Over Sharing

The very thing I don't really want people to know about me is the very thing I told someone today.  I was medicated for Bipolar Disorder for a year of my life.

I had an incident where I displayed some manic symptoms for a short while. I got prescribed Depakote from a psychiatrist. It was so challenging. I had to see him because I was in the military and with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder you are taken off of deployment status; a big no-no in the military.

I had to see the psychiatrist every month for a year in which he kept increasing my dosage if I had a single day of depression. It was heart breaking for me to think about how numb I was to the world. I didn't have any joy, no anxiousness, no depression for the most part --- I was an emotional zombie.

But I woke up every single day and took care of our son who was two at the onset. I did all the required things and some more because I would get manic episodes where I would start projects. My brain was always racing. It was pretty insane. Luckily, nothing terrible happened.

Then about a year into taking the medicine, I started shaking uncontrollably. My psychiatrist told me it was a common side effect. When I did my research, I found out that if you stay on Depakote indefinitely the shaking will not subside. Also, we wanted to have another child and I would not with that medicine in my system.

So, yes you already can see where this is going --- I completely stopped taking it. I lied to my psychiatrist for a couple of months in which I still needed his signature for my military paperwork.

I was advised by my military commander to get another diagnosis. No problem. I saw a different psychiatrist and left out my manic episode because with all honesty I wasn't experiencing them any longer. He diagnosed me back to depression.

That was that and then I found another psychiatrist who ended up testing me for PTSD and was easily diagnosed with the proper disorder, finally.

But that doesn't mean I want people to know. You all get to know because hopefully someone reading this can relate to my story and I can use my pain to lift someone else's.

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