that. I was blind by her addiction.

My sisters and I were looking around in her room one day and came across some needles. I realize I was not very old, but I had no idea what it was for. I didn't realize it until one day my sister made it clear to me. Now, I can look back and see all the signs; but not while I was living at home.

I truly believe that my mother didn't want to be seen as an addict. And if you understand anything about addiction, it's the pain inside they are trying to cover up anyhow. Since I had been subject to rape at such a young age and could not speak to it, we were like sisters with the same pain.

I could never see the bad in her. I could never see the abuse we had to endure. I could never really truly do anything but love her. I believe this is the curse I struggle with to this day.

Now that I know the darkness in me, I am not comfortable facing the darkness in others. It can scare me or even make me run away from them. But knowing this now will enable me to face this in the light going forward.